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My ex came to visit this past weekend, while both our kids were here. He stays with a friend in town, who was nicknamed Good B, as opposed to a local Bad B twenty one years ago. I don't think we told him his nickname.

My ex is over covid-19, no long haul covid after getting it and working anyhow in the nursing home while people died. He quit the Washington nursing home and moved to Portland, OR. He kept working for one week a month up in the Washington nursing home, because it takes a while to get an Oregon nursing license. The Washington nursing home is very very glad to have him because have you noticed? Nurses are thin on the ground for hiring. In fact, everything is thin on the ground for hiring.

B has broken up with me to be a solitary hermit with an attitude (the attitude is my addition). Thus hermsolattiduder. A hermsolattituder can also be a sun loving hermaphrodite with an attitude or a sun loving hermaphrodite DUDE. I am TRYING to behave but failing. Humor dries tears.

It is always great to see my ex, and this time it was 48 hours before I thought oh mi gawd when is he gonna leave? I made dinner three of the nights and he and Good B came too. So dinner for five. B was busily disappearing. I did notice. He was pulling the "I want you to have time with your family." thing. Yeah, bullcrap. We all know what that means.

Anyhow, B pulled the plug a week ago Saturday. Damn. I did some heavy weight grieving and wrote a lot of poetry that noders would hate. Yesterday a friend said, "You should read He's Just Not That Into You." I thought, DAMN. Oh, okay. Yeah. And felt better.

Also my boundaries have changed. I ain't kissing any more frogs. Next person I lay a real kiss on will be one I love and one that I am quite sure loves me. And if that means I don't lay no more kisses EVER, I DO NOT CARE. Fungk men. Wilt their willies. I am tired of being jerked around and one should level up one's standards in middle age. They can go jump off a cliff or do each other, I do not care. Mostly my imagination better anyhow, though B... never mind.

Thin on the ground for hiring. There is a sign up in town for the hospital. "Hiring all positions." Meanwhile the gossip that has reached me is that the hospital fired all the most experienced people and hired a woman who then pissed off the nurses. She put them all on 12 hour shifts AND said they all have to rotate through all the departments. Your experienced obstetrics nurse who has been doing that for 30 years ain't gonna switch to the ICU. She gonna retire and say bug off. So the nurses are all retiring and quitting. The hospital decides to bring in temps and the nurses union says nope. You pay them four times as much as us. You pay us equal to them or we ain't gonna work. Now this is gossip mind you. But long time hospital employees who get fired come to me and have for the last decade. I live four blocks from the hospital and they KNOW that. Snort. Dumb hospital. I would like to run that place.

B says people don't want to work because the misguided government has given everyone money. No, I do not agree. I think people tightened their belts, stayed home, deeply appreciated the help from the gummint, and now they are reexamining their values. Do I want to work at Walmart? Hell, no. I might get covid-19. And I can survive on a lot less money than I thought. And anyhow, there is no daycare and it turns out that I like my kids and they like me. I think there is a massive shakeup in values going on and the conservatives who think it is all about money are in for a surprise. Same with the nurses and doctors. They are all thinking, yeah, is THIS how I want to spend my life? Intubating unimmunized people who say covid-19 does not exist after holding up my cell phone so they can say a last goodbye to their family? You can't PAY me enough to continue doing this. The fallout is going to be interesting. I do think and hope we get single payer out of it, not to mention a single EMR, even it is EPIC-that-sucks.

A morning soaked in hashish
and lemonade; we sneak
tastes, tendrils of each other in the
peachy light. watch stars
billow at the window, mouth of God
sighing our tapestry into the air,
outstretched like a name

we rub at each other,
sometimes to bleeding,
beveling this or that edge

your mouth is a gristmill

most days I am incendiary.

but we bloom forever.

sometimes I know it.

our hearts are flawed,
velveteen,
waiting for love to make them real.

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