The smell got to me first.
Almost like a mesquite roast with a honey glaze. It was a cooking fire after all. Charnel scented with burnt timber, a clump of caramelized sugar and flour melting onto the granite top.
If I didn’t know where I was, if I hadn’t lived here but three hours ago, I would be apathetic to the blackened, smoky vista I now inhabited. Nothing seems real until it touches you.
Chemical, electrical, kinetic, it was too soon to tell the exact source of the event that took my life away from me. Had it been an accident or on purpose? I don’t know. Was it the personal deed of a tired and pained person, or was it the impassioned act of some angry other? I couldn’t tell. I’m not sure if I truly want to understand the answers to these questions. Answers would define the event forever, but mystery could always leave me with hope that my darker thoughts are false. Ignorance is a bittersweet bliss.
My love.
My opponent. My keeper. My ear. My warm. My leader. My second.
Stray atoms now, with little purpose other than to exist with the potential to become a part of something else. Something that will not mean anything to me in the future if I can still find reason in my own existence from here on. I could cling to the waning strands of hope, but that almost feels selfish now.
Perhaps I’ll go eat something. I am hungry now after all. Perhaps I could go to a store and find something to take my mind off all this. Perhaps I could go find someone who will take my mind away for me. Perhaps later. I just want to…stand here now and look.
Other people are coming in now telling me things. I understand them full well, but for the moment, I’d rather they think I don’t understand or hear. If I ignore them they might go away, and I could go somewhere else.
Things have changed and they have stayed the same. I have more time now; more time without having to heed the desires of someone else. I still have feelings though, but at the moment I really wouldn’t call that a comfort.
I think I will just take a few things and go now.
Tomorrow will be a busy day.