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Me: "Are you going to school today?"

Her: "No."

***

Him: "Hey Jess, you're going to be with me today."

***

Her: "I'm at the point where I hate her. I can't stand living with her anymore. She's gone through four cars, we're not in a position to give her a fifth. She hasn't told her job she doesn't have a car. She gave rides to anyone and everyone when she had a car. Where are all of these people now that she needs help? I haven't said that to her, but I want to."

***

Me: "I need help."

Her: "Okay, let's take a look."

***

Him: "My kids are fantastic artists. They didn't get good grades in school, but they didn't care because they knew they were good. Every day in summer they'd be outside painting. Baseball, not so much."

Me: "You're a good dad. You nurtured their creativity and fed their souls. Baseball is just a form of art that you appreciate more than they do."

***

Her: "Just go in there, telll him you're frustrated, and ask if he can make it work."

***

Her: "I want to be there for you too. I haven't told him, I can't tell him about any of this."

***

Me: "How's it going?"

Her: "There was still stuff in back that was there when I left on Monday. I don't know what to do at this point."

***

Her: "Rejection is the action, abandonment is how you feel. Did you read that article I sent you?"

Me: "I started and didn't finish. I don't really think fear of rejection is holding me back, but maybe there's an aspect of abandonment I haven't considered."

Her: "I used to just shove it all down, I can't do that anymore. I have to deal with my issues now. They're not going away. I have to do something. It might make sense to you, but I still don't understand why he left. If that's not fear of rejection, I don't know what is."

Me: "I don't think it is a fear of rejection. It's actually much easier to deal with being rejected than it is to get into a relationship with someone you think you could love. That's the scary part to me. If I ask a guy out, I don't do that anymore since my therapist told me to stop, but I don't actually think it's a bad strategy. I know why she told me to stop, I was going about it the wrong way, anyways, my point is that there's a happy medium between walking up to someone you just met and asking them if they want to hang out and being so afraid of rejection and dating that you never give anyone a chance and you passively sit there and wait for the man of your dreams to waltz into your life and pick you up out of your current misery which, ironically, is what happened to you. You had communication issues. You were scared of him and he was reluctant to ask you out after you friend zoned him. You were both trying to figure the other person out, flirting should be fun. You guys went and made it all serious. You skipped the fun parts of getting to know someone and walked straight into the drama. I think that was a form of self protection that didn't end up accomplishing what you thought it would. A guy isn't going to help you get into shape or lose weight for the right reasons anymore than a woman is going to help him relax.

You have to be able to do things on your own without relying on a romantic interest to help you out, you have to arrive at the relationship ready to be who you are at this moment in time. If you wait until your life is in order, you'll never go out with anyone. I did that for a while. I told myself that I had to work on me. Guess what? I could spend the rest of my life working on me and I would still have issues and things that I feel could be improved. Be your best self, whatever that looks like right now. People who love you think that you're special and amazing no matter what your hair looks like, what clothes you wear, or how messy your life is, they see potential in you. They believe in you. We can see it, you just have to trust that we know what we're doing when we do things that try and show you that you're loved. I think that was the biggest problem you two had. Neither of you could believe that the other person really cared. Instead of reading the positive signs that were there, you put a negative spin on them. Who wants to be in a relationship where you feel like no matter what you do you can't prove to someone else that you truly love them? For someone who is so good at feelings, I think you could work on learning how to accept the fact that people love you and want you to be a part of their lives."

"I know how I feel. I just don't know how he feels about me. I still don't know if he really liked me."

"He did. But since you couldn't accept that and make him feel like his efforts and investments were reciprocated, he left. That guy has the patience of a saint. He put up with this for more than a year. I don't know a lot of other people who would have done that. I wouldn't have, I would have shut that down a long time ago. You can argue that I'm too quick to freeze others, that's my issue, I decide I'm done and don't give the other person a chance to apologize, or verbalize. I don't keep lines of communication open. I'm all or nothing. Either I think I could love you and I'm investing, or I'm done and I treat you like you no longer live on planet earth and you become invisible to me. I start erasing the memories that were associated with people. There is no middle ground with me, and I think he's probably like that too. We give and we do until it gets to be too much. Then instead of telling people that we're frustrated or angry, we leave, and then they're left wondering why and how to get us back when we feel like they've had numerous chances to keep us."

