July 14, 2015

Flatlander,

Welcome to Everything2, one of the Internet's oldest and still most intimidating blank white slates to scribble things on. You are receiving this message because, while playing a video game, a stray thought bolted into your head and you said "Holy fuck, I wonder if Blue's News still exists!" and then you typed in bluesnews.com just for shits and hit Enter. This happens to you about once a year. And there it was, goddamned Blue's News, with a July 13th 2015 dateline and a still surprisingly well-curated list of the day's PC game news all tidy and blue, looking exactly like it did in 2001 when you used to read that website every damn day.

And there, oddly, is where you first read the news that the much-loved CEO of Nintendo Ltd, Satoru Iwata, had passed away over the weekend. Then you clicked through to the news story on Kotaku that was collecting people's tributes to the departed, and someone had posted a somber image of a little Super Mario castle with the flag at half-mast, and it was just really poignant and sad. He was only 55.

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Today my left hand and arm are puffy and swollen. I slept okay and I slept in later than I normally would have, but I still don't feel rested. I feel like I could roll back into bed for another eight to ten hours. I want someone to come over, tell me to lie down, make sure I'm comfortable, and putter around in the house while I'm drifting off into dreamland. In other words, I want a mom. Last night my youngest came over to pick up her swimsuit. Just to be able to hold her and hug her and kiss her forehead and smooth back her hair was restorative. I went to the grocery store after seeing the chiropractor. I got a lot done in the morning, went to therapy, and I was so wiped out from that I didn't do much of anything. So the dishes piled up, the food sat on my counters, laundry stayed in the basket I had just bought, and the shirt I had been soaking was still in the sink when my ex arrived. 

My therapist is really good. She makes me talk about things I would rather not and see things for what they are. I was very angry yesterday although I wouldn't have said I was. She had to drag it out of me. I had to write my ex a letter, she threw it away and I'm glad. But I'm also glad I got that out of my system. Sometimes I don't know what's bothering me or that I am bothered. Then I wonder how I can be so unaware. My eyes are really bad today. There's a sticky film that makes blinking a lot of extra work since my lids don't want to come back up again. Pollen counts are moderate today, but that can be misleading since that's a composite of trees, weeds, and grasses and you can be severely allergic to one of those and bothered despite a moderate pollen count. It looks like it's projected to drop over the next couple of days. I can't find my allergy medicine, I think my oldest may have taken it, if not, I have no idea where it went since it isn't anywhere in my pantry where I normally keep it and I can't think of a reason I would have taken it out and put it anywhere else.

I'm not motivated to do much of anything today. Fortunately I don't really have anything on my agenda. But it is worrisome that I'm looking out on what is supposed to a beautiful day with a tired and jaundiced eye. My ex moved the ladder and the huge tree branch that fell yesterday. One of the worst things about being single is having to go to bed by yourself at night. I don't mind sleeping by myself, I kind of enjoy that although cuddling with other people is something I miss, but I hate those last few minutes at night when I'm getting ready for bed and convinced that every noise is a serial killer. I'm texting my sister and joking around with her. I don't know why I'm so down today. The house is tidy, I'm listening to old music that I like. I have some ideas for spaces in my house. I have a job interview that I'm excited about and new storage containers for the meals I'm going to be making. I'm just really sad. My therapist said I was mourning. She might have said grieving. I think she did, but I guess it doesn't really matter. There is a sense of loss and it's very strong today. Maybe I just need to take a day to reflect and let the feelings come.