Hi, my name is Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City. You may remember me from such historic events as the September 11th Attacks! I was the one that was on your televisions standing behind a podium, looking all concerned but sternly in control of a situation that was fundamentally out of my control. Remember that? Remember how I was on the television? Boy, I sure was all over the television that day! I just stood up there and said "we're going to rebuild" and "we won't let the terrorists win" even though realistically I just said some stuff to make everyone feel better, and all of you thought to yourselves, "wow, what a nice guy. I bet he's a great mayor."

Well, now I'm running for President of the United States of America! Do you know why? Because I was mayor of New York City on September 11th! I was on television that day, remember? I said all of those reassuring things, and you all fell in love with me. Wouldn't I make a great president? Of course I would! Because I was mayor of New York City on September 11th!

Most of you didn't really know anything about me before I was all over the airwaves on September 11th. Especially you folks who live in the Midwest, who only know my name because you saw me on television. That's okay! None of that really matters, because I was mayor of New York City on September 11th! Remember that? I was on the tee-vee and everything! I'm obviously a good choice to be president!

Some folks say I was a bad mayor. How could I have been a bad mayor? If I was a bad mayor, they would never have put me on your television, right? See, it doesn't make any sense.

I kept New York City very extra safe! I was the one that made sure all of those cops were on the street! Sure, some people will say that my over-deployment of the police throughout New York City created a fascist atmosphere during my administration, and that the drop in the crime rate was part of a nation-wide decline in violent crimes. Those people are crazy! Don't they know I was on television on September 11th? What's that? Amadou Diallo? Abner Louima? Patrick Dorismond? I don't know what you're talking about.

I also made New York City a tourist mecca! Who doesn't want to go to Times Square and see all of those shiny lights! They're extra-sparkly! It's so much better than all of those nasty, naughty peep-show theaters and independent electronics stores! I got rid of all of that filth! Instead of all of that naughty, disgusting, nasty stuff, now there's Mickey Mouse, a Bubba Gump, a WWE store, and a three-story McDonald's! It's franchised and sanitized, so everyone is extra-safe! It's so much fun to look at all those sparkly lights and be good little consumers! And it was all because of me! It had nothing to do with a nation-wide improvement in the economy.

I am a firm believer in the arts! I love me some of that television. I think the television is a great source or art. We don't need any of those studios that display art that I don't agree with. Why would we, when we've got television! Remember when I was on the television, and you all saw me, and I was like "I don't know what's happening" but I looked all concerned? That was great, right? See, we don't need any of those other art exhibits!

In fact, why not just put me on television all the time, and then we won't need the press. They won't need to ask any silly questions. I'll just get on the television and tell you what's going on! Won't that be much simpler? After all, you all loved me when I was on the television on September 11th, so that will be okay if I'm the only one on television from now on, right?

I'm really good with money! After September 11th, I had the folks at the World Trade Center dig up a bunch of gold and silver that was just sitting in a vault down at the bottom of the rubble! We didn't let any human remains get in the way of getting out all that gold! Imagine what I could do with the federal budget if I was president. I wouldn't let anything get between me *cough* I mean, the government and the money it rightly deserves!

So vote for me, Rudy Giuliani! And remember: I was on the tee-vee!

While I am obviously writing for an audience, there's an important point in there. Please, I beg all of you, get as many facts as you can before you step to your polling places, folks. Ignorant voters can make things worse.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's my job as spokesperson for the Concrete Manufacturer's and Distributors Affiliated Brotherhood of Greater New York to assist you in making a a selection this coming November that will be in the best interest of the nation. That is why I heartily encourage you to consider Mayor Rudy Giuliani for the office of President of the United States of America.

Now, a lot of Mr. Giuliani's opponents are so myopic and simple-minded that they assume that somehow he's got the GOP nomination wrapped up merely because he happened to be Mayor of New York City when the horrific events of September 11, 2001 transpired. Well, I submit to you that were that true, similar logic would've resulted in a change to The Constitution of the United States of America allowing George W. Bush to run for a third term as President. The reason? Because he led this great nation through the trials and tribulations of the same awful day. But he can't run again; so we must consider a fine Republican candidate who will stop Hillary Rodham Clinton and the progress of her sinister Democrat agenda1.

When was the last time we had a "law and order" President? If you think that Janet Reno was tough on crime, just imagine an Attorney General like Diane Giacalone, the Federal Prosecutor who stood by Mr. Giuliani's side during the long and potentially deadly criminal prosecution of John Gotti and stemmed the tide of infiltration of La Cosa Nostra into the fabric of New York commerce? Before Mr. Giuliani, then as a Federal Prosecutor, finally put Gotti and his Italian-American underlords behind bars for good, I'll tell you one thing; the fabric of New York commerce resembled crushed velvet covered with clear vinyl slipcovers.

