Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling and today I would like to talk to you about your problems with intimacy. You have so, so, so many problems with intimacy. Admit it. To yourself and then to me. Do it.

Neither of us came here to talk, did we? We came here to RELATE to each other. This is how you build a RELATIONSHIP. So true. So absolutely and perfectly true.

Why don't we move on with your medical checkup?

Put on this backless gown that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Isn't that comfortable? Oh, sweet Jesus you look FINE. Let us move on with the checkup.

Why don't you look at this picture of a tapir while I dig around invasively in your backside. This will take your mind off things and give you something to focus on. Keep focusing. Ah, you have something lodged up in there, don't you? Is it a croc? I think it is. A green one, eh? That must have been quite a night. Does your mother know? Don't worry, I won't tell her unless you are underage. In that case, get out of my office. I'm not covered for that. I carry VERY little liability insurance. How much do you carry?

Are you comfortable in this room alone with me? No reason not to be. I'm FINE. Sit over there in your backless gown and let us talk some more.

What is your personal life like? RICH AND REWARDING? Have you ever been a fisherman? Probably not. You look soft as hell to me. SO MUCH WRONG WITH MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW PUMPING SO FAST.

I may have made a MISTAKE in running electrical current through my brain and the brain of my patient, Mr. Berhardt Goats (Friend Behr). Something is WRONG with ME!

Can you bring me a glass of water with some Scotch in it?

I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE.

The news these days is troubling, isn't it? So much trouble in the world. Pain and death. There must be some remedy. I wonder what it is. Maybe we can all go to the library soon for a "nodermeet." I understand those are all the rage these days. Nodermeets. All over the place. People getting together. Nice. Nine is less than ten. Except in advanced mathematics where it sometimes isn't. Funny, isn't it? Things depend on what kind of math you are doing. Crazy. I wonder if living on a ship is a good idea. I was sold on that idea until I saw that movie about the perfect storm. That was upsetting. Life on a boat is no miracle.

If any of you have lost anyone to a boating, shipping, or fishing accident, I keep regular office hours. Look me up. In the Yellow Pages and also on buses (where I sometimes advertise).

Life is more than a plate of pig slop. Don't settle for it. Quest for power over yourself! Gorgeous! Beautiful! So good!

Most of you fucking dipshits probably are too afraid to drink tap water and buy it on SHELVES. Hell with you.

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling

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