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We go down in the shadows and crawl between...

I don't even know where to start today. The good news: today Jill and I had a very smooth morning. She's not a morning person either because she stays up too late the night before, or because she's more of a night owl by nature. I stayed up late because I was so wound up from working late last night. I once read an article about four groups of people who had to put something together in a given amount of time while committing the fewest errors. The groups could divide the time between assembling and planning, one group spent the most time planning, but the least amount of time assembling the unit and recorded zero errors. Last night I walked into a project that someone else had started. It can be very difficult for me to work with people who think differently than I do. Once I figured out that the invoice used product numbers in ascending order to bill us I started arranging the products that way before submitting them to pricing. The downside of this is I spent some time arranging bottles in layers on my desk, however, I can see a lot of future benefits in understanding how we're billed and knowing the margins on each product. 

One of the guys that I work with came over to say 'hi', we ended up talking for a while which I don't really like in a work setting, but I don't make a habit out of this and some of it was work related so I'm giving both of us a pass there. I asked if he would be willing to check my numbers, the invoice has the retail price first and then the wholesale price, my pricing sheet has them reversed, I caught one instance where I switched those numbers, that's the kind of mistake that can wipe out your profits in a hurry which is why my boss is always telling us to slow down and make sure we are being accurate rather than rushing to get something done. Typically when I unpack new products I'll set one of each aside so they're assembled in a group when I'm ready to submit the pricing sheets. Part of me thinks someone else should do pricing for our department, it's the kind of thing that isn't especially difficult, but it's easy to make a mistake and lose track of where you're at when you're being interrupted the way that I was last night. I can tune things out, but part of my job is helping customers and it's hard on the brain to switch back and forth between tasks like that.

I'm pretty sure that this guy and I have very similar personalities. He was telling me about a woman he likes and how he was handling their interactions. He's intimidated by her brain power, he isn't a raving intellectual or anything, but he's plenty smart and he's pretty practical which is something I could use more of in my life. He was telling me about this movie that he had watched that he was telling her about, he thought I might find it interesting and I think I would. I don't know what brought this on, but he told me that his dad had abandoned him when he was three. My boss uses the word left when she talks about her mother walking out on them in the middle of the night. He pulled out his phone and showed me something he had in notes. He said he didn't know what it was exactly, but as I read it I began to understand. It reads like song lyrics rather than poetry. It was longer than I thought it would be, it starts slow and builds. It's obviously something important to him and I feel honored that he chose to show it to me. If I had to guess I'd say this is him working through some very deep issues he has, he's a great dad and I give him a lot of credit for being the father figure he never had. 

When I saw him he held his arms out and stood there, I like people who handle hugs that way. He was letting me know he was open to receiving one if I chose to go there, I gave him a hug and I'm glad that I did. There are times when he bugs me, but there are also times when he's really cool and I appreciate his insights. It was pretty funny when he was telling me about that woman he likes. It gave me some insight into him, he's a very abstract and theoretical thinker, when I showed him the painting I had done for my unicorn friend he said he liked the colors I had chosen. His birthday is in three days, I woke up with all sorts of ideas of things I could paint for others, that's something I like about myself. One of the lines he uses is something like - 'We are all constellations', I looked up a bunch of constellations and sky images while I was thinking about what I could do for him. Some people are very easy for me to think about, I have several ideas for my middle sister and none at all for my next youngest sister whose birthday is on the 21st. Even though I know I can get past letters with curves, I'm still intimidated by them. 

PT was very awkward today. Everyone treated me like the difficult high maintenance patient, this is one of the things I'm really glad I can write about. There is just something about that PT and I wish I could pinpoint presisely what it is, he just knows how to isolate problems and work on the root cause rather than issues that seem related, but are actually tangential. I doubt I'll ever have him again, I don't know if I'll ever go back there, I'm contemplating using them to help me figure out exactly what needs strengthening and balancing, the older I get the more I realize how stupid it was to have let things slide for as long as I did. I'm very angry with myself, so I have to find a way to use the rage positively. I went shopping after PT, one of the reasons I don't get out and walk more is because I don't have the proper gear for this time of year. I get mental blocks and they infuriate me. I would roll my eyes so hard if someone else told me that they didn't want to spend money on things that were going to make their activity level higher and get them outside more, I wonder if this is a deeper self worth issue, or if I'm so focused on spending that I'm losing track of my priorities.