"He ghosted me."

"That's on him. Don't make his issues yours and don't take it personally. It might seem personal, but I bet he would have done this regardless. Getting you into his life was the challenge, now keeping you out of it is his new goal. It's not you, it's him. This is on him. Yes there are things you could have done differently, but this is his issue. Until he decides that he needs help in this area, he's going to have the same problem over and over, walking away, I don't blame him for that. The relationship was clearly unhealthy, he did you a favor by leaving when he did. Staying in a toxic relationship isn't good for either of you. I'll tell you one thing, I'm sorry this played out the way that it did, but it's really helped me see how things I do must look to other people, and I have changed whether people believe that or not. I don't want to end up like him. Icing people is not the answer. I'm not good at the things you are, it's very difficult for me to talk to other people about this kind of thing. I want to keep it sexual or intellectual. I don't want to tell them how I feel, most of the time I don't know, or I don't know how to say, this is what I want, this is what I need, what are your thoughts? I tend to treat these things like a business meeting and I'm sure that is a big turn off for a lot of people. I can usually tell when other people like me and I think they should be able to read my signs and signals and neither of us should ever have to have discussions about emotions and feelings, or what to do next. That's not a very realistic or good relationship model. I don't really want people to know or understand me, maybe that's his problem too. I don't know."

"Why don't you want people to get to know you better?"

I sit and think about her question before I answer. "I have no idea."

*** 

After Jill told me she wasn't going to school I had some decisions to make. I started writing a post for my mom's birthday. I was a couple minutes late to PT because the roads were worse than I thought they would be and I didn't manage my time well before I left. I walked into PT expecting to get one of the guys I normally have, and then I find out I'm getting the guy I had this summer. There was an awkward stretch where I walked over to his corner. I told myself to make the best of things, when he asked how I was I told him I was having some trouble with a couple of issues. Then I asked how he was and he said he was good. He said he was always good and that it's a hundred percent mental. I told him women were allowed to have days where they were upset. I agree with him up to a point, my problem in the past has been that kind of thing, it is mental, but denying how I feel is a self destructive pathway. I have ambivalent feelings about my mom and that doesn't change because it's her birthday.

I laid on the table while he worked on my ankle. He found a spot that nobody had touched before. It was incredibly painful and I think he knew that. I left him and went to walk on the treadmill. It felt more like old times, where it was him telling me what to do and how to fix my attitude with me rebelling and then complying. I left PT and went to work to get my schedule. By this time my ankle is a throbbing angry mess of hurt. I ask my friend if she can take a break, but work is busy so I go upstairs and hang out there for a while. Another woman I work with sees me and sits down on her break. We talk about parenting, she's having all sorts of issues with a daughter of hers. I can relate and we sit there talking about how hard it is to watch someone who is on a self destructive path and how we as parents contributed to whatever is going on by failing to set proper limits and boundaries and where the line is between letting them fail, and becoming a completely passive parent.

My other friend came up and we spent more time talking about PT and her crush. I told her I was going to go back there, she gave me some advice on what to say and how to say it. She tells me to tell him that my ankle is still jacked up, I'm sure she said something more professional, but that was the core of the message, and to ask if I could have him back as a PT since he did more for me in one visit than those other people have in the entire time I've been going there. I'm angry, frustrated, and I don't want to go back, but I make myself because letting this slide is going to make things worse instead of better. For a minute I contemplate just letting it go and finding a different PT, but he really is that good and even though I'm mad that this crazy thing is still an issue, I realize that he identified something the other guys hadn't and that's why I went back to him in the first place.

