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It's funny really, I say I am going with no expectations...and I mean it. Seems like others have their own expectations. Well I cannot control what others worry about.

It is time for me to feed my spirit. It has been starving. I spend so much time worrying and praying for everybody else, I expect that will continue, but what about me? I have neglected me. There is no more time to waste. My time is short. So it is me, God and Mother Earth. I cannot wait to get deep in the desert. And I intend to pray...pray like no other. With the sun on my face and fresh air to breathe. Awe to breathe again.

I am no longer going to be a slave to my thoughts or my heart. It seems like everything within my spirit has been working against me. Punishing me for my mistakes and many sins. Long suffering...that is my punishment now. So I shall pray...pray for a way to forgive myself. Because that is the key, I believe, to freeing myself, so that someday I will allow myself to move on. And if that doesn't work...well it will be the end of me.

So very tired...tired of just giving myself. And people take, and they take; with what seems no regard for me or my stupid feelings. I am not blameless...I let them do it. I am an enabler. So, fuck trust. Fuck everything told to me in some drunken stupor. Protection is the name of the game from here on out. How has this happened? My beautiful outlook on life is so tarnished now. Time to rub away at that tarnish 'till I am shiny again. Only I can do that. Or maybe not. Maybe I should go through life with eyes wide shut too. Seems to work for some people. Hold back, give as little as possible. Never let them know what you are thinking. Such crap.

Maybe the answer is that it is a combination. Because I can shine myself up, but there is no way to take out the dings. Those scars serve a purpose I suppose, a reminder for the future. Time to start embracing my scars and really learn from them. Befriend them so to speak. So no new paint. This is me living my true colors. The bright beautiful colors, and the dark shadows too. So when I return to this earth, dust to dust, it won't spit me back out.
Because seriously, that is the ultimate rejection.

So, there is no hand to hold...nobody to lead me out of the tunnel. Nobody to walk by my side, no encouraging words.
You might expect me to say the journey will be long and hard. Bring it...I am getting used to that. But in all seriousness, I feel that if I just let go, really let go...it will come with ease. Kind of like when someone procrastinates doing something, then tackles the job realizing that, wow that was seriously simple, why did I waste so much energy worrying about that.

In conclusion, I have put these words down for me. So I can come back daily and remind myself of my goal. I don't expect any understanding...I don't expect anything. Only time will tell who is there waiting for me on the other side.

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