Despite her Ivy League legal training, could you just imagine Mrs. Clinton being put in the position of prosecuting the likes of a criminal mind like Paul Castellano? She claims "It Takes A Village" to raise a child; a little baby child. So what would she do when faced with one of the fiercest criminals in modern times, call in the National Guard? No, as cunning as she may seem, Mrs. Clinton has never seen the hard-boiled world of the United States Justice department. Verily, she'd never seen the hard-boiled world of New York politics until she moved to Chappaqua and re-assured the people of the great state of New York that she'd be a fine player with the words "well, I have no intention of running for public office at this time."

Who was the man who single-handedly removed the lurid cesspool of fleshpots and drug-dealing that was the old Times Square, and replaced it with a safe, gleaming family-friendly district of shops and attractions, bringing millions into New York City's coffers? And speaking of New York City's coffers, Mr. Giuliani also balanced the budget of that great city for the first time in decades, by paring back the layers of useless bureaucracy and malfeasance that the City's government had become burdened with. And how did he do that? A long time ago someone carved the words "Give me your poor ... your huddled masses" on a great monument in New York's harbor. Well, without actually defacing the Statue of Liberty, Mr. Giuliani distinctly rescinded the invitation. That's why to this very day the only poor you'll see in New York City are those who're wealthy enough to live there, and the only huddled masses will be assembled at the doors of the soup-kitchens in New York's outer boroughs.

You say you insist upon comparing Mr. Giuliani to Mrs. Clinton? Okay, I'll tell you what. At first, Mrs. Clinton's husband swore to the people of this great nation that "he did not have sex with that young woman!" Well, c'mon, Bill, be a man! Rudy schtupped his girlfriend right in Gracie Mansion while he was still married. So if it's a philanderer you want, Rudy Giuliani offers the best of both worlds; he's a philanderer alright. And fear not, opponents of adultery; suffice it to say after his extensive prostate surgery, he won't be able to engage in any hanky-panky in the Oval Office even if the young woman he's in there with is Larry Flynt's "Pet of the Month."

And while many see an advantage to what Clinton supporters boast would be vastly superior levels of experience via the Clinton's "buy one, get one free" philosophy, it works the other way around, as well. The level-headed observer will find little difference between the President's "did not have sex" utterance and Mrs. Clinton's "I have no intention ... at this time." The level of vile political double-speak that embodies the Clinton's apparent effort to please all of the people all of the time is so transparent yet devious that it frankly makes me feel like taking a shower every time I think of it.

If you're leanings are to the left, I implore you, get real with yourself and face the fact that the political pendulum can't possibly move as fast as you think it will. Do you for one moment think that the same morbidly obese, narrow-minded, bible-thumping, homophobic herd of Holsteins who elected George W. Bush twice will elect a smart, articulate woman to the Presidency?

There's a gaggle of fine women (and men, for that matter) who label themselves "homemakers." These people have conveniently forgotten the fact that Mrs. Clinton said a long time ago that she couldn't be bothered staying home and baking cookies. These women are going to vote for Hillary not because of careful forethought nor political conviction, no. They're going to vote for Hillary merely because she has a vagina. If that's the only criterion for these people to vote for a candidate for President, I can tell you that there are plenty of post-operative transsexuals out there who'd like to run the country. And the post-operative transsexuals typically are far more attractive and big-busted than Ms. Clinton, so long as we're taking measure of feminine attributes2.

While we're on the subject of Mrs. Clinton's vagina, I need not remind you that indeed she's used that very organ of her body for personal gain in the past (having used it to whelp her only offspring, by way of proving to the world that the Clinton family was not barren and was indeed a family.) Now, show me Hillary Clinton's face on a good day and I'll show you the face of a woman who's never enjoyed the physical bliss that is the female orgasm. There is a school of thought that doubts that Mrs. Clinton is even still in possession of her vagina, after rumors surfaced of an advertisement in the Washington Post: "For Sale, a vagina, used only once; $500. Telephone 555-1234." Another school of thought focuses more on why the Clinton vagina does not reek to high heavens from disuse to the point of atrophy. The answer is simple. Maya Angelou comes in to clean twice a week.3

Rudy Giuliani has earned the privilege of becoming our next President due to years of diligent public service and exemplary leadership. Not merely because he was in City Hall when the jets hit the Twin Towers. The latter is faulty logic and even Mr. Giuliani has admitted it. When you think of achievement, what can be said about Mrs. Clinton's record? Precious little. Let me close by addressing an important issue which has not yet been mentioned by Mrs. Clinton herself about her opponent, but which has been raised by liberal fund-raising organizations: Rudy Giuliani is a cancer survivor. Now, in closing, let me ask you, my friends, what word would you rather see associated with the next leader of the free world? "Survivor" or "Menopause."

Good night, ladies and gentlemen, and may God Bless America!


  1. You know, the usual whiny liberal platform planks only achieved by imposing an unrealistic tax burden on the American public: socialized medicine, same-sex marriage, abortion as birth control, decriminalization of marijuana, and a chicken in every pot.
  2. Don't take my word for it; just take a drive on Tenth Avenue south of 34th Street in New York City any evening after dark, look at the pedestrians and you'll have your proof.
  3. This because Ms. Angelou spends three days doing laundry and scrubbing floors for Condoleezza Rice.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.