He's not in a good mood when I get there. A fax won't go through, he has paperwork to do and he filled out what he had incorrectly so he had to do it over, his receptionist is normally better about picking up on things, but she seems to be unable to tell that I'm not just there to chat or get my ankle taped. I ask him if I can talk to him for a minute if he has a free moment. He looks like he'd rather face a firing squad, but I'm a patient and he knows my request is probably one he should consider. He tells me it's going to be a moment, does some paperwork with people at his work and then comes over by me. Until I was facing him I didn't realize I was going to start crying. I ask him if we can talk privately. He says sure and I follow him into his office. He leaves the door open and I stand there for a couple of seconds before I walk over and close part of the gap.

It takes me a minute to start talking. I don't want to break down in front of him, I tell him I'm very angry and upset. I feel like the people I've been going to are ineffective, I tell him that I came to see him because he had helped me and I feel like I've wasted the visits I had since he's the first person to isolate the ligament that I feel is more the issue than the tissues they've been focused on, we get into a taping discussion, he's not a fan and doesn't really believe in it. I agree with him because his guys can't tape the way that my chiropractor can. My chiropractor slaps a strip on in two seconds and I walk out the door feeling better. The PT guys take all this time and do these elaborate taping patterns that don't really seem to be that effective. I learn from my chiropractor that he worked with a PT and took a lot of taping classes, my PT hasn't really taken any although he could tape if he had to since it was a part of his training.

He's sitting down, I'm standing. I can't look at him and the whole situation is terrible until he tells me that things are going to get better. I feel like he does what he should during this discussion. He listens to me. He makes his points. and I leave feeling better. I tell him I'm not mad at him or anyone else, it's just the situation. On my way out I stop at the front desk and tell his receptionist that I'm sorry I made his day worse by being the patient that melts down in his office. She says he was melting down earlier and then I felt kind of worse, but I also told her that I'm the person who would rather have the tough discussions if it means I'm going to be able to salvage a relationship that I want to preseve. I ask why he was melting down and she told me they keep taking PTs away from the clinic while piling more patients on them. During my time with him I ask if he's going to do his own thing one day, he says he's thought about it and I tell him that he should since he can do so much more than what he's doing now.

My visit is good, I leave feeling much better than I had. I left an orange for him, I had forgotten to give it to him when I was in his office, but maybe it's better this way. His receptionist says he will like it and I hope he does. Despite me crying in front of him, I think it was good to be assertive and tell him how I feel. I'm completely exhausted, but I decide to go to the art studio. I'm in a terribly low mood and feel like painting will help. I envision something dark to match my current frame of mind, but once I get there I have other ideas. I talk to the woman who worked with me last time. Later on I talk to a friend, they always want me to trace things and paint that, I never did well in art during school and I think I finally figured out what the problem is, other people want me to copy or imitate what others have done, and my head is already so full of things that there isn't room for anything new. I don't have trouble coming up with creative ideas. I do that on my own. I need the ideas I have to get out and art is that release for me.

I drive back to work, but my unicorn friend is gone for the day. I drive to the library, write a fantastic post that really dives into fear, motivation, when others harm you, forgiveness, and a bunch of other things. I leave the library feeling even more exhausted than I had earlier, I get home, my daughter hasn't moved from the place where she was that morning and then I'm even more frustrated with her than I was. I eat, I made the mushrooms I had in the fridge and wonder why meals are such an issue for me and the girls. I decide to write a poem, when I get to my computer I find that the majority of what I wrote at the library is gone. My friend calls and I decide to talk to her for a while to get my mind off of the fact that one of the most profound things I've written in a long time is just gone without explanation. I had gotten into the car accident and my feelings about that. Eventually I decide to skip posting for a day. I leave what I have written and maybe I'll put it out there, but it doesn't feel right at the moment.

