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In the heart of deepest and darkest Africa there is a lost city. Run by the fearsome Leopard Queen, it is a deadly place defended by fierce warriors. But it is also a place of a great treasure, and with World War II underway but the awesome might of Nazi Germany and the beleaguered British Empire need the diamonds to pay for the war. England knows the Nazis are hot on the trail of the diamonds. So they send their best agent out to recover the loot and keep it from Nazi hands.

They send Jane.

Who is Jane? She began as a cartoon character in The Daily Mirror back in 1932. Jane is British, not quite posh, but more than cockney, a simple, loyal English girl who just happens to look spectacular in her knickers. Which is a good thing because you get to see a lot of her in bra, panties and garter belt, for Jane favors tear-away dresses. Her dresses snag often and come of cleanly in one piece leaving her standing there in very interesting lingerie. Not that Jane understands why. Why she's a good girl. Think of her as sort of an accidental Bettie Page and you’re right there. She’s brave, forthright, romantic and quite a bit naive. She’s more virginal than Jessica Simpson, and shows about as much skin.

Of course you wouldn’t send a nice girl off to Africa by herself would you, not with a bunch of Nazi killers running loose. No you’d send her with the Colonel , an upper–class twit who never goes anywhere (including a combat mission) without his butler Tombs. Together the three shall brave snakes, Nazi assassins, African Warriors and lecherous drunks on their way to preserve Merry Olde England.

Of course the Nazis send their best as well. Maud Adams (Octopussy) brings her exquisite cheekbones to the service of the Fuhrer as Lola Pagola, Deadliest Agent of the Third Reich and Jane’ arch-enemy. Particularly as Lola might even look better than Jane in her underwear if only we got a peek. Of course Lola has her own dastardly retinue. Jasper Carrot plays Heinz, Herman and Hans, three psychopathic Nazi killers who make Inspector Clouseau appear competent. Then there is Carl, the African guide, strong, big and he actually is competent, but quiet.

Of course the plots against Jane begin early as assassination attempts are made on shipboard, on the plane taking them deep into the Dark Content and once again. But there she rescues and befriends a handsome, brawny and environmentally aware American explorer played by Sam Jones {Flash Gordon}. You know the movie is bad with the title character (played by Kirsten Hughes) is billed after two B-list celebrities. Chaste sparks fly when Jane rescues him from certain death in her lingerie, despite the fact that “Oh, Lord, he's a vegetarian”.

Of course Jane ans her crew manage to solve the mystery of the Leopard Kingdom and get there first only to be nearly foiled by Lola and her crew of Nazi killers. But as they are about to be sacrificed it turns out that the Leopard Queen (Elsa O’Toole) is a really shapely Oxford girl in love with an Arabian Prince. When he comes for her, she happily gives her people’s treasure to Jane and rides off into the sunset. So all ends well, except the dastardly Lola escapes in case the film made enough money to justify a sequel.

This movie should really suck. And in a way it does. The plot is silly, the acting mediocre, and the premise absurd. The special effects are straight out of 1960’s TV. But the movie knows it’s camp, and plays it that way. It’s innocence is almost endearing and there are enough belly laughs to make it go even without assistance from Crow and Tom Servo.

Of course, if MST3K were to make a comeback, they’d do well to start right here.

The good guys

Kirsten Hughes plays Jane

Graham Stark bears the burden of Tombs the butler

Robin Bailey pretends to be The Colonel

Sam Jones has the expressive muscles required of Jungle Jack

The naughty, naughty people

Maud Adams wears too much clothing as Lola Pagola

Jasper Carrott does not channel Peter Sellers playing Heinrich/Herman/Hans

Ian Roberts pulls off Carl

The bit players

Elsa O'Toole makes The Leopard Queen's outfits

John Rapley shudders wonderfully as Dr. Schell

Charles Comyn holds his liqour as Paddy

Ian Steadman is steady as it goes as Capt. Fawcett

Graham Armitage starches his upper lip Gen. Smythe-Paget

Richard Huggett in not Winston Churchill

Andrew Buckland pulls off Grenville

Albert Raphael dresses like Fabio playing Ras

The people to blame:

Terry Marcel is The Director

In the year of our Lord, 1987

for The B Movie Quest

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