Part of me wants to talk to that PT and see if he will help me because none of the other people there can do what he does for me. Advantages there are us already knowing each other, and me trusting him. Disadvantages are cost, but I would much rather pay an expert I trust a larger sum of money than waste my time, money, and energy on anyone else. I don't want to have to start over with someone new, but I do have to find a way to make this affordable. It was kind of funny, we were both wearing almost exactly the same outfit today. I felt like we were kids whose parents had dressed us in matching clothes. I need my therapist to help me work through this. Fortunately I'm going to see her at the end of the month. After realizing that clothes that work for him are also likely to work well for me I went to the store to see what I could find. This was very depressing. I bought two pairs of workout style pants, one of them is going to go back unless one of my daughters wants them. I'm undecided about the second pair. They're comfortable, but I don't really care for the style or the color.

I found a navy blue pair I really like, but they're $80 and I'm tempted to spend the money because I know I'll wear them. Once I had the black pants I drove to the shoe store. I wanted to stop at the library, but I've been procrastinating since I loathe shopping and the following is an example of why. The man who approached me is someone I've worked with before and he's everything I detest about selling and footwear. I hate sales people who hover. Most of the people who have worked there for a while recognize me, they know I come prepared to spend, but today I was there to browse and try on things because I am trying to be better about watching my money. I found some socks that I liked and grabbed a couple pairs. He came over again and told me he could help me. I told myself to calm down, I probably should have been more assertive, but I decided to give him a second chance. Without measuring my foot he goes in back when I pick up a shoe. I know without trying it on that it won't fit, but I humor him. He tells me the next size up will be roomier, my response is to tell him I can't stretch my arch like that.

Had he been a better sales person he would have taken a look at the shoes I had. I own them in navy, but they also come in dull black. He probably could have sold me the pair I had in black, he lost out on a $400 sale because he didn't listen to me and couldn't connect with me on any level. There aren't a lot of companies that manufacture a 4.5 that's wide enough for my foot. I bought the pair I have after I hurt my back this summer. I was in so much pain I probably would have spent twice that much if I thought they were going to help. I have a very unstable left ankle and my right one isn't fabulous either. I'm sure part of this comes from wearing shoes that were the wrong size for so many years and that makes me angry too. Someone requested that I write about proper footwear for baseball players. At the moment I'm so upset I want to tell whoever asked for this that they don't understand what they're asking. I realize that this person probably thought this would be something I'm good at that is also fun for me, but when you see someone's knee hyperextend because they landed wrong on a slippery surface, and you know footwear is a factor, it becomes very unfun to think about. 

One of the guys at work has a pair of shoes that I really like. I think he has a similar foot that two other guys I work with do. Last night I was talking to someone about his footwear. I really feel for anyone who has to deal with damp greasy surfaces. It makes me so mad to think about how many work related injuries could be avoided by better footwear. The industry is like the abusive partner that you still love even though they routinely treated you like garbage most of the time you were together. Today a friend of mine told me she got into trouble for an order that the cafe had screwed up, I don't know who designed a system that doesn't allow cashiers to give people refunds, but if a cafe customer wants or needs one they have to go over to the front desk to get one. This is another thing I just hate about work. There's no policy or procedure in place for refunds. This leads to wild inconsistencies and costs us customers. Last night a woman was complaining about the new app. She said it makes things easier for us and not the shopper and she's right. Whoever designed that thing didn't take the end user into consideration, the customer isn't always right, but designing them into a product makes more sense than leaving them out of it.

