It has recently come to my attention that the readers of my column here at everything2 are in an alternate timeline. It is my understanding, through confidential sources, that you are in a timeline where Trump did not win a second term as President. I hope you are doing well there. We are not.


Now, the guys who work at the library (who also make excellent cinematic productions) have been branching out into new areas. I have been so proud of them for doing so that I let each of them run their tongues along the perimeter of my aerola. I am good to mankind. I have kindness in my hot little heart, and if you have a beast that you want to unleash, I have a cave that loves being explored. Lets do lunch.

The guys who work at the library have come up with a system to handle America's problems. They are trying to reverse engineer what they have so far in the hope that it will produce the results they desire, but in reverse. They have worked out through the vestiges of science (needs to be noded) that with all the Presidents that we've had, something like forty-six, what we should do when there is any kind of issue in the country is to summon the President who we decide is most capable of handling what is going on. Maybe there is a pandemic. Get the pandemic guy! You guys feel me on this? Come on and feel me. Put your hands all over my ample breasts. Let them heave in your mitts.

There are issues with (a) engineering, (b) time travel, time displacement dynamics, and reverse engineered time displacement replacement theory. The guys who work at the library are on it. They have access to many books on account of working at the library.

For example, what if we get a Great Depression or a World War? We can get that FDR fellow. He has a lot of experience with those things. What if we needed to break into a building to get top secret files before Hans Gruber gets them and sells them to terrorists? We would get Nixon. Maybe if we get a Vietnam War we can get someone like Ulysses S. Grant involved. We can summon him to the moment.

Now, the time displacement replacement theory holds that when you take something from one point in time, you must replace it with something else. That something else must be around the same mass as the first thing. So, you have to find a similar sized person to play time switcheroo (really needs to be noded). One of the guys from the library suggested that we hire President impersonators to play time switcheroo with the Presidents. I told them that there aren't any John Tyler impersonators anywhere in the world. There is no demand for that anywhere. It is almost embarrassing. I hope his descendants cry their fucking eyes out thinking about that asshole. What a jackass.

So, as the guys who work in the library tell me, there are additional problems involved in the time switcheroo. While the President from that time is resolving issues in our time, who is watching things in their time? Some washed up actor who does James K. Polk impressions for a living? There could be a disaster of horrific proportions, like we have now during Trump's second term, which is quite horrible. Stay in your own timeline, folks. Don't come into mine. Stay in your lane, dudes and dudettes and uggers.

There is a theory in some quarters (Oxford and Cambridge, mainly) which puts forth the proposition that time displacement and replacement has been going on for years. When Presidents go on vacations, there is a possibility that this is when time switcheroos have happened. Through the use of time displacement replacement theory, we can determine that safely moving a President out of a period of relative downtime can and will happen as it is necessary. Remember when Bill Clinton would eat all those cheeseburgers to raise money for carpal tunnel syndrome on late night television in the mid-90s? Most of the time that was actually Grover Cleveland during a time switcheroo. The Oxford-Cambridge school of thought holds that since Bill Clinton has the body of a rock star, eating those cheeseburgers would have kept him from being sexy with the ladies, and so, time engineers were asked to bring in Grover Cleveland for the late night telethon. And, also according to the Oxford-Cambridge theory, you can switchoo the Presidents without changing their appearance.

Wow! We could use this technology for the good of mankind. Will you join with these people in trying to do this kind of shit? If you are interested, go to the abandoned warehouse on 15th Street in Philadelphia. Ask to talk to the "accidental tourist." He takes care of matters for the boss. You will be put to work in a new career. Imagine being passed around as a sexual plaything in a Siberian gulag by men who have basically depreciated into animals. And they want your ass. And they want it bad. Good luck with that.

But, joining us affords you a chance to grow with a dynamic new company, which has the leadership and the vision to play time switcheroo with Presidents in order to get the most capable one in place for any and all situations. Amen to that!

I once had sexual relations with someone who was only 3/4 human. One of his grandparents was not a human being. I have a lot of different feelings and thoughts about this. Really troubles me at night sometimes. At least I didn't get knocked up by it, whatever it was. You have to be fully human to count. Someone whose grandparent was a marmoset is upsetting, not human.

Our company is forming. You will work for us. No pay, but you get a chance for 12 hours of backbreaking work under an absolutely unyielding boss who firmly believes in and practices corporal punishment on his underlings. This is good work experience for the youngster just starting out, the loser who never made anything out of his or her life, or the senior citizen who is just barely getting by, has rats in her basement, and has never experienced the pleasure of anal penetration by an erect penis. This job, well, that sort of thing will happen on the first day. No pay. Good experience. Work hard. Get somewhere in life. Rich.

The engineering department, the science department, and the time management department are now working on the hard part: Building the actual time machine. 

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