I've been reading Ovid's Metamorphoses lately, and there's something so charming to me about these myths. I don't really know what I find so appealing about it. It's a bunch of ancient Roman myths about people transforming into animals or plants (or other things). Over and over and over. But I'm on book five or six and it has captivated my interest. I am invested.
I will say, it seems a little feministic comparative to other Roman works; although these male gods are all rapists of humans and nymphs, he somewhat emphasizes how miserable and wretched the women feel after they are treated with injustice. Some people say Ovid was ahead of his time, really I don't know if I would consider him a feminist, but it certainly is unusual. I found it puzzling how the all the gods are depicted as selfish, cruel, malevolent, so I asked Reddit, how do you juxtapose this portrayal with the idea that the gods are fundamentally good? People prayed, worshiped, sacrificed to these gods. The answer was that the Romans didn't really have the idea that gods were 'good' -- that is a Christian idea; the Romans viewed their relationship with gods as largely transactional, and they viewed the gods as unaffected by human morality, yet all-powerful. Sacrifice, prayer, it was transactional, not an act of adoration in the same way a Christian would adore Jesus.
On the topic of religion, my own religion is in shambles. The gradual loss of belief in biblical infallibility has swelled within me, to really just losing faith in the use of scripture. Now I can just open up my bible and it's like. I don't trust it anymore. I read it and I just... I don't have faith. I don't know how to have faith, to believe. I want to have what I once had, I want to find comfort in my faith. I remember when I was younger, I could have sworn I felt the presence of God with me so strongly when I prayed. Now I can sit down and pray for 40 minutes and I feel nothing at all. I still pray to the Christian God regularly and often, I still believe in the Christian God, but I wonder if it's only a matter of time until that belief departs from me, and I will be left with nothing to depend on or take comfort in.
It's funny. I have a shrine in my bedroom, with candles, a rosary, and a cast-iron cross. You would think I'm a hardcore Christian if you saw it. But I'm sure a lot of Christians would tell me I don't qualify as a Christian. I wouldn't blame them; me a few years ago wouldn't consider me today to be a Christian either. But I still consider myself to be one, I probably always will. To me, the shrine in my room is a place that just... it helps me pray, it reminds me to pray. I remember reading a quote, Victor Hugo, but I can't find it now, it went something like this: "You don't have to believe in God to pray -- if God exists, your prayers will find your way to him."
I remember when I actually believed in church, the pastor would say things like "there will be dry spells in your walk with god". Maybe I'm in one of those "dry spells". After what church did to my family I don't think I'm ever going back, and I say good riddance.
I looked up catholic mass in my city and watched a youtube video, and now I keep getting ads on instagram and youtube. They're not even advertising products; these ads are outright evangelism. I have a strong urge to comment blasphemous sexual things on religious videos just to piss people off, but I'm trying to stop myself for the time being because I know it's not a "good person" thing to do. It's difficult when my username and profile image do not relate to me at all -- I have anonymity.
I remember when I would lay on my bed and stare at my ceiling and feel like I would collapse into myself and cease to exist. Dissolve like ice in warm water. I could close my eyes and feel myself sinking into a lake. It felt so real. I was weightless, ephemeral, evanescent. I don't know why thinking about this feeling obsessed me, or why it went away. I suppose I should be glad it's gone.
I've been turning my screens off at 11pm every night. It's 11pm now so I guess I'll stop writing this.