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Yeah, you read that node title correctly. This is exactly what it sounds like. A romantic, not to mention erotic, slashfic between the Lord and the Fuhrer.

Be wary, for here there be monsters... Some people may find this sort of content not only offensive but also revolting: they are encouraged to exit the theater immediately and obtain a refund at the ticket stand outside.

 

This short piece of internet prose—categorized as Bible fanfiction on FanFiction.net—holds nothing back, featuring nonsensical sex scenes, cringe-worthy spelling errors, wild factual inaccuracies, gratuitous blasphemy and stereotyping, and a complete lack of plot. Mercifully only 2400 words in length, it's the kind of story that only a mother, or 4chan, could love.

A basic rundown of the plot, for posterity. It is 2025 AD, and "Adolph Hitler, the king of Neo-Germany" escapes from invading Americans in a prototype time machine. To his surprise, the "Furor" is sent almost 2000 years into the past, to 29 AD, where he is met by a ravishingly handsome bearded man. This man reveals himself to be Jesus Christ, and Hitler is invited over for lunch. Hitler is delighted to be having dinner with his Lord and Saviour, and they quickly become fast friends over lunch. In fact, Jesus is highly receptive of Hitler's Socialist theories, and is quickly won over. That night, they happen to be in bed together, and they profess their love for each other, which is followed by consensual, non-penetrative gay sex.

Chapter 2 follows their exploits in getting married, which somehow involved the merciless slaughter of an unspecified number of women and children and subsequently getting executed—"'This way,' explained the Anointed One, 'we won't be comitting [sic] suicide!'"—to get to Heaven and gain God's personal blessing. After a homophobic God gets over Himself and realizes the two are in love, He gives His blessing, and leans in to kiss His son on the forehead, "but he missed and ended up making out with Jesus." This quickly and inexplicably escalates into an incestuous threesome. A quote that literally can't (shouldn't?) be summarized follows, all spelling and everything intact:

They did everything: chain bangs, DP, Eiffeling. God even turned off gravity for even wilder positions and switched genders a few times for laughs. Jesus was a hog and tried to get his father and boyfriend to abuse him with both their schlongs at the same time, but Hitler and God managed to share a few intimate moments. After nearly four hours of wild lovemaking all three gods were exhausted. They lay in a puddly of sweat and semen. Jesus was bruised and bleeding, but his father bought a potion from a local merchant for two gold and healed him. After that he sent the two lovebords back to Earth to get married in a traditional Jewish ceremony. He was sad to see them go, but he knew that he'd just be a third wheel. He went to his bedroom, turned on the TV, and poured himself a scotch.

The next chapter deals with the discovery that their "'21' year old adopted son, Jimothy" (J as in 'jumbo shrimp'), was gay, leading to more incest and some surprisingly chaste hugs. The final one deals with Hitler's second book and the fact that Jesus' disciples are enormous bigots. Nothing more to be said here.

 

Even barring such things as the implication of time travel and God, there are a fantastic number of inconsistencies. If the time machine was only invented in 2025, shouldn't Hitler be 136 years old? How is it that Hitler and Jesus were able to converse in a common language? How was a tall, very white man sporting foreign clothing and a third of a mustache taken in and allowed to sleep in the same bed as Jesus (who allegedly sleeps "in the buff")? What kind of life would Hitler lead after this, since he owns nothing, knows no one, and has nowhere to go but to follow the more-or-less ascetic Jesus of Nazareth? Why couldn't they have just convened with God in prayer? Is any portion of Chapter 2 reconcilable with any Christian view of God without gratuitous blasphemy? Why is Jimothy a "21"-year-old, though he talks more like he's 11?

Well, actually, we have an answer for that last one, and it's related to the fact that Fanfiction.net forbids the depiction of minors in sexual acts. Yep.

This 'prose' is worth reading only in the same way that My Immortal or Half Life: Full Life Consequences might be: for the satisfaction of a particularly niche brand of shits and giggles. It's a piece of fiction in the same way that Freddy Got Fingered is a movie. It's as much a piece of art as Interior Semiotics is. It's just plain bad writing. It serves only as a testament to how bad we are—or, perhaps even worse, a testament to how bad we're willing to believe we could be—and has no place existing.

One could argue that it has the perfect balance of poorness in fic writing: the premise is just right, the plot is dodged masterfully, there's a perfect blend of nonsense and sensibility, the author knows how to take something stupid out of thin air and run with it, and so on. But remember, even the most polished turd in the pile is still a turd.

Here is the link to said turd, for anybody who needs to see it to believe it.

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