I'm just angry today. I feel like I've fucked up my life and don't see a way out of the mess I've created for myself. This is true, I have fucked up, but I also know that this is a mood and a feeling, and I've also come a long way and done a lot of things I can take pride in, last night I volunteered to work from 6 - 9 because my manager called in sick. I forgot that it was Thursday which is the night my neighbors try to get together to play cards or other games. I was at work when I got the text asking if I was coming. I haven't been in a while and I really miss the opportunity to socialize even though I'm the youngest person there by about twenty years. Both of the women are really nice to me, the guy is too, he's the one who got game night going. I wasn't sure I was going to stick with it after we played bingo the first night. One of the guys who used to live at our complex is some type of engineer, he's very smart, but he's also very controlling and doesn't know how to get along with others in a way that makes them want to play the games he suggests even though there's nothing wrong with them on their own.

I actually really like most games that involve strategy, but his personality was such a turn off I decided to watch a football game that was playing. As luck would have it he happened to have a nephew who was making his first appearance as a rookie. I was then faced with that awkward moment of having to sit next to him when he came over, I exchanged a few words with him and then went back to the game that people had been playing which was a dice game with a scoring system that he knew well enough to do in his head, but the rest of us had to work out more slowly. Normally we don't have younger children there, he insisted they could play, but then got impatient with them which is another thing I hate. It's game night at the clubhouse, there's nothing very organized or professional about it and half the time we end up sitting and chatting rather than playing anything anyways. Some of the people are actually really good. One of the couples that no longer comes met online when they were playing a tournament. She had a lot of health issues that were related to her weight. I don't know why they stopped coming, most people did, now it's just the core four as one of the women in our group says.

She sent me a text telling me that next Wednesday there's going to be knitting, I keep forgetting to have my mom fix whatever I did to mess my current piece. I like knitting when I'm into it, but it's the kind of thing that's easy to set aside when I run into problems. I don't even know what I'm making or why, it's just something to do that helps me get my mind off of other things. I treat it like a hobby and then I'm annoyed with myself because I can see how practical this is as a skill and would love to be able to make cool socks, or a great scarf, or a really neat sweater. I'm just down on myself today. It feels like everyone else is doing better and cooler things than I am and I'm stuck in a rut on many levels which is probably not actually true either. I went to bed feeling like I had traded a fun night with my friends for a couple hours at work and a drive home on icy roads, when I woke up I wasn't in the mood to wear what I had laid out last night so I grabbed my favorite sweatshirt that was still sitting out on the counter in my bathroom.

When I moved I didn't like the shower curtain I had so I started shopping for a new one. I wanted a black cotton shower curtain and finally I gave up because I couldn't find what I wanted at a somewhat reasonable price. I lived with the same shower curtain for almost twenty years, now I've gone through I don't know how many in a matter of months and that doesn't make me feel very good either. I found what I want in polyester, it's black with tiny sparkles on it. Generally speaking I find sports themes overrated, but when I saw that shower curtain I thought about my sweatshirt and then I realized that I could do a black, red, and silver/gray color scheme in my bathroom. A friend of mine calls me The Snow Queen, we were having a conversation where he was teasing me and someone else, I can't even remember who made a joke that I should be the Queen of Diamonds because I love baseball so much. I always joke that I like my diamonds life sized, there are some very pretty parks out there, a guy I used to follow set a record for going to all thirty in the shortest period of time. I like to enjoy my experiences there so speeding through them has little interest to me althoug he has a lot of travel tips that are good.

I really wanted to go back to the art studio after PT, but I made myself go shopping instead and I'm kind of glad I did since I wasn't in the mood to shop and I think I spent less money as a result. One of the cool colors is silver, I thought about doing a set of paintings for my bathroom, we were actually talking about this at PT because they're running a fundraiser and the subject came up in conversation. My PT said he couldn't really tell the difference between art at places like Target and pieces that cost millions. Another PT made a joke about it depending on your last name. I went online and looked at some pictures, then I was thinking about some of my friends and things I could do for them. Two of my friends have birthdays at the end of March, one of them lives not far from me, the other lives in Ohio. We haven't been connecting as much recently. He's a huge Reds fan, he also likes the Florida Gators, I'd like to do something for him when he visits. I love the art he has at his place, he has a lot of neat pieces and an eye for flow. He bought a new dining room table after he painted the room robin's egg blue. I'm not a huge fan of that color, but what he did looks great and I'm super envious of how cozy it is. 

