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I'm sure we can all breathe easier now that this little detail has been cleared up in a legal fashion.

Recently, a tabloid magazine publisher offered the sum of $500,000 to anyone who could provide incontrovertible proof that one Tom Cruise was, indeed, a homosexual.

The publisher soon received a videotape, from Germany, which purportedly showed the movie star engaged in gay sex.

Cruise found out about it, and immediately filed a $100,000,000 lawsuit against the publisher. The thing went to court, and Cruise won, forcing the publisher to retract any and all statements saying the videotape featured Cruise.

This certainly isn't the first time Cruise has filed, and won, lawsuits to defend his sexual identity. This case, however, is unusual in that the settlement involves a stipulation that states the magazine publisher must acknowledge, for now and evermore, that "(Cruise) is not, and never has been, homosexual and has never had a homosexual affair."

In other words, Cruise now has his heterosexuality enforced by the courts. He has forced someone to say something in a legally binding agreement that may or may not be true. Cruise's attorney, a gentleman named Bert Fields, stated after the ruling, "He's not gay and the judge so ruled." 1

Rumors about movie star's sexual preferences have circulated for as long as there have been movie stars. Everyone from Barbara Stanwyck to Richard Gere have had nasty, queer, and possibly libelous rumors distributed about their choice of sex partners. None, that I am aware of, have gone about prosecuting the rumors with as much zeal as Mr. Cruise. I'm forced to wonder why this is so. The man, despite admittedly persistent rumors about his sexuality, continues to be one of the biggest movie stars of our times. The rumors obviously haven't hurt his career.

My wonderings are really a moot point now that Cruise enjoys the legal status of compulsory heterosexual. However, I do feel just a bit cheated. I'm beginning to wonder if we, the moviegoing public shouldn't now file a class action lawsuit against Cruise himself to force him to defend his new legal status. I mean, I've never seen Tom have sex with anyone. How do I know if he's gay or straight? This is important information to have! I mean, if I see Tommy up there on the screen banging away at a woman and I don't know if he's really straight or not ... I won't be able to enjoy the movie! What, I'm supposed to believe the court, and their ruling? Did the judge get to see Tom have jungle sex with Nicole or Mimi ... or even Kyle? I think not.

So, to put this issue to bed, I propose we all get together, file a lawsuit, and (especially for the sake of Tom's (all adopted2) children) force Mr. Cruise to work to maintain his status as the world's only legal heterosexual by having him perform the following duties:

  • Once a month, Cruise must have sex with a woman, on live TV and webcast. Said sex must be penetrative and ejaculatory.
  • Tom's children (since Cruise has stated that his primary concern about these rumors is that his did-I-mention-they're-all-adopted-kids will read about them and worry) must watch this event monthly, so they can be assured that, contrary to rumor and tabloid reporting, Tom is, indeed, a heterosexual.
  • A representative panel of the moviegoing public must be allowed to question Cruise after the event, to make sure Tom's thoughts during the procedure didn't waver from the straight and narrow.
  • Web filtering software should be installed on any and all Internet access devices Cruise owns, to ensure he's not cheating us by visiting gay or bisexual related websites.
  • Likewise, only portrayals of male-female sex should be permitted in his collection of erotic art, and UN inspection teams must be allowed to monitor said collection. Attempts to deny the teams ability to inspect will be met with cruise missile (heh) strikes against Tom's property.
  • If Cruise violates any of the above stipulations, even once, he will be stripped of his legal and binding status as a heterosexual, and must refund all monies earned from every single movie in which he's starred (yeah, "Losin' It" too) to his fans

    There, I think that should do it. It's not going to be easy for Mr. Cruise, but, hey, when you're a trailblazing, manly, heterosexual, multi-millionaire movie star, it shouldn't really be that difficult. As a public figure, and legal precedent-setter, I'm sure he'll be able to rise to the occasion, don't you?

    1All quotes taken from Yahoo! entertainment news, http://dailynews.yahoo.com

    2Tom's been getting jiggy with Katie Holmes and we all know the result of THAT.

    Addendum: Also? Tom Cruise is only 5'4", therefore he can't be gay. He just can't. His ... petiteness ... would make 69'ing any average sized guy imPOSSible.

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