Today is May 1, 2020, and I have not paid my rent. It feels strange to even think about this, especially because I tend to be almost hyper-vigilant about paying my bills, but today, like last month, I realized that I had the option to defer rent, and chose to exercise it. Knowing that the money will go to the apartment complex eventually is fine with me, I've been applying for jobs, and will resume that if I don't happen to get this one. I've not really lost actual weight, but being more active has helped me firm up a bit. This morning I put on a size small shirt and it actually fit me better than the medium did. During a phone call with a relative she asked if she felt if the activity rather than eating better was the key, but I threw in a third component, not being at work where I was stressed out and reached for snacks. There were things I was good at, and reasons that I'm glad I no longer work there. If the position I had opens back up, I would have to think about it, because now that I've had some time to process things, there was a lot about that job that I should not have put up with, and did.
The other day I reached out to a local business owner I have known on a very superficial level for years, and on a deeper level for less than that. I asked if he might be interested in doing me a favor, and he sent me his cell phone number along with instructions for me to call or text at any time. I've been writing for a long time, don't do much with it, and I want to change that. My friend put me in touch with a person who does editing in addition to having a larger role in the publishing business. His email reply was very nice, and I appreciated him getting back to me so quickly, and being candid about his current responsibilities which include homeschooling (as an aside, I am so incredibly grateful my children are old enough for that time in our lives to be past). We agreed to chat on Wednesday evening, and considering my calendar is typically largely empty, even when I am working, I have a couple of things penciled in for next week. This feels like a very big important step, I was scared to reach out, but I did, it went well, and I'm counting that as a quarantine success.
Rejection in any form hurts. Losing my position and then my job was tough. It was a blow financially, but more so, I feel the psychological impact. It was important to work in my family. I can remember thinking my children were lazy as probably the majority of parents do at some point, I know it seemed as if my mom and dad were constantly harping about something, and now that I have four walls to myself, I am just beginning to realize how much work it is just to live. There is no end to the cleaning, maintenance, scrubbing, putting things away, getting things out, the amount of furnishings I need to move to get at the baseboards is eternal, an unending stretch of blockades preventing me from doing this on a more regular basis. Not long ago I added some lime green barstools to my living area. At the time it was a pop of color, something fresh, whimsical, I was shaking things up a bit. Now I look at them and think, is it really better this way? Perhaps it is neither better nor worse, just different, and it depends what my agenda is, a place to rest a plant on, or an impediment to dust free baseboards.
I still have more than enough food to eat, more than enough clothes to wear, social media keeps me connected to others, and my family has a text thread going. I'm lonely, but I still have money in the bank, and I consider that a huge accomplishment. I'm really proud of myself for numerous things, that I'm even writing this instead of laying down like I would prefer, I've been courageous when I was scared, and that counts for something even when I reflect on the times I shrank away from expanding my horizons. I like myself a lot better than I did. Sure I lost some 'friends' along the way, but they were temporary anyways. They weren't good for me, or I outgrew them, I'm reminded of the small video clip a friend once sent me about falling in love with people who were in your life for a single season rather than a longer period of time. They're not bad, you're not better than they are. Thank them, be kind to yourself, sounds much easier than it is in practice. I painted over a blue and green painting, and I'm not thrilled with the new color combination, but it was something to do, and I can always paint over it again.
There were things I did at work that I am proud of today. Things that had nothing to do with my job, that I will never receive pay or recognition for, that I know happened, and were part of the reason I was placed there. It hurts, I'm sad, but I need to let go, and move forward. There was a termination of my employment, and that stings too. The company could have chosen another route, given me a furlough option rather than laying me off, but I have so loved and needed this time regardless of how I might be feeling at any given moment. So often what I need is far from what I want, so there is a lesson in that too, not that I am hurting for life lessons at the moment, there is so much to learn, and I'm glad I realize that I will never know everything, nor even most, or many things. I place much less value on knowing things than I did, and this is helpful too. I've let people show me sides of them that weren't pretty, I also was taken in by others when perhaps I should have known better. I will rise above, forgive, and send the love to myself that they did not. Whatever they did, or did not do, is on them, just as those things are on me when I do, or do not do them.
Hoping this finds you well,
J
P.S. Today is really hard. I feel like the five year old watching everyone else get onto a bus without realizing that I will be eventually left behind. It's temporary, and only a feeling, but it is still a part of my reality today. On a more positive note, fitting into a smaller sized shirt was a terrific ego boost. Go me!
j