There are two main schools of thought in the field of lawn gnome protection; in some way alter the gnome to prevent theft or place it in an environment that is not conducive to criminal activity. With this in mind I have drawn up a proposal that highlights a number of examples from each approach.

Gnome Alterations

  1. Build your gnome out of lead. This will make the gnome difficult to carry and will thus deter the burglar. Unfortunately this will probably only work with gnomes of a considerable size, but then if you're going to have a gnome, you may as well flaunt it.
  2. Electrify your gnome. Connecting your gnome to the mains can be an excellent remedy for any gnome related crimes. Imagine the look of surprise when the criminal grasps your most precious possession and receives a good dose of the national grids finest. N.B. Although this may seem like a good idea please don't actually do it.
  3. Camouflage your gnome. Making your gnome the same colour as its surroundings is an excellent way to protect the most treasured member of your family. If a thief can't see it he/she can't steal it.
  4. Grow nettles over your gnome. This natural way of gnome protection will appeal to the eco-friendly amongst you. Gnome thieves are usually a fickle lot interested only in self-preservation and their next gnomish hit.
  5. Arm your gnome. Well would you mess with a lawn gnome wielding an Uzi?

The Environmental Approach

  1. Place your gnome underwater. Most petty thieves do not have scuba gear and so the deterrent of getting their shoes wet should be enough to prevent any heartache.
  2. Surround your gnome with guard bears. Some of you may think this is overkill but in the field of gnome theft prevention the experienced security expert knows you can never be too careful.
  3. Install your gnome on a fully mobile platform that sinks into the ground when threatened. For the high tech amongst you this is an excellent way to remove any worries you have about your little darling going astray.

Please take this list seriously and help to prevent one of the greatest disasters in life from blighting your existence. Gnome theft is a serious business so it pays to be alert.

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