Today I woke up before 4:00, I got up, started doing things, and remember how it felt to have a lot of things accomplished before I walked out the door in the morning. This is how I used to live and I want to get back to that again. I did laundry, I cleaned up some of the things in the kitchen. Last night I learned how to cut a pomegranate, this morning that mess is still in a dish. I've let my children run things instead of setting limits and enforcing them. I take a look at my checking accounts. I feel better than I did, but realize I have a long ways to go if I want to get ahead in life. I read an article about managing attention and capitalizing on peak flow times which is what I did today. Mornings are my time to get things done. If it doesn't get done before I leave for work, chances are, it won't. I need the evenings to unwind and decompress. Once I get home from work, I'm done for the day. My mind has had all it can take.

My book on love was particularly helpful this morning. I need to be more patient with myself and others in areas where I'm not being patient enough. Sometimes I'm too patient. I give people too much time and wait for them to figure things out on their own since I can be controlling and bossy. What usually ends up happening in situations like that is I'm not communicating the fact that I'm being patient and giving people time to work through whatever the issue is, I tell myself to be more patient, and then I end up running out of patience without ever telling them what my expectations were in the first place. I have some really good habits. I want to be better at stringing them together and putting them into a routine. Getting up at four really helps. I can't afford to stay up late at night. It just doesn't work for me. My mom is a night owl, Jill and Jane's dad was, and I can't let other people's sleep and wake patterns affect my own. I feel so much better today. I feel alert, focused, and ready to start my day. What a chance a couple of hours can make.

Until next time,

Jessica 

P.S. I'm going to talk to my boss about my schedule. I need to have a better routine and I have to be proactive and tell her what I want. I'm scared, but she's always been willing to work with me in the past and if she can't now, then that's my issue. Either way I have a plan in place and that feels good.

Much love,

jj

***

Make the best of a situation, before I finally go insane...

I was at work for almost an hour when the call from my boss came in, she's sick and was calling to let us know. I went to ask my friend if I should volunteer to close or let others step up first. She tells me it makes me look better if I volunteer, I contemplate it for a second. I doubt anyone else will flex and this is something I can do for someone who has helped me in countless ways since last July. I go home, lie down, and have the following dream:

***

I've moved and the new neighborhood is strange. This is a technicolor dream, everything is vivid and bright, the sky, the colors around me. I'm in some sort of weird apartment type building where there are individual structures, but each living unit is attached to the next. I wonder when and why we chose this place (in my dream I appear to have some love interest or maybe I'm married to some random guy) when a woman comes over to tell me something about the men and children that aren't there. I fuss around for a moment, there are these giant sliding racks with asorted snacks in an area that doesn't appear to be a kitchen. I pull one of them out, see that there are many individually wrapped packages and this is a dream so we have Little Debbie and Hostess type snacks, but these don't have any printing on the packaging. The woman grabs my arm impatiently and says something about my guy not caring and the kids can take care of themselves while she grabs my arm and drags me out of the room.

When she asks me if I want to see her place I know she's telling me that this is the plan. In the middle of the complex there's an oddly shaped building, she starts giving me the history behind it as we enter. I walk into a very large and spacious open concept combination kitchen and living area. The flooring beneath my feet is very pretty. I admire it and want to ask more questions, but she hurries me into this tiny room that runs parallel to two others. There's a taller table in there. It has ivory accents, I study it carefully and ask her where she got it after telling her it would be perfect for <insert space> back at my place. She tells me we'll get another one the next time we go to <insert place> and rushes me through that room as well. We're in a sun porch style room like the kind my middle sister has, the windows let in all sorts of sunshine, I think I glimpse a pool beyond the greenery, but I can't be sure.

Suddenly we're back at my place. This man comes in and I assume this is my love interest/partner person because he says those types of things to me. It was a 'hi honey, how was your day, I have to get going' type conversation. We don't kiss which I find strange, I feel like I don't even know him and even in my dream I'm questioning what I'm doing with this man because we appear to have absolutely no common ground or interests. He's taller than I am and his hair is very dark, I don't really remember what his face is like, regular enough I suppose since nothing really stands out in my mind. A male child appears, he opens the snack tray thing and I'm displeased by how many he takes. Then he tells me that he and <child> are off and I ask where they're going. He gives me a very surprised look and tells me that him and the guys are going to some fight. 