Yesterday I had three super awkward encounters with other people. One of the guys I work with is gay (I'm pretty sure at least) and I made a stupid comment in front of him. The whole conversation was strained and strange, when he said not to judge his food I think he was really saying, please don't judge me and my lifestyle. He has very large light blue eyes and there was a world of hurt in them last night. That made me feel really bad, I hate it when I unintentionally hurt other people's feelings, and I seem to do it on a fairly regular basis. I went to get some tea because my throat was hurting. I intentionally avoided an employee because I already had one person tell management that I was harassing them and I really don't need a reputation like that at work. When I wouldn't greet him this guy looked at me, I looked at him, he wiggled his eyebrows and because they're super thick and black it was very cute and comical. I realized he probably thought I was being an incredible bitch, then I felt bad and told him that he won, I couldn't outdo his eyebrow wiggling. 

I always keep a bunch of employee of the month slips handy, the other day I gave one to my friend, we joke around a lot. I jokingly nominated her crush and I wrote 'Sexiest Man Alive' as the reason why before I gave it to her. Last night I wrote this guy's name and then put: 'Mad Eyebrow Skillz' as the reason. I walked over, set the paper down on the surface where he was working and walked away without looking at him. Later on he asked if he should put it in the box upstairs, I told him it was just a joke and I had already voted for one of the new cashiers who works in the front end, but I would vote for him next month because he is a great employee and I feel like he doesn't get much praise or recognition. A woman we work with said that she would put her name on it, they weren't taking it too seriously, but I was nervous and told him to just toss it. When he came up front to turn in his drawer the office door was locked so I had a chance to chat with him when he came over. We discussed the personality test, he said he thought he was INFP and I would buy that although I wonder how close he is to J which is what I thought he could be. I thought about my chart and then wondered how many INXX types we have at work. 

Before he left I asked if I could give him a hug. He said he would take one, he's a super nice guy and I'd like to hear more of his story, but I want to make sure that there's a good boundary in place which is why I asked before just giving him a hug. Our work environment is funny about things like that and I'm never totally sure if I should be doing more hugging, less, or I'm okay with where I'm at currently. We have a new guy in maintenance who creeps me out, I told my friend with the crush about him and for once we agree although I'm more harshly inclined than she is which probably surprises nobody who works there. I guess this guy is a Santa Claus at the mall and other places. I feel kind of bad about saying this, but I told my friend that I would not let little girls sit on his lap. Maybe this is just because I have never understood Santa as a concept and that's coloring my perspective, but my friend said that something is off there, and I for one could not agree more. I hate being close to him and I'm in my forties. I don't think all Santa types are creepers or anything, I do think you need to keep a very close eye on who is allowed close contact with children. I hardly trust this guy to sweep stairs much less go into the women's bathroom by himself. Ugh.

Last night I thought it was strange that one of the guys who works in produce came over to talk to me. We were talking about the woman he likes, somehow the conversation turned to me, I said I like the calm rational intellectual types which is apparently who he likes too, he told me I should go out with another guy we work with and then I knew why he was talking to me. I've been trying to think about the difference between calm which I like, and mellow, which tends to annoy me. We have some hippie earth goddess types, piercings and tattoos are common, but we also have the people who just work there because they need a job and couldn't care less about the environment and sustainability. My acquaintance from produce said that caring about the earth was attractive, I jokingly said I would care about it if the guy was hot enough and then he laughed and said something amusing in return. Later on I went in back to check on the spice area, this is a perpetual disaster and nobody seems to give a damn which is another thing I find seriously irritating.

