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Yesterday was monumental in the sense that I tried some anti-anxiety medication. I tend to be sensitive to meds so I broke the pill in half, but later on I took the other half since I was still feeling anxious. So far it seems to help some. It makes me tired, but I guess it's supposed to do that since it's a mild sedative. I was very anxious when I woke up this morning. Nervous energy is not the same as real energy, but I feel like I slept relatively well although my back and chest are still very tight. A while ago I had bought a package of massages from my chiropractor. They're discontinuing the package program, but I really liked the woman I went to see yesterday. She agreed that I was tight and wants to try some different techniques with me. It wasn't a great massage, I try to remember that the first time I work with new people we're still getting to know each other. I felt like she addressed some sore spots and what I really like is that she has a plan going forward that seems very reasonable.

We talked about the placebo effect, I know it exists and there's probably some of that at work, but she also did a great job on my forearms which are chronically tight and sore. I just erased a bunch of what I had written, that's frustrating, but I'll keep writing today. I bought myself some new shoes yesterday. I met a client at the shoe store, I really need to learn how to start charging for what I do so that's something I have to think about. I saw an ad for a personal banker when I was at the bank. I'm going to apply for that job even though it means sitting at a desk. At the shoe store I found a pair of navy sneakers and a pair of black loafers that are more comfortable than I thought they would be since the toecap is round and the top of my foot is square. The sneakers are especially comfortable and the best part about the purchases is both pairs were on sale. I still need a new pair of summer sandals, I'd like a couple more pairs of shoes since a lot of mine have seen better days, but for now these are a good place to start. 

There were a lot of new faces at the shoe store yesterday. I surveyed the scene with mixed emotions thinking that I could do a better job than many of them although they had me in the wardrobe department. One girl had straight blonde hair and an enviable figure that I admired. While I was getting my massage I talked to my therapist about the firefighting and EMT positions because I wanted her opinion on my physical limitations. Without knowing me well she feels like we can get to a point where I can move more freely and be in less pain. She was very optimistic, that really buoyed my spirits. There are things I haven't done that I could and will do, even with the anxiety meds I can feel the dread and nervousness churning inside of me. I don't want to be dependent on this medication, for now I'm experimenting with it to see how I feel after I take it. After about fifteen minutes it feels like I can breathe slightly deeper. I feel like it wears off quickly although the pharmacist says it should stick around for about six hours after I take it.

When I go back I'm going to get something for my allergies. That's another medication that I feel like I could take that would improve my ability to breathe more easily. I need to be better about making lists and working through them which is one of the things I like about writing daily. It helps me get my thoughts in order and try to get to the heart of the matter. I need lists, but I don't write down three or four things that I need to get done that day and keep that list in front of me as I go. I think one of the reasons I don't do this is my notepads aren't in a place where I see them and for me, out of sight might as well be out of mind. Today I'm going to find a better place for those brightly colored sticky notes so I can write them out first thing in the morning, or even the night before, and work off of that the next day. Plans help me and I tend to be good at planning once I sit down to put a plan together.

One reason I haven't done some of the things on my list is because of the money. I'm not really sure how much I have to spend on what. I know utility and electric bills are coming at the end of the month. I had to put gas in my car yesterday. I saved my receipt, but it's not showing up in my online bank registry yet. I'm getting a better handle on how much I spend although I still need a better system for that. My daughter's birthday is coming up, she wants to have friends over and I'm very anxious about that since her last sleepover didn't go well and I currently don't have beds set up for these girls. I can feel my anxiety increasing as I write this even though I just took a pill. I'm trying to just let it wash over and through me and realize that my daughter's feelings are her own, I have limited income, and she has a tendency to build grand schemes in her head and be very disappointed when things don't turn out as she envisioned.

I don't like feeling as if I have failed my children in some way. If her party fails to meet her expectations that's not entirely my fault. I haven't set aside money for entertainment, I'd like to get her a gift and a card. I never buy cards so that's a new thing for me. It's something I want to get better at because I think it will make me feel better about birthdays. I had a lot of not very good ones and I think I'm subconsciously avoiding them since those feelings tend to surface whenever someone else has a birthday. Birthdays weren't anything special in my family. It was mostly just another day although sometimes we would get a favorite meal along with cake and ice cream. I guess I get frustrated when the girls have what I feel are unrealistic ideas and then I have to be the bad guy who tells them that their wishes aren't going to come true. 