The woman interrupts as if she's trying to head off a fight. We have a couch in the middle of what I'm assuming is our living room. I sink into it, in my dream I have slippers I don't have in real life, but I recognize my clothes. I'm wearing black dress pants and a cozy sweater with a scarf. I tuck my feet under a blanket, grab a pillow and suddenly I feel like I'm going to start crying. The woman sits next to me and asks me if everything is okay. It's not, but I stare across the room instead of answering her. It's clearly summer, but suddenly I'm freezing cold. I walk across the room, pick up my wedding picture, and hurl it to the floor. I know this must be a dream because we had a large wedding party and the women were wearing very dark green and purple dresses that are hideous beyond belief and I know he must have insisted on them. I tell her I'm going to get divorced, she murmurs comforting words, leads me back to the couch, tells me to sit down, and then disappears. I see my phone on a glass topped coffee table, the whole place is ugly and I can't stand being there for another second. I start running, leaving the door open behind me as I flee. I wake up and for a moment I'm really scared, then I realize it was just a dream and I'm glad.

***

When I got to work this morning my friend with the crush was there. She stops me and tells me that she had a dream that me and a bunch of other people were gathered at someone's house to watch a sporting event. People are mingling with drinks and snacks when I very loudly state that I will only watch baseball in a very sharp and snotty tone. People try to tell me to chill out and apparently I won't. We go downstairs and I see the new guy. There's something strange about him that reminds me of another guy who didn't last very long. He asks how I am and I ask how he is, I do not want to be interacting with him and fortunately the exchange doesn't last long. The next time I have to go upstairs he's there and he asks me how I am again. I wonder if he forgot that he already asked me and say something very brief and borderline impolite because I'm annoyed, but also kind of scared and don't know why since on the surface he seems harmless enough, but I trust the vibes and get out of there fast. I go back downstairs and run into my friend from the other day who was venting about her daughter.

I tell her that I had a little chat with my oldest on the way to school this morning. I told her that I really appreciated her being honest with her parenting challenges, I see where I'm been ineffective, gave my power away, and I'm glad I said something, but my tone wasn't very nice and that made me feel terrible. She gives me a big hug and tells me how tough it is to be a parent and I feel like maybe I'm not perfect, but at least I have friends that care. I mention my trip to the art studio and invite her to come along next time I go. She says she would love to, I ask if I have her number, she thinks and then tells me she has mine and she can text me hers. We start talking about art and how to get into it. I tell her that eventually I'd like to invest in some of these supplies, this is a financial and social trap and one I want to consider carefully. I can create art at home, but then I don't get out and there is something to be said for being in a different environment and around other people who can teach me things. I can't believe I slept like that, my throat is still very sore, but I committed to covering for someone else and it's only a three hour shift. Maybe I'll get let go early tonight. I can't imagine we'll be busy with this weather.

***

On my way into work a conversation pops into my head and I think about it for a while. This summer one of the guys I work with said something about wishing he had more energy. I think that this is a really strange comment from someone his age and I let my mind go there because I don't have anything better to be thinking about and I've learned to just accept the fact that sometimes my mind brings up things from the past and there may be something I need to know that comes to me during the reflection process. I started thinking about the caffeine conversation from the other day. I don't really know what he eats, but somehow it doesn't feel as if nutrition is the real underlying issue. I think about it some more, like this is a puzzle I'm trying to piece together, I'm not great at remembering exactly what was said, but I have an incredible memory for tone of voice and good intuitive recall if that's a thing. I can almost literally hear his voice in my head, but I can't really hear what he's saying. I keep thinking, letting my mind wander, I think about what he says, then I picture him the last time I saw him. I feel like he has more energy than he did, although that could be a day to day comparison.