The guy I had been talking to earlier gave me a hug, I looked at the guy behind him, he looked right at me, and I had a moment where I could see clear through him. I wanted to tell him that crushing on me was a very bad idea, and that while he was a very nice person we weren't going to be good for each other. I don't know why he likes me, we've never had any sort of conversation that gives me a hint, and for a while I thought he was kind of almost rude to me which I found very surprising. There are eyes I can look into and eyes that I can look through. It was very uncomfortable and unsettling. This is why I don't think I can ever be in relationship with anyone who has emotions like that. I have very deep intense emotions, but I can also have a surface level superficiality where I really don't care how others are feeling because I think a job needs to be done or justice needs to be served. This guy looked at me with whipped puppy dog eyes, I felt cruel and inhumane, and I wanted to tell him that I'm not who he thinks I am. I get the feeling that he put me up on some sort of pedastal, I like the playing field to be more equal which probably sounds heartless, but that kind of imbalance is unhealthy in a relationship or at least I think it is.

He tried to connect with me on an emotional level which is the guaranteed way to make me run even if I did like someone that way. I like love as an action verb, not declarations and uncomfortable displays, it doesn't feel lasting to me. I feel like he'll crush on me for a while, get over it, and then move on to the next person. That kind of intensity is hard to sustain, I feel like the guy that I considered to be something of a friendly force at work found out that this other guy likes me and came over to see what was up when he was bored. I feel somewhat manipulated although he was pretty slick about inserting the name when it came up in conversation. I also wonder if I walked into that topic, although we had been discussing other people, so perhaps not. Later on one of the cashiers said I should go out with him and I said absolutely no way. I would never go out with someone whose personality is so close to my own. His games do not work on me, I do not have a great deal of respect for him, he's pretty selfish despite his age, and I can be that way too. I can tell he doesn't like me that way and I don't have those feelings for him either. We see each other at work, we can talk and get deep, but that's as far as it goes. 

I made a chart of personalities at work and I'm pretty pleased with my progress so far. I have no idea what I'll do with this type of information, maybe it will never go anywhere or become anything, but I think this is the kind of thing that management should be doing instead of enforcing stupid dress code rules for people that they don't like. I've noticed that some people can get away with murder while others can't get away with a small logo on a piece of clothing. Last night I found out that one of the women I really enjoy working with is quitting. My produce buddy said he can tell who is going to quit and I thought that was an interesting comment. I found an article on the differences between INTJ and INTP, I read a lot of these types of articles, ENTJ vs INTJ, INTJ vs INFJ, anything that I think will help me pinpoint distinguishing characteristics or help me understand myself and other people better is valuable information to me. I read that clean data is more important to the INTP types who are trying to steer away from what is wrong while the INTJ types will recognize no data is ever totally clean and will try to focus on figuring out and finding what is right.

While a couple of people ripped the article to shreds in the comment section, I found it more helpful than annoying or inaccurate. They portrayed the INTJ as a super nerd while the INTP was more of a hippie type dressed in an old flannel. I can never get a good read on whether my boss is an introvert or an extrovert. She's one of the most intimidating people I know when it comes to reading other people and determing what their motivation could be. She's very emotional, she loves hard, and if you are on her list, good luck although she tends to be very fair even when she doesn't like others. I try to do this too and that may be one reason we get along well. I'm not into trying to punish or withhold anything from others just because I don't care for them. Mostly I wish they would disappear or go away, or I could escape. I used to long for vengeance, now I'm much more compassionate even if I'm not exactly more tolerant. I try to adopt a live and let live attitude, today I feel like I don't really know anything and nothing is concrete or stable and I don't know why I keep writing these big long things that never really go anywhere when I could be, you know, doing something with my life, but then I like writing and to some extent, who cares (except I care).