My ex builds them up and I'm particularly annoyed at how he tends to focus on Jill's parties and kind of neglect Jane's birthday. He wouldn't take me to the hospital when I was in labor and I should be over that, but I keep thinking about her arrival and how he insisted that he had to go to a meeting at work several hours before she was born. It's probably one of the most hurtful memories I have. I didn't have textbook contractions so I wasn't sure if I was in labor. I was crying, in pain, and my daughter was hungry because it was lunch time. My doctor told me to come in and my ex wouldn't give me a ride to the hospital or spread peanut butter on bread so Jill could have a sandwich with some grapes.

His aunt took me in and I felt very alone as I made my way to my room. Fortunately two of my sisters came to be with me and I'll always be grateful for their support. It went fast and then I had a new baby so the circumstances preceding her birth were temporarily set aside. If you've missed out on emotional support in your life you can probably relate to my experiences that day, and if you've ever been in labor you can probably still remember how contractions can hit you so hard you literally question your ability to do something as simple as put together bread and peanut butter. I wasn't feeling well that day, probably because I didn't realize the warning signs of earlier labor. I arrived at the hospital at 12:50 and Jane was born at 3:48. Her sister's delivery took a lot longer which was my husband's excuse at the time, but when your wife asks if you can take her to the hospital, that should be a priority in your life even if you think she might be faking it.

It was a shock, yet not shocking. Just another incident where I couldn't rely on him for much of anything. He said he had a very important meeting to attend and I told him that I felt certain that if he had explained that his wife might be in labor and couldn't watch his two year old, his uncle's company would probably have let him out of the meeting. The bottom line is he's irresponsible and now I'm glad he wasn't there until the very end because he didn't come in right away when he learned that this was the real thing. With my oldest there was a question, with my youngest there was none. I could have had her even earlier, but they wanted to hold off until my doctor arrived. I should have questioned that, but I didn't which is another lesson I learned about being a better advocate for myself.

I'm upset today as I think about the past and how I had to deal with things that he didn't. I'm still doing this as part of my codependency issues and I wonder if I'll ever be truly free. I think I can get there, but it's going to take a lot of work and a focused effort. There's a lot I want to get done around the house. I let the dishes pile up while I was gone most of yesterday. It's weird how days can run together without me realizing it. I have a list of things in my mind, but I'm going to go around room by room and get a better idea of what all needs to be done so I can start calling and getting quotes and estimates. Lots on my mind today, some good, some not so good, but I took a break from writing yesterday since I was so overwhelmed and that wasn't a very good feeling so going forward I'd like to make myself sit down and write no matter how scary facing the inside of my head is.

I'm supposed to be at a conference in Portland today. But I am not. I woke sick at about 4 am. Not strep. When I get tired I get a flare of irritable bowel. My clinic half days have been 7 or 8 hours for the last three weeks. Last night I left at five. I knew I was too tired to drive to Portland. I knew I was tired. I thought I would leave at 4:30 am as I did for the 3 months I worked at Madigan Army Hospital. But then I drank a hard cider. And that kicked me over the edge. I didn't get up or eat or drink until noon and I still feel horrid.
I think I need to entirely eschew alcohol until I am back to normal strength, if I get there. Out sick for ten months, I've only been back for 3.5. I see patients in the morning only. But... my receptionist is retiring so we interviewed, hired, are training her, ordered new computers, review labs, xrays, my patients have been keeping the emergency room and the surgeons busy, cancer, dementia, cellulitis, well....
Re Thought For The Day I rarely use up my votes. Too busy. I also choose not to vote on my serial downvoters (2-4). I don't want to be one. So I just don't. Mostly.
I would like to start riding my bike. Maybe go back to swimming, but I'm afraid. After I had influenza viral pneumonia, I couldn't go in the pool for a year because the cold felt like knives in my lungs. I am loath to try it yet. Gentle bike and walk, sigh. I dance some, but by the time a band starts at 8 pm, I want to go to sleep.
Blessings, all.

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