Americans for Purity ROCK!

This is DEFINETLY a joke. Although the first time I read it, I was absolutly speechless and disgusted with humankind. The best tidbit from the page, aside from what is mentioned above, is found in the checklist for parents wanting to protect their little darlings from this evil sin. There are nine things to look for:

1. Does your teenager have acne?
Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't Masturbate have acne.
2. Is your teenager depressed?
If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy the most likely cause is Chronic Masturbation.
3. Does your child lock his or her bedroom door?
It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there Masturbating!
4. Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music?
If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try Masturbation.
5. Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear?
There's only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check!
6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions?
The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.
7. Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles?
If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to Masturbate, either.
8. Does your child look guilty or deny Masturbating?
Very few teenagers will openly admit to Masturbating!
9. Have you caught your child Masturbating?
If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating.

Number nine is the best. Read it again.
At any rate, my friend who first sent me this site, (which is also, if you look hard enough, linked to the "World Wide Wank: Stuck-Together Pages.") happens to be a chronic masturbater himself. I think masturbating is one of his favorite things to do. Hell, I think it's a happy, healthy activity myself, but he takes it to the extreme. Which is fine. (Give him a break, he also likes industrial music, but his real problem is not being a noder. Silly boy.) He was unsure about the truth of this site, plus he wanted to prove to a rather fired-up me that the site was a joke as he believed it to be, so he sent the webmaster the following email:

Dear Americans for Purity,

I cannot express how much your website has done to change my life for the better. Before I had been blessed with the oppurtunity of finding your site, I masturbated every day, sometimes twice, thrice, or even four times(!) a day. I would abuse the internet, and rather than using it to find information as to how I could be a better Christian, I used it to find pornographic material. I've seen unspeakable things that I can only hope Jesus has the power to forgive me for.

I couldn't control this abusive habit, and when my friends at school would joke about it, I could only laugh weakly and look away. Deep down inside I knew that it wasn't good for me like some so-called "medical professionals" had said.

But then I found your site. I wasn't sure whether to start up a program of nonmasturbation until one day, my parents caught me in my room, masturbating to a grainy video of a woman commiting the sin of bestiality with some unfortunate horse. As soon as they opened the door, I ejaculated, missing my tissue and spreading it all over my clothing. The shame I felt then was enough to make me change my ways.

Now, I've installed NetNanny and SurfWatch onto my computer, and every night, I strap and lock a tight rope around my underwear to prevent me from temptation. Thank you so much Americans for Purity! I want you to know that I've joined the hopefully ever-growing number of young Americans who have decided to say a firm "NO!" to masturbation and a "YES!" to the true teachings of Jesus Christ.

Celebate in Cincinnati

In response we received the following:

"Dude, I get hundreds of e-mails from retards playing the same stupid bullshit game you're trying to play. None of you are funny and you're all boring. Fuck off."

I guess his site got him a bigger reaction than he had hoped for. But at any rate, it is still online, and it gets added to off and on. As a closing fun fact, under the FAQ section, there is this:

7) Aren't Crime and Poverty bigger problems today than Masturbation? What is Americans For Purity doing about Crime and Poverty?
As far as Crime goes, it's pretty obvious that Masturbation and Football (you know, guys bending over in tight pants) are the leading causes of Rape and other sexual Crimes. After Masturbation and Football are made illegal, the crime rate will plummet...

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