The problem is I care a lot and it's hard to turn it off like a faucet. I don't always care about people the way that I would like, but I like to think that I have some humanitarian tendencies and want good things for all. The struggle develops us as people and I guess I value it to that extent. Tonight my tooth hurts. I'm making more of an effort to clean up my diet. I had a carrot juice last night and another one this morning. I forgot how good drinking those makes me feel. I got into some bad snack habits over the winter. When I'm stressed I eat, but when I'm super stressed I stop eating entirely which sometimes makes me wish another super crisis would come along and grip me harder, but I know that I've been healthier before and I can get back to those ways and routines. I'm proud of myself for buying some of the things I did. I'll get my bathroom done eventually, I think I need someone to give me permission to spend the money. I told myself I wanted a month's worth of rent, then I went out and spent money that could have gone toward that. Was I inconsistent, or do I realize that it can take time to save a larger amount of money and denying myself things that will make my life prettier and more active is probably not the smartest idea either.

One benefit of reading up on all these different personality types is becoming aware of why people may be the way that they are and another unexpected bonus is it's given me a topic of conversation which has been helpful in ways I hadn't pictured. Now when people try and talk to me I feel like I have something to say and I can learn more about them without asking a bunch of personal questions. I always wish people came with some sort of required reading biographical summary that I could flip through before I had to interact with them, but I wouldn't want anyone to have that kind of information on me so maybe it's for the best that we don't have this sort of database we can access. Even though I generally dislike my personality type, I think to a certain extent this can be changed, but I'm not sure messing with who I am fundamentally and naturally is a great idea either. I read that the well developed INTJ is a walking think tank of sustainable systems and my Brad character is very much that which makes me happy. The INTP is an innovator and helps us alter how we see reality. Whatever the personality type, they are all needed.

A fun thing I found that amuses me is someone's idea of how to quickly identify someone's MBTI type. Introverts are moody, Intuitives are Know It Alls, Thinkers are Cold, and Judgers are Stressed. Extroverts are Annoying, Sensors are Superficial, Feelers are Emo, and Perceivers are Hippies. While I don't care for some of those terms, it gave me something to think about and I like the idea that someone was able to boil these concepts down to eight words even if they aren't the ones I would have chosen. I started thinking about how I view others and that's given me some food for thought as well. I haven't written fiction in forever and I want to get back to that, but for now, I think self discovery is an important process as well. Tonight I really want someone to come over and just hang out with me. I'm sure there are people who will question whether that guy really likes me or not, maybe he doesn't, but I think that he does and it's kind of freaking me out because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or go through anything super awkward at work. There are too many signs pointing to him having those kinds of feelings, I guess I'm glad I have my friend with the crush because now I can see how freezing people is hurtful and maybe it's a good thing I recently went through that process myself. Experience tends to be the best teacher even when they aren't lessons I want to be learning. 

While I can see how others may rightly question things I say, and I'm not always right, it just feels wrong to deny things that I think are more true than not. I always picture myself walking up to someone and asking them questions people want answers to and a lot of the time I don't know why we don't do this because I think it would make communication more effective and less messy. But then I can see how it could cause hurt feelings, but not doing this causes hurt feelings too. More than almost anything I hate being vulnerable, work has forced me to face that more and I think I may be getting slightly better about this, but I still have a long way to go. Today I bought some things that I think I needed and did not buy many more things that I did not need. I'm still on the fence about the shower curtain and towels. The red was the right shade and I loved the shower curtain, but they're not exactly what I want and I can't tell if my standards are too high and I should accept that this is what I can afford, or I should hold out for higher quality which will likely also carry a higher price tag. This doesn't feel like home and that bothers me. I think that's why I need to change my bathroom. Practicality is fine, but I can be me too.

Until next time,

J

***

Him: "Are things any better with those 2 bitches?"

Me: "My attitude?" <ghost emoji>

Him: "That does wonders."

Me: "They aren't changing so I guess I will <baseball>"

Him: "I like your plan."

Me: "Thanks for the encouragement and for listening <tulip>"

Him: "Happy to do it <angel>" His birthday is at the end of March. He collects watches so I'm thinking about doing something with gears for him. He's one of the people who is indirectly responsible for getting me into the art studio. He's left handed and he sent me a picture of a piece he had done at a wine tasting event. I'm really grateful that I have the friends that I do.