This process usually feels like I'm on some sort of strange mental expedition, there are times when I get flashes of what seems like illumination while other times the process merges into some real life thought that I need to be processing. It seemed like he was in a really good mood at work the other day. I think about the word mood, I see the word Energy spelled out in my head, and then I want to pick up the phone and ask if he's confusing mood and energy, but then I remember that he is typically very precise about the way he uses language so if he says he lacks energy, then I believe him. I divide the words mood and energy and think about my own mood and energy levels. I can't typically read feelings, but I can usually tell if people's moods are either high or low, but not always, especially when people are thinkers because sometimes they're just off in their own world. When I get to work I open my locker and see the collection of things I have stashed in there. I have a pink card and I contemplate sticking it in his locker, but then someone else walks in and I decide to put it back.

I like to leave things for people, but I typically only do this for certain people. He's totally the type of guy you could give a pink card to, this is how my mind words. He's been mentally linked to the pink card and it feels like I should give it to him, but I have no reason to give him a card and I don't want to open it up and write anything on it either. Maybe I will just leave it for him and let him wonder why he's getting the card. It's really cool and I really like it, but for some reason I don't want it for myself, probably because it doesn't seem like a card I would give anyone. I'm very particular about cards, I'm very particular about practically everything, cards never seem like exactly what I want so they're tough for me. I think my problem is a lot of them seem cheap and insincere, I love Japanese art and Oriental cards, but I like the authentic ones and I'm not planning a trip out of the country anytime soon even though I think it would be so cool to go there. I love the music, a baseball friend of mine is Japanese, I have a Korean friend, they share snippets of their lives and I find it endlessly fascinating to hear about their lives and how baseball is played there.

My friends are still arguing about who belongs in the Hall of Fame. I'm kind of over it, there are people who did steroids in the Hall, but the voters control the process. I saw a nice clip where Greg Maddux was asked about whether or not Pete Rose belongs in the hall. He said that every player is told not to gamble on the game and this happens twice a year, during Spring Training, and after the All-Star break. Nobody is told not to take drugs, or not beat their wife, they're told not to bet on the game, and that's it. My two cents is that this is a hall of fame, not a hall of unimpeachable moral character, I the steriod users should get in and I would keep Pete out, but that's just me and others can feel free to disagree. That stupid Dance Me To The End of Love song is still stuck in my head and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it, but it feels like this is some sort of homework assignment, so I keep listening to it.

***

Him: "What are you eating now?"

Me: "Peas and chicken. What's so funny about that?"

Him: "I'm just picturing you in a June Cleaver apron. You could teach Wally to throw a better slider. That show would be better if you were on it. 'Not tonight Ward, the Dodgers are playing the Giants and I have to talk to the boys about sex'."

Me: "Except I can't throw a slider and my kitchen would never be that clean. I wonder what kind of lingerie June is wearing under her dresses. I bet her bra and panties always match."

Him: "Sounds like someone else I know. Do you own anything that isn't black?"

Me: "Just so you know, I have one black bra and that's it. I buy the same things so I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear when I'm getting dressed. You think I'm getting dolled up to go to work and tell people where the Vitamin C is?"

Him: "Just think about how much more you could sell if you redid your wardrobe."

Me: "I'm sure our Amish customers will appreciate my floor length skirts and thick woolen sweaters."

Him: "Are you going to stop talking too? You have too much personality, it doesn't matter what you wear. I just think you'd feel better about yourself if you went shopping."

Me: "Actually I almost did. I guess I chose sleep over something nobody except me is ever going to see."

Him: "The sexiest thing is when women feel good about themselves. Remember that Jessica."

Me: "The sexiest thing I own is my Wisconsin Badgers sweatshirt. It's super comfortable, I feel great when I wear that."

Him: "On second thought, keep wearing that thing. I'm not sure people could handle it if you were any sexier."

Me: "Stop it."

Him: "You stop it. You are. You're very sexy."

Me: "It doesn't help. It's like being smart. People think it helps more than it really does."

"What's the matter Jessica?"

I know better than to lie to him. "I'm scared."

"I can tell. What are you scared of?"

I think for a minute, but I can't figure out what's behind the fear or where it's coming from. "I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding when we were going out."

"When was the last time you went out and did something fun?"

"Just the other day."

