How to kill yourself on a motorcycle

Buy the biggest, heaviest, fastest bike you can find, especially if you've never ridden before.
Teach yourself how to ride.
Let your friend teach you how to ride.
Don't wear a helmet.
Don't wear leather, gloves, boots, glasses/goggles or any other sort of protective gear.
Change lanes frequently without looking or signaling.
Assume everybody else can see you.
Assume the old lady stopped with her blinker on is not going to turn left in front of you cause she can see you too.
Assume the teenager/old man/mom with a toddler in a VW/Cadillac/Suburban behind you is going to stop at the light just because you do.
Never check your mirrors.
Assume nobody is ever gonna back out of a driveway without looking.
Turn the handlebars in the direction you wish to travel.
Lane-split just because it's legal in California.
As long as you're at it, bust the double-yellow line for the car-pool lane as often as you can.
Be sure to flip off anybody you feel does not respect your right to behave like a maniac.
Use the maximum acceleration available to your crotch rocket from every stop. You want to go as fast as you possibly can to the next light so you can slam on the brakes once you get there.
Never use the rear brake.
Should you mistakenly apply the rear brake and lock up the rear wheel, release the brake immediately so your rear wheel unlocks at the same time the front wheel is pointed in a direction you do not wish to go.
Do not learn the definition and prevention of a "high-side" accident.
Apply too much brake on a wet road, especially right after it rains.
Do not learn the definition and prevention of a "low-side" accident.
Take your girl friend out for a ride the day you get your bike instead of waiting for a few thousand miles.
Make sure she wears her shortest skirt so the two of you are stylin'.
Smoke your doobie before you get on the bike, that way ashes won't blow down her blouse.
Always always always have "one for the road." That way the two of you can be together for eternity.

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