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Recently (as in recent memory), I was asked to deliver a speech to the Utica chapter of the Straight White Men's Cultural Center on our approach to 2020. It is a New Year, in case you had not heard. This happens with some regularity. New Years.

An annual event. There is likely an explanation or two for this. I am not invested in that aspect of what transpires forthwith. Indeed. You know what I mean, friend.

I recently taught you a lot about elves and Tom Cruise (an actor). Part of that has to do with worshipping the truly translucent being that Tom Cruise has become. As such, I decided that "Let go and let Tom" would be the new standard for the Straight White Men's Cultural Centers of America moving forward as we battle against the eradication of our culture by the government. This is a saying adopted by Tom's adherents to celebrate his true translucence (which is quite something let me tell you). I think you understand what I am saying here. Truth is in my words. It resonates with you and changes you. It changes your fundamental biological structures in such a way that you move closer to becoming my pet. Soon we will get there. Soon.

There are two things on my agenda after I am rightly elected president when it comes to the space program. The first is the idea of putting a zoo in space. The other involves something I call a "sex camp" being put into orbit. I'm not sure how you feel about these ideas.

Tom Cruise could probably sit down with me and talk with me about these things in a meaningful way. I think that would be something I would enjoy experiencing before my eventual passing. I wonder if this can be arranged through any organizations. Do you know?

These are serious concerns that I have and they impact many lives in different sorts of way that I expect you to become conversant with through brochures you can find being handed out near bus stops. This information is vital. Put it in your wagon. Take that to the cleaners. I am serious. You'll find it rewarding in so many ways. I am also serious about that. Think about it.

When you "let go" it involves a process which involves (a) Letting, and (b) Go. Let us approach these two different but interesting concepts. They frame why we absolutely need Tom Cruise, more than any military or money or anything. We NEED Tom Cruise and that is why he, an enlightened being, is here with us ON THIS PLANET. Do you understand where I am coming from? It is building inside you, this understanding of the real meaning of Tom Cruise in not only your life but in the history of the planet, past and present. He is beyond what can even be CONSIDERED. That is where we are at with this.

Back when Tom Cruise was repeatedly thrusting his cock into Nicole Kidman, we had a saying around Baltimore. "Do you think the Orioles are going to be any good this year?" That summed up how we felt about all that, and that is NOT a hill of beans. You have to conceive of what is going on during this activity, and not just the main event. How are dishes on the shelf being impacted? Are they shaking? Is this right? What about neighbors? Do they know what they are listening to? The thrusts? The constant thrusts?

These things are fucking amazing when you think about how much time we spend each day wondering if a moan we attributed to the wind was actually the echoes of Tom and Nicole's passion. We do NOT know. And so, this leads us to the equation. To let go and let Tom.

Yes, let us. Release the stress. Release the worry. Release the fear. Let go and let Tom. He will attend to everything. He has emotional context as we saw in jawdropping hit movie Jerry Maguire and other LUMINOUS films, and we've seen plenty of action chops from him. He is there for you and will arrive if you just let go and let Tom.

Leave the baby on the stove. Don't turn the meat over. No need to pay those bills. Let go and let Tom.

This is how life was meant to be. 

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