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Writing erotica is hard. Not only do you have to meet the same standards of characterization and plot as other, non-erotic writers, you also have to arouse your readership - and write well enough to win in the battle of your words against their horniness.

Well, kiddies, fret no more. Uncle mjijm is here to make everything easier. With help from some of the greatest minds available today, I have assembled a list of the top ten things to avoid while writing erotic fiction. This list will help you become an expert amateur erotic writer, for only a one-time, non-refundable $5.95!

Without further ado, the list:

 


 

1. Capitalizing Pronouns because Someone is The Dominant in the relationship is stupid.
      1.5 similarly, not capitalizing pronouns because someone is submissive is painful to read. especially when the pronoun is "i".

2. Do not use the "word" "boi". This goes beyond erotica.

3. Also "Goddess", which I cannot hear used without bursting into laughter. This is why I don't go to many kink events.

4. If you are a man who was AMAB you do not ever, ever get to use the term "boypussy".

5. "Sir" is not a countable noun. Re: a Sir, multiple Sirs.

6. Never use the word "cream" as a verb, for the love of God.
      6.5 Or a euphemistic noun, for that matter.
      6.5.5 For anything that comes out of a body. Unless you're talking about a cow or a goat. 

7. Please stop finding how many synonyms you can find for fluids. After a while, reading about someone's "cream, cum, jizz, jism, spunk, fluid, and semen," kills the mood.
      7.5 Please just stop using the word "spunk" altogether. 

8. Just call it a cock, dude. Or a dick. Penis. There is no need to mention his shaft. Rod. Manhood. Johnson.
      8.5 Pork sword. Babydepositor. Front-mounted bitch splitter.

9. Don't refer to penises as weapons. Reading about how he penetrated someone with his sharp weapon implies that the first fluid to trickle down his erect sword will be blood.
      9.5 If it's sharp, you should probably see a doctor.

10. "Drooling" should only be associated with saliva.
      10.5 "Drooling" should probably just stay out of erotica altogether. 

 


 

See? It's easy! Just by avoiding these simple pitfalls, you too can become an expert in writing erotica. All you need now is follow-through.

What's that, you say? These tips didn't help you at all? You want your money back? Haha, someone didn't read the introduction well enough. But fine, I'm an understanding man. I'll give you an 11th tip - on the house.

 


 

11. Orgasms don't induce Stockholm Syndrome. Not that I want to read about traumatised people getting it on, but you're going to have to do better than "Well, she thought he was kind of sexy when robbing her bank and besides her manager was an asshole and it's not like she was getting any of this money so you know what? Fuck it."

 


 

What, you're still here? Well, I'll give you a few tips that people have been sending in from home. Keep 'em coming, kids!

12. Consider depth vs. breadth. If you try to fulfill every fetish with every piece, you end up with every reader being turned off at some point.

13. Consider depth vs. width. Certain phallic and vaginal pairs are not only unfeasible, but straight up impossible. His "massive 18 inch front-mounted bitch splitter" should not easily match her petite oystershell. 

There was also something from some nut which I accidentally lost. If you manage to find me, kid, make sure to send those again!


 

Thanks for reading, kiddies. If you're still interested in writing erotic fiction, you might enjoy other noder's attempts at the subject. Happy reading!

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