Well, it's official - the one I love has said we're through. Oh, it hurts.

It's not his fault. I know I'm a hard person to deal with. I've put him through a lot lately - let's face it - I've put him through a lot, period. From the very beginning. I have a hard time talking about things (I'm much better in writing), and I often create misunderstandings. I'm temperamental, frequently a bitch, and I have two monkeys who can wear down the patience of a saint. I know when how he disciplines them is wrong, yet I don't have the right answers either.

The reason he can't take it anymore is that I've been thinking about moving back to where I grew up. It's been on my mind, kind of in the background, for awhile. In March I put in a job application,just to see what was available and if it would be feasible at all. I got a call back from someone wanting to set up an interview. Three weeks ago I had to go up to see my dad, who had been sick and was getting ready to fly back to Germany. I figured while I was there I might as well interview. I did, it went well, and I was offered the job.

When I came back I broached the subject (he had previously mentioned that he thought Lafayette was someplace he could live). He seemed very doubtful of my ability to pull the move off, and kept raising technical objections (i.e. "but what will you do about the kids' insurance? Who'll take care of the house?"). He said he would think about it, but that he wanted me to make my decision based on what was best for me. I made a list of things I would have to take care of if I were to move, but I had not decided. I figured I would ask him to come to Indiana with me over the 4th of July weekend, so we could see if this was something we could do.

The 1st of July we were getting ready to go see Spider-Man 2, and he told me he wouldn't be coming along on the trip. I tried not to, but I couldn't... I had to ask if this meant he had decided. He said yes. After the movie when we came home he held me and wanted to talk about it. I was so hurt but I could understand why he didn't want to - I just didn't know what to say. I messed up - I couldn't talk to him like he wanted me to. Finally he got up and drove home.

I've been unable to think straight since. i just feel paralyzed. My safe haven is gone. I won't be moving to Indiana right now - I had never accepted the job anyway. I figure I'll try to get into grad school at Purdue fall of 2005, and move next summer.

He'll be coming to get his stuff tonight - I know it's an imposition, he will have worked all day and has to work again tomorrow but I just can't face looking at the reminder that it's over.

He was so much like me; we were so well suited to one another. I honestly thought moving to Indiana would be a good thing for both of us - Indianapolis and Chicago are both within easy day trip distance, there are a bunch of noders there, and you can do SCA stuff at least two days a week. I would have gotten away from my ex, I would have a support system, people who are actually willing to watch my kids for me, and I think we could have had a lot of fun, and after a short readjustment period a lot less stress than we have here. He's so smart and good with people (when he wants to be) that I'm sure he could have gotten a better job there than he has here - for one thing the Purdue Memorial Union is looking for managers for several new food places.

But I can totally understand that he wants to stay here, though. His family is here, his friends are here, and he's in line for a manager position at the coffee shop where he works. It'd be asking an awful lot to move 6 hrs away with me and two monkeys to a place where he knows nobody I don't know. I was just really hoping he would.

I really really wasn't going to write anything here. I really wasn't, but then I realized that now that he's gone I don't have anyone but you guys that I can let this out to. One of my friends hates him, I can't expect sympathy from her, the other is too busy with her kids and school stuff, and the third has such major problems of her own that she can't think of anything else. For some reason, just writing and not posting it doesn't get it off my chest. I guess I know it's not actual communication, in my heart, and I can't fool myself that it is.

To him: I'm sorry. I wish I could change things, change myself, for you. I've tried, really I have, to become the person you'd want me to be. You've made such a difference these last two years, and I want to thank you. If I hadn't had your support I'd probably still be trapped in my abusive marriage. I want to thank you for the way you've taken care of my kids - they really love you, although it's hard to tell sometimes. Guess what - I do listen to you and take your advice seriously. I often act on it, too. You've given me so much support, and such a sense of security, ironically enough, without it I probably wouldn't have had the courage to think about moving. You've been my refuge from the many storms of the last year. Thank you.

It hurts to think I'll never come home to you again, never have to try hard to resist that one kiss (because we both know what'll happen if we take that first little step), never wake up to see you looking at me with that tenderness in your eyes from watching me sleep, never laugh at the Osbournes with you anymore. I'll miss our fierce debates about anything and everything. Smoke from a clove will never smell the same to me. Even your fashion sense, which you use for evil - I'll miss your hideous shirts. I love you very much, but I understand. Goodbye.

DISCLAIMER: This is a subjective writeup, written by one of the two parties involved. It is my point of view, not an objective statement of fact, and his side may look entirely different.

Update: He can't make it tonight, and Social Services came by today, with his stuff stacked in plastic bins in the middle of the floor and a sink full of unwashed dishes cuz I ran out of dishwasher detergent, and they'll be recommending in court on Tuesday that the kids go to my ex. Ain't life grand.

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