"When was the last time you wrote something?"

"I write everyday. I have for a while now. Sometimes I even write about you."

"Does it help?"

"Tremendously. You were right. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I just want you to know that I'm grateful we met."

"Do you still tweet about politics?" 

"Not really. I'm not on Twitter the way that I used to be."

"When was the last time you did one of your interviews?"

"Probably more than a year ago."

"Should I be worried?"

"I'm actually probably better now than I have been in years. I'm just frustrated about work."

"What's going on at work?"

"Two of the women I work with are, one of them is the ringleader. She likes power and control and she's subversive. She encourages the other woman in my department and they gang up on me. It's pretty grade school, I can handle it for the most part, but it really does a number on my boss and that's what really bothers me. There's a couple other people I would rather have in that department. There's a woman who works in grocery, a guy who works up front, and a woman who works in the cafe, they all have different skill sets, they want it more than these other women. These women haven't done anything to deserve it, before our previous GM left he said he didn't believe in the merit system. These aren't even replacement level workers, these women are the Jonathan Papelbon and Chone Figgins of our department. Management promoted our assistant manager after inventory, they did it without involving my boss, they undermined her so if she tries to do anything about the assistant, they stripped her of power and since she's viewed as problematic and outspoken, these women are taking advantage of her and it is really getting to me, but I talked to a couple of people and I know what will happen if I say something to management, it won't go anywhere, nothing will change, but my boss will get into trouble because people in her department aren't getting along. This is a complete mind fuck. They don't listen to customers, they don't put products on shelves, they don't take initiative, they suck. It's one thing to not have a brain, it's a totally different matter to have one, and use it to grind someone else into the dirt. I don't know what to do.

I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. It's maddening. It's beyond infuriating. The woman who works in grocery is super smart, she's quiet, the woman who works in the cafe is more outgoing, she gets things, that guy listens better than anyone else I've ever met and I'm even including you in there although you're way up on the list too. I can see what is, I see what could be, I want to give my manager a fighting chance. I want to go to her and say look, I need some help. This would be a better team than the one we have now. It won't be perfect, but it's a much better blend of personalities and skill sets. Help me figure out how to make this happen. But she's been so shoved down, they don't listen to her, they don't respect her, it's really sad. She works so hard. She deserves to have a team that will be and do more for her and these people would. They're all very efficient, they attack problems by thinking things through first, one of the women is really good with money, I know my manager would appreciate that. I think these people would be good for her and she would be good for them, but the mindset there is status quo. I'm so fucking sick of it. Help me out here, what can be done? What can I do other than sit and bitch about the way that things are?"

"Have you tried slow poison?"

"For me, or them?"

***

  1. "Hey Jess, the other day I read
  2. an article that said people with
  3. your personality type would
  4. create a rainbow with shades
  5. of gray. I thought that was
  6. interesting, but the article
  7. is wrong. Your rainbow would
  8. be completely black."
  1. On my way to work I keep
  2. thinking, I've had a good 
  3. morning, my friend tells
  4. me about her dream. I
  5. wonder why we both had
  6. dreams about sports, it
  7. seems like an odd
  8. coincidence to me.
  1. When I get to work
  2. I see the pink card
  3. in my locker. I think
  4. about it while I'm
  5. getting ready. I set
  6. my water bottle on
  7. the table, maybe this
  8. is a bad idea. Then 
  9. again, maybe I'm
  10. just overthinking it. 
  1. My daughter is driving
  2. she pulls out in front
  3. of a car just as she's
  4. driving through an 
  5. intersection. I tell 
  6. her to speed up,
  7. she does, we're
  8. safe, but 
  9. my heart 
  10. is still racing.
  1. "Do you think I 
  2. should volunteer
  3. or wait to see if
  4. anyone else steps
  5. up first?" 
  6. "They're not going
  7. to do that. Besides
  8. speaking up makes
  9. you look really
  10. good."

***

I really wish I didn't have to go to work tonight, but I know my boss will be very appreciative. 

Xoxo,

J

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