Yeah so I've been in a bit of trouble lately.
It started when I was going home from work one evening -- a nice stroll in the crisp autumn air, just the sort of thing I needed to pick me up. And as I was crossing a bridge, I spotted a witch off the side of the road, boiling something in a big ol' cauldron.
And I was like, "Ooh, is that a magic potion?"
And she was like "It's stew."
And I was like "Ooh, can I have some? I'm awful hungry, it's been such a long day."
And she was like "It's witch stew. Gopher, squirrel, sorrel, fennel and holly berries. You can't have any if you're not a witch. Let me see your witch credentials."
And I was like "Credentials? ExcUSE me, a true witch does not bother to show credentials!"
So she turned me into a toad. ZAP! And she was like "Alright, wiseass, if you're a real witch you'll be able to get out of that." And then, and then! She picked me up and made to toss me in the pot. Well, if she hadn't done that I might have been able to get the spell off more gracefully, but I panicked and kind of threw it off, and -- found myself lying beside an overturned cauldron, covered in hot stew, and there was a toad on the ground in front of me. I went home not entirely certain what had happened.
The following evening, as I was going home from work, I felt the ground vibrate a bit, and then a bit more. Thump. Thump. Thump. And then I heard a loud RIBBIT and I looked behind me. There was a gigantic frog wearing a witch's hat. I decided I wasn't going to stick around to see what that was about, so I jumped on a broom to get out of there -- but I got on it the stupid way and wound up swooping around the entire sky, and I crashed right on the front lawn. There's now a broomstick embedded in the turf up to its bristles.
Which would have been fair enough, I suppose, but then the following evening when I was waiting for the bus, I heard a cackle, and a cold wind blew, and I found I was so cold I couldn't move. I stayed frozen for an entire hour, as one bus passed by -- it was only the next one that actually stopped for me. Also the driver carried me on and gave me his jacket. What a nice fellow.
I resolved to get my revenge against this awful witch somehow, but I'm a lot better at enchanting broomsticks than I am at, you know, fighting. So the following evening, when I saw FIVE witches swooping in my direction, I decided not to be stupid, and I dived into an open manhole. I had to be guided home through the sewers by a friendly alligator. I mean, friendly after I let him eat my arm. Don't worry, I can always get a new one.
The damn witches were waiting at the bus stop the next evening. Thinking quickly, I dove into the bushes, grew me a big pumpkin, carved it into a jack-o-lantern and put it over my head, so I could pretend to be a scarecrow. It worked better than I expected. I was able to get on the bus with the witches and they never suspected a thing. I suppose if I had been able to leave it at that, it would have been the best disguise I ever pulled off -- but at a certain point the bus hit a bump and the pumpkin flew off my head. I had to grab it out of the air, plop it over the head of a witch and then scamper off the bus, and jump on the first bus nearby. Witches don't mess with the buses, not usually. They need them when their brooms are in the repair shop.
I was patting myself on the back for fooling those witches, but the following evening, I was dumb enough to pick up a scone from the ground and eat it. It was a hell of an experience -- it literally launched me. As in, it turned out there was a jet engine strapped to it. Well, I should have seen that one coming, and I could guess just who set that thing there.
The next evening was even worse. I was able to take one bus without an issue, to the center of Hartford where all the buses transfer, but the next bus was late. It was ten minutes late, and then it was fifteen minutes late, and then it was twenty minutes late. Very odd. CTtransit buses are never that late. I assumed the line had been canceled that evening, there couldn't possibly be any other explanation. Well, just as I was about to call an Uber, the bus came up the street. I got on and asked what the hell had happened. And the bus driver was like, "Some dumbass decided to stand in the middle of the road and put up a big magical barrier. I told her to get out of the fucking street and she was like no, she wanted to fuck with someone who used the bus to get home. So I evenutally rammed through the barrier and ran her over. What? I got a schedule to keep!"
Which isn't wrong. When a bus is behind schedule around here, the bus driver acts like we'll explode if we go below 50 MPH. Sometimes we even have to all go to one side of the bus so the driver can go on two wheels over a car that's being slow. But fucking with a witch is a bad idea, which I had proved. So I was like, "Oh, dude, you're in for some shit." And I had to keep an eye on our surroundings as we drove along, just in case the witch decided to turn the bus into a pumpkin.
So this was getting out of hand. The next evening, when I spotted the witch -- the witch -- waiting on the path, I was like, "Hey, don't get bystanders involved. This is between you and me."
And the witch was like, "Alright, I shall challenge you to a Witch's Duel."
And I was like "Ah, shit," because, like I said, I'm best at enchanting brooms, not magical battling. But I had my honor at stake, and, more importantly, my credentials. I wasn't going to be dodging this Witch With a B any longer, no sir! I stood straight and proud and threw out my chest -- which distracted the witch from her hateful glare for a couple seconds, not sure why -- and I said, "Fie upon thee, villain! I shall vanquish thee and stand a proud victor before Mephistopheles!"Which is the standard phrase to begin the battle.
Now I just said I wasn't going to be dodging the witch any futher. To clarify, I wasn't going to be running away from her. Hopping onto my broomstick and dodging her fire does not count, and that is just what I did. So at the start, as the witch tossed fireballs in my direction, I will admit that I did not look especially valiant as I zoomed about. I'll own that one. Still, I was doing my best to line up for one proper shot, which, with my terrible aim and weak arm, was going to be the only shot I got. I had a jack-o-lantern in hand and I knew just how to use it -- all I had to do was get in close. Which the fireballs were making difficult.
The witch left off casting spells, and I dove towards her. But then a swarm of little white blobs with wings rushed straight at me and bit into my face, causing me to fall off the broom, skidding on the cold hard ground. And I was like "Oh, God, what even are these things!"
And the Witch was like "They're harsh-mallows! Eeee hee hee hee hee hee!"
Through the pain I realized that I was in a much better position than before. The witch was close. She thought she'd won. I still had the jack-o-lantern. I just had to make it fly straight and true. And there was only one way to do that.
I popped my head off my shoulders, shook off the harsh-mallows, stuck it in the jack-o-lantern, and chucked it straight at the witch. Smacked her right in the solar plexus, drove her backward straight into something.THUD!
When I put my head back on my shoulders, I could see it was the trunk of a tree, split right up the middle. And the witch, far from being dead, was merely breathing heavily. "You --" She wheezed. "I'll get you next time, my pretty. And your little broom too."
And I was like "Oh, you think I'm pretty, is that it? Is that why you keep going after me?"
And the witch turned a deeper shade of green and she was like "Shut up!" And she hopped onto a broomstick and zoomed away.
Yeah, she totally digs me. This is going to be one masochistic relationship, I tell you what.