I Don't Need to Have Children, I Date Them
23 child psychology Techniques to use on boys of all ages

Author: Karen Salmansohn
Illustrations: Gary Baseman
Workman Publishing © 2001

I came across this book in a small, but beautiful and luxurious cabin run by two older men just outside of Shenandoah National Park. The cabin was stocked with a wide assortment of books both in the living room area as well as in the bedroom. The title of this one made me curious. Luckily, the person I was there with noticed my laughter and enjoyment, and subsequently gave me a copy of my own. I love this book because it makes me laugh, it is for entertainment purposes only.

Introduction: Is Your Man in Touch with His "Outer" Child

The introduction is a two page explanation of the motivation behind the psychology of this book. Salmansohn states that, "in many ways men are just larger, hairier boys with more expensive toys." Based on this, by using techniques employed in child psychology, one can improve and control their relationship with a man.

Three way boy bonding is outlined as:

  • In the 1st year, a baby will communicate solely on a physical level.
  • In the 2nd year, he'll communicate verbally.
  • And, in the 3rd year, he'll use his verbal skill to fight with you.

Big Boys, Little Boys...Is There a Difference?

This section is easily the funniest in the entire book. With crudely drawn sketches of grown women holding and tending to a baby boy sporting a five o'clock shadow and leg hair. The purpose of this section is to point out many of the similarities between boys and men. Some of the noted similarities include:

Child Psychology Techniques for Boys of All Ages

This section compiles 23 different child psychology and behavior modification techniques that can be effectively used on your partner. Some of the funnier techniques include:

Always make your boy feel in control.
When offered two choices most children will choose the latter. Always offer two choices, each acceptable, but with the preferred option last.

Always explain the WHY behind the CAN'T.
By providing the negative effects of doing something, your boy will better understand the potential ramifications. The example provided is: "You can't touch that radiator (and/or that tall Swedish stewardess), because you will get burned (and/or get your pee-pee lopped off)."

Terminate or distract: the two best ways to handle a cranky boy.
If you boy is unmanageable, throwing a tantrum or being unreasonable, leave the room and allow them to calm down. Try being calm yourself. If all else fails, you can "try sticking a nipple in his mouth."

Never ask questions your boy can reject.
In other words, when providing him with options always give two options that are acceptable. For example, you wouldn't ask, "Honey, what would you like to do today?" You would instead ask, "Honey would you like to go to dinner or would you rather cook something for us."

Encourage your boy's interest in erections and discourage his penis worries.
This technique has a one-word summation, "Duh."

Some Maternal Wisdom to Go...

The last and most important thing that you need to do is to find out what your man's mother is like. You need to know this so that you can avoid potential problems; reminding him too much of his mommy, or not reminding him enough of his mommy.

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