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I don't know how many times I've heard aspiring cult leaders ask me, "Dear God, do I have a messiah complex?" Well, your prayers are answered, my children. Take this simple true/false test, and you'll know for sure. I would also advise you to empty your savings account for me, that I may pay my quit my day job and help thousands of your friends and neighbors find the salvation that they need, whether they want it or not...

Before You Declare Yourself God...
Take the time to complete this simple test. Answer true or false to each of the questions below, and keep track of your answers. (As Ruler of the Universe, you'll have to get used to doing things yourself anyway.) Then compare your score to the key at the bottom of the page. Good luck. I think.

1) I hear the voice of a god/the god/God telling me what to do.

2) I carefully collect my hair and nail clippings to use later in the healing of cripples and sexual deviants.

3) I'm quite sure that my parents were not my parents at all, but simply automatons programmed to raise me this way.

4) I get turned on when people sneeze and I get to say, "Bless you."

5) I have pre-cognitive dissonance and clairvoyant paranoia.

6) I have pictures of myself on the walls of my home.

7) I talk to the pictures of myself on the walls.

8) The pictures of myself on the walls talk back to me.

9) My powers tell me that there are 23 questions in this test.

10) The minions of evil recognize me. That's why they won't give me any more credit cards.

11) I often refer to people twice my age, as "My child".

12) Every time I sit down to write my autobiography or memoirs, I end up turning out another holy book.

14) I'm superstitious to a fault.

15) I don't sleep; I commune with other gods on the Astral Plane.

16) I refer to Christ and Buddha as "my predecessors".

17) I'm convinced that things would be better in the world if I could only afford a thirty minute infomercial.

18) We often refer to ourselves in the first-person-plural.

19) I don't think that I could ever have too many names.

20) I sometimes get phone calls or other communications from distant stars or beings from the near future.

21) I sincerely believe that Destiny had a hand in getting me this food-service job, to make me humble enough to accept the responsibilities of single-handedly restoring the human race.

22) I firmly believe that Qabala is beneath me.

23) I do not have a messiah complex. I am the messiah!

What's Your Score?
If you answered "True" to 5 or more of these questions, then it's very likely that you have a messiah complex. If you answered "True" to question number 9, however, you're just a crackpot-- there are only 22 questions in the test, just as there are 22 characters in the Hebrew alphabet and 22 paths on the Tree of Life. But of course you probably think that Qabala is beneath you, and you don't even have to have a sharp eye for detail because your Space Brother friends from Sirius will come and vindicate you, right?

Note: this was rescued from an archive of my ancient (1994ish), now long gone web site, Paradise Lost.

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