***

Him: "Up to two inches of snow tomorrow. My funeral details are pending."

Me: "Good to know <tulip>" Later on we're on the phone discussing the weather.

Him: "I'm about to freeze to death and you send me a fake flower?"

Me: "That's what fit into my budget. I didn't get real flowers for my dad. Why would I buy real ones for you?"

Him: "That's not very loving."

Me: "I'm just keeping it real. You want loving, call someone else. Show me the money, I find that I'm more loving when people have a lot of cash in the bank. The more money they have, the more loving I become."

Him: "That's harsh."

Me: "You complain about fake flowers and then you bitch because I'm authentic and honest instead of deceitful and dishonest. A little consistency please."

***

Him: "Caring about the earth is attractive."

Me: "What could be more natural and organic than sex?"

***

Him: "How have you been?"

Me: "Stressed and upset. How are you?"

***

Him: "Do either of you watch The Walking Dead? I had my first zombie dream last night. A guy I haven't seen since I was in PT school was over, I was chasing after him with a hatchet and hacking at his head, but I couldn't get him."

Her: "I had a dream about a call I was supposed to make. I woke up thinking, did that really happen, or did I just dream about something that was on my agenda today?"

***

PT1: "I honestly can't tell the difference between art at Target and pieces that people pay millions to buy."

PT2: "It's the last name of the artist. If it's Van Gogh, it's worth millions. If it's my last name, it's worthless."

***

PT2: "I want PT3 to eat a ponza."

Me: "What's a ponza?"

PT2: "It's a deep fried pizza."

PT3: "I'll eat a ponza if you swim 2000 yards."

PT2: "There's no way. How many laps is that?"

Me: "Why do you want to junk up his body instead of improving yours?"

PT2: "I can't compete. So I have to bring others down to my level."

PT3: "You just do it. Down and back is a hundred yards. Down, back, down and back. Don't think, just do it." This is why I love this guy. It really is that simple. He's talking to his fellow employee, but it's a message to me. I used to swim and I can get back into it again. PT was a big wake up call and so was my dad dying. I'm not going to live like this anymore. I'm sick and tired of being sick, tired, and stressed.

***

I feel like I should apologize for my mood, it's low and I'm not proud of that. But I also strive to be as authentic and as honest as possible and it doesn't feel like I should have to say I'm sorry when I didn't actually do anything wrong. I just don't want anyone reading this to get upset or feel like they got depresed just reading it although anyone could stop at anytime I suppose...

Xoxo.

j

every night, we hear the sound, of waking up, and breaking down...

***

X: "Are all of these conversations you write about real?"

Me: "Does it matter?"

***

This is loosely based on what I remember of that song/poem piece I read last night. Each line was repeated four times. He's making an emotional appeal without using any of those terms (in my opinion), he wants peace and freedom, he wants to love and be loved. I think he spent a lot of time on what he has although it may not seem that way during an intitial read. I don't think this is the kind of thing he shares lightly and I think there's a reason I saw it when I did. I think something is either missing, or not quite right, but I don't know exactly what it is. I had his phone, we were talking and then this woman we work with came over and the conversation kept going which was strange. She's very sultry and sexy, I once told her that she's like the big sister I never had. She has this kind of quiet self assurance, she's very feminine without being a pushover, she has incredible eyes, normally I'm not a huge fan of eye makeup, but she does some neat things with hers. I just love her. I'd love to be her for just one day, just to have that kind of power, wisdom, and knowledge. But I guess I'll have to be content with being me which is kind of cool too. I'm too hard on myself and I don't know why I can't just say hey, this is it, accept who you are, but keep growing. Maybe I'll do something for her. But I'd have to really think first. She's deep. 

  1. We are all constellations
  2. We can trust the pilot
  3. Thank you for abandoning me
  4. Above the clouds
  5. We are all free
  6. Thank you for teaching me
  7. There is darkness in the universe
  8. Beyond the stars
  9. We are all cosmic
  10. We can trust the pilot

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