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So I might not go to my cousin's wedding and I'm trying to decide how I feel about that. When I was reading my codependency book, I was warned that people might be upset when they found out that things that had worked in the past were no longer effective. I didn't handle things the way that I should have on Sunday. Instead of sticking to my guns I went wishy-washy. Jill asked if they could stay at the condo and I told her that her father would have to talk to me about that himself. She asked another time and again I redirected her. The plan was to go swimming with my family and once the girls heard about that, they opted to stay with me instead of him. I had been cleaning out the garage, he helped me move some drywall and plywood out of the way. He moved it near the door which I didn't like, my fear was that it would stay there and I wouldn't be able to easily move it, but I told myself I was being silly since the bathroom guy was coming the very next morning and I knew he was reliable.

Monday morning came and the tile guy asked where his contract paperwork was. I didn't know what my ex had done with it so I did some hunting around the house. It wasn't where I thought it would be so I sent my ex a text. Then I called him. When I didn't get an answer I had to make a decision. The contractor told me he could run an errand and come back for the paperwork. I assumed it had been signed, but it hadn't been. So if you can believe this, I drove into Milwaukee, looked at tile, didn't buy any because I didn't know what to get, drove back out there on Sunday with my aunt, and drove back out there twice on Monday so I could return it. The first time I drove out there I didn't have my receipt so I had to go back. I did this because this is what I'm used to doing. I did this because I am codependent. I did this because I thought that it would be nice for my children to live in a home that doesn't have exposed studs that smell like rodent feces. I did this to help him out because I thought that I was being a nice person. 

His dad made two trips out here to pick up drywall that is going to sit in my garage until someone other than me does something with it. I have no experience hanging drywall and while I'm sure I could learn, it will be a cold day in hell before I spend another penny I don't have to on any of the projects around here. I'm living here, but I don't have any obligation to fix up anything. The broken windows, those that are missing, those are not my problem. I don't have to stress out about the crack in the basement wall or the mice that are still running around in our walls because guess what? I don't own this place. There's mildew in our main bathroom and mold growing on the walls down in the basement. I will have to do something about that, and that's just life with a landlord who doesn't care about his own property. I can't remember if I wrote about this or not, things have been busy and chaotic to say the least, but I called a woman my therapist recommended who comes over to help people clean and organize things.

After talking to her I felt like I could do everything she was going to help me with. Then she said something that was very interesting and helpful. We were talking about emotional attachments to things and how some people can't throw things away because of the memories they have. I normally don't have a problem with that, but there's a lot that goes into getting divorced that is almost breaking me. She said to pick things up and ask myself how I felt about it. If it evoked positive feelings, I could keep it, if it reminded me of past turmoil, then I could get rid of it with a clear conscience. She advised me to pretend that she was there with me while I was doing my sorting and it really worked. I heard her voice in my head encouraging me to keep going when I wanted to stop. Her other advice was to pick a time when I was feeling pretty good, but if I waited for that I'd never get anything done. He still has bedding of mine over at the condo. I have a desk, a bookcase, and a dining room table set too.

This morning I sat in the tub bawling in helpless frustration. I thought about calling his dad to ask if he could come pick up the drywall and take it back, but I would really rather not have to involve my father-in-law in this. At times like these I wish I believed in karma. But I don't. So I got out of the tub, dried myself off, and started cleaning. I moved the chairs in the dining room, pulled the barstools out, swept, did the dishes, vacuumed in the back room and in the sun porch. I think I did other things that I can't remember now, I know I set out a fruit and cheese plate for breakfast and got the girls out of the door on time for therapy. I like to leave earlier than I need to so I can arrive on time even if I run into heavy traffic or there's a truck sitting in the middle of the road blocking my way like there was today. Being punctual makes me feel good about myself. I remembered my water bottle, but forgot to pack a book and a snack. I would have liked to have taken the girls out to eat at a small store that was grilling out today, but I went back home only to get a call that I needed to drive back across town again. Driving all over the place is killing me financially so that's another thing on my list.

I took a very short walk while the girls were at therapy. I ended up talking to these guys who were cleaning the windows. One of the guys would be willing to come out and do my windows for a hundred bucks. I have individual panes of glass so they take a lot longer to clean than a much larger surface would. I'm not sure why he reached out to me about this, but he asked if I knew anyone who was selling a reasonably priced car. I didn't think of her right away, but a girlfriend of mine has an old Infiniti so I sent her a text only to find out that they sold it yesterday. I guess some things are just not made to be. Today I learned that when nothing can be done, nothing is the thing to do. It sounds so simple, but instead of doing nothing and realizing that I was trying to control the bathroom situation when I should have let my ex and the contractor handle it, I interfered. It cost me time, money I didn't have, and it was an insane level of frustration and rage.

Right now I don't feel like I can afford to go to that wedding. Or, to put it another way, going there now will mean I run out of money the second week into the month. On one hand my heart is breaking to think about not being able to go. I love my cousin, I love that side of the family, I love my aunts and uncles on that side, and I know I can do this trip fairly economically. On the other hand, the money just isn't there, and it goes against everything I believe in to spend money that I have now, but may need later. On another hand, when I went to Dallas two years ago, it was money well spent despite the craziness of it all. I got to meet someone I have admired for years, and Jet-Poop was a superb host who catered to my weird dietary restrictions and even bought eggs for me when he's allergic himself. I slept well and when I got back home, I realized that I had really needed that time away from it all. I could go by myself, I could take just one of the girls, I could take both of the girls, I can do anything. I just have to decide what I'm going to do and make my peace with it. 

Maybe I'll call some friends and ask what they think. They can't tell me what to do, but I feel like I could use a friendly ear that has experience in such matters. I know my mom regretted not being able to go to weddings of family members. I wish I could have seen my sister get married, but a wedding is a private thing and couples should only do what makes them happy on what should be a very happy day of the rest of their lives. I think I just need to settle down, take a long hot bath, and get some rest. I've been doing a lot without many resources and I've seen some things start coming together, I'm just a ridiculously impatient person. So maybe what I need to do is become more patient and easy going. People in my family would probably drop over dead if I wasn't such a type A personality, but I'm sure some of them would be glad they no longer have to worry about me dropping dead from a heart attack or needing bypass surgery in my sixties like my grandfather on my dad's side did. 

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