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names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent...

The sun hangs like coal-ember in a sky thick with tropical heat. The dance of color the setting creates is a testament to the fact that we are yes, in fact, in Hawaii. I take a swig of warm beer from the bottle and gaze around at the friends here with me that I've come to know and love.

Villa Lobos and Juana represent the pixies in our crew. Both are tiny creatures full of energy and passion. Juana can be kind of a bitch sometimes but since we all know that Villa Lobos will marry her someday we let it slide. To my left, milling around the barbecue is Asno Agradable. I know, "Villa Lobos and Asno Agradable?" you say. Most guys in the fraternity go by their last names. Nunca Feliz and I alone seem to be the exceptions, as usual. Asno Agradable can sometimes fit into that all too reiterated Jewish stereotype. While he can be one helluva'n asshole, he is always there to go to bat for his friends, as he has for me on many occasions. Just watch out if you aren't counted as one of them.

Of course there is Nunca Feliz, but he has his sister along with us on this trip. Lesbiana is a great friend of mine, even more of a drama queen than her brother, but she is surely one confused individual. At least, when it comes to sex. She came out only a couple years ago (she is 23 I believe), but soon decided that that wasn't enough. So then she decided that she only liked girls that dressed, talked, and acted like guys. They change their names to male names and insist that you refer to them using male pronouns. Oh man, watch out with these girls if you ever refer to them as she. Like I said, confusing.

The only reason we poor college kids (Well, except Asno Agradable that is. His dad is Will Smith's accountant and is known to share a regular game of golf with the Fresh Prince.) were even able to visit paradise was because Nunca Feliz's grandmother owns a condo in Maui. That's how we found ourselves in the only sleepy little tourist-town left in Hawaii: Lahaina. The locals still reign supreme here, but you'll have no trouble satisfying your shopping itch. The food is, of course, spectacular. We had an auspicious start, as our rental Jeep broke down the same day we rented it. It was also amusing to ride with our driver as he casually conversed with us all the while drinking from his can of Budweiser. Luckily we all fell in love with the new Jeep, affectionately referred to as Jeep #2. It served us well.

Among our colorful experiences...

Waking up early to catch the perfect waves breaking right outside our door when the water was still glassy. Me, being conned by one of the locals into buying fake weed (oh, he was good). Having our friend overnight a quarter in a jar of peanut butter; throw those dogs right off the scent. Witnessing Lesbiana become the group's savior one night when she casually strolls in and throws down an eighth on the table without a word. She had hooked up that night with someone well connected apparently (boy at the time). Luau; a smorgasboard of food and alcohol (hollowed out pineapples filled with MaiTai), music and revelry that won't soon be forgotten. I believe it was that night that I broke the lamp in the condo and then had to take Jeep #2 clear across the island the next day to buy a replacement. Who could forget the time we all rented scooters in an attempt to become the Hawaiian version of an English mod gang and went barreling down the Maui coastline. Priceless. Snorkeling over black rocks reached only after passing through a forest of tall trees where every visible thing is emerald green. Night sessions on the beach.

You get the picture.

Everyone said I looked like Hunter S. Thompson during that trip because of my shaved head and small round sunglasses. I prefer to think it was the Johnny Depp HST of Fear and Loathing, but of course, then I would be wrong. And in conclusion? There is no conclusion. Who needs conclusion when you have paradise?

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