Today has been strange, but what I want to write about is yesterday. I slept for a long time, and woke up feeling profoundly lonely. Not just alone, but super lonely, as if civilization had disappeared and I was never going to have anyone I loved close to me ever again. I'm still sick, the weather wasn't the greatest, and I could have spent the day at home, but for some reason, partially guilt after I left work on Friday with messages I hadn't returned, partially because there's something about the laid back atmosphere of work on Saturdays that I really enjoy now that I am no longer in sales, and partially because I wanted to see one of the people I work with again, and I thought that he might be there. But his car was missing when I pulled into the parking lot so that was a bit of a downer. Worse than falling in love with someone, is falling out of love, or rather, choosing to go in another direction other than the one in which I had been heading. This was probably coming for a long time, but it still hurts, and it sucks, probably more so because this is my choice.
I sat down at my desk and returned phone calls. I was very dutiful and tried my best to make things up to people whose messages I had neglected on Friday. Sometimes I buy clothes that are more colorful than the ones I wear normally, I can be more casual on Saturdays, and since I hadn't planned on being outside much, I made the mistake of wearing socks that were much shorter than the ones that go up to my knee. The other evening I was ready to go when one of the managers came up to me with a list. I could have left, and maybe should have, but I have an inner fear of management, even the people who have been nice and kind to me can strike up feelings of anxiety inside of me, and I also knew that at night was the best time to move cars around since I was free from my normal phone duties. I flagged down the guy that routinely helps me, and we pulled three vehicles out of the rotation because I know from experience that if keys are there, the vehicles will get loaned out, and I will have trouble getting them back again.
It wasn't all bad despite being sick, I had a terffic conversation with the sales manager, and got some of his insights that will help me going forward. He isn't the most talkative person, but he had some observations that I really appreciated. By the time I left we had a list of vehicles that needed to be pulled, and ones that need more miles. I was really proud of what we accomplished in a short period of time, it seems as if moving cars is practically brainless work, but I have worked with them long enough to appreciate the people who bring their brains along when we do projects like this. I should mention that we are chronically short of space because there is not enough parking. People will say that we don't have enough as if this makes it okay to abdiscate all responsibility when to me, it is even more important to use the little space we have effectively. I was happy when the guy who plows told me that due to my efforts (and by mine he means our team) that he was able to clear more snow out of more rows than if the vehicles had been left where they were.
Sometimes I feel as if it is a bit like playing live chess, or Tetris. You move one vehicle to get another into that space, perhaps it sounds like organizing cars and keys wouldn't be much of a challenge, and it shouldn't be, but when you have so many people competing for so few spaces, and you're one of the larger picture thinkers, it can be quite chaotic. One thing that frustrates me is how my job sounds so easy, answer phones, manage a very small fleet of courtesy vehicles and the associated paperwork, but I feel like there is constantly things that need to be done and that's a big reason why I get so frustrated when people who could be doing things to be helpful sit on their phones in the chairs next to our desks. It feels like a major slap in the face, and I have almost made up my mind to go to the big dog and let him know that this is going on, and see what he says about it because I am seriously fed up with this ridiculousness. People in my department are running around like chickens with their heads cut off while many others, and I'm specifically talking about two departments, are chit chatting like they are being paid to socialize rather than work. People who work in other departments have complained about this too, so it isn't just me. Chat all you want, but make sure that the work gets done too.
Earlier today I was crying about this, I'm in a better place now. I had a thing for this guy, I gave him my number, and he never used it. That hurt, and I still feel as if he likes me, but there are obstacles and barriers that make me think we would be a terrible couple if we really did ever get together. I feel as if I have written about this before, but I found this wonderful chart and article about The Chemistry and Compatibility Matrix, and this really helped me. The guy I was crushing on would be terrific in bed, if we ever got there, and I doubt that we will. I won't get into all the other ways that do not mesh, but the list is long. We could work really hard to overcome some, most, or possibly even all of it, but ultimately, we are not compatible, and I think we both know that even though we really like, and may even love each other. Maybe he will hate me after this, I have no way of knowing. But maybe, there is still a happy ending even if we don't end up together, and if there is a worst case scenario here, I would much rather have him be furious with me now than end up hurting him, me, or both of us even more later. I was talking about this situation with a good friend of mine, it's tough no matter which way you slice it, but maybe I am thinking about this way too much, and it will all end up going well even if I shed a few tears along the way.
I don't know where any of this is going, and maybe, that's okay. Tomorrow is another day, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm excited to be going back to work. This job has been really good for me in so many ways so even if I work more hours than is stricly necessary, at this point in time it is giving me some things that I need.
Tons and tons of love,
J
P.S. I am really proud of myself for so many things; it feels great. Also, a special thank you to MarmaladeSkies for a lovely message that made my day when I first received it.
j