In today's modern world, there is too much fru fru Nancy boy coffees in break rooms across America. First of all, break rooms are a bad idea. They encourage people to take breaks which the businessman does not want his laborers (whose blood he owns) but more than that, these gourmet coffees are total shit. Industrial strength office coffee is the ONLY way to go. You need to line your stomach with a very healthy coating of oily residue that takes twenty-five to thirty years to even think about breaking down. You need that inside you now. You do. Tell it to me in soft tones. "Friend Behr, I need it inside me." Good. Good for you. Get it out. Get it all out.

Offices were filthy places in the 1970s, as they were meant to be. These are places of business, not of cleanliness. If you value cleanliness, your soul is already lost. Clealiness means NOTHING. There was no sick leave either, so employees vomiting on the floor and coughing up big, black sooty chunks of rot from their lungs was frequent. This was a place where business got done and it was serious business. It isn't like those, "Oh, let us be nice to you" workplaces of today. They made you WORK. Some of you need to be made to work on your hands and knees. Grovel for a change. You are the working class. Act like it for a change. Kneel before Businessman and men in general. Go outside and find a man to kneel down in front of now.

But coffee has always been a fixture of American life. As the American worker drone is prepared for a life of hard labor in the camps due to being not from a good family, it is exposed to bad info, like freedom, liberty, and choice. These are stripped from the human in early life and his memory wiped in a perfect world of my design. A drill is inserted into the ear and I chew through the brain material with the drill taking huge amounts of delight as brain matter sputters and spools out of the ear canal. Good stuff. It is what is RIGHT for the working classes. Their unrest will end. It will end with office coffee from the 1970s.

How can you make a cup of 1970s era office coffee at home? First of all, throw out your fancy, limp-wristed fairy boy coffee makers. In. The. Trash. All of it. All of your gourmet coffee IN THE TRASH NOW. That stuff is wrong. It is filled with liberalism and illusions and anti-Americanism. Now, get yourself some "second hand beans."


Making me some office coffee
Just like in 1973
Piss water and second hand grounds
Put that shit back in the filter again
And again and again and again
Grounds can be used to make twelve pots of coffee
Same grounds every time
Don't fall for the lies
Office coffee rules!

--The Heavy Steadys, Office Coffee Rules


Because The Heavy Steadys, one of my favorite bands in the straight white male genre, are big fans of coffee from the offices and warehouses of the 1970s, we know that is the RIGHT kind of coffee to be drinking. Wait until the infidels burn in our streets and we rule. It is the way of things since the Sixth Century. What a wonderful time that was. 527 was a great year. So much free form living. So many subjugated. Righteous. 

When you walk into a 1970s office, the first time you see is the seriousness of the business being conducted. There are no computers. There are no toys at desks. There are bosses and there are workers and hammers are used to control the workers. And a filthy coffee pot is set up with filthy old cups and the boss says, "Drink this if you get tired, but NEVER stop working. This is the 1970s when workers were treated the RIGHT WAY."

This coffee sits and is heated throughout the day non-stop. You cannot control when it is made. That is for others to control. You will drink. That is your role with the coffee. Follow the rules. Fulfill your role. Take a filthy old styrofoam cup that looks washed out quickly and rinsed rather than new. Pour some thick, turgid coffee into your cup. A hole is going to burn through your stomach when you drink it. The stomach lining is going to be shredded into nothing. You will suffer, but you will work. You will do your bit to make us all great. I will own a stable of 50 people and I will work them and they will drink this coffee. It is SO thick and you can put some cheap creamer in it that barely dissolves at all in the cup. You can put sugar packets in it, but those sugar packets have been licked by the janitor. That janitor also licks the toilet seats in the ladies' room. Think about it. Drink the coffee. Get back to work.

This is my weak point
Press on it, press on it
Make me freak and spaz out
I am your dolly, I am your dolly
Gonna be a time in the house tonight

--The Heavy Steadys, Breading Camille


Sometime you get on a bicycle and you do something stupid like ride into the woods. Instead of that, why not go out and get yourself a job. It is time for you to join the workforce. Look into it or you will be in the camps by this time next year. I am looking out for you because I don't like the tone of things these days. Something must be done. If not with good tidings then with a hardened steel rod that can be used to beat sense into those who disagree. Once all are forced to think the same we will have joy. We will have fun. We will have seasons in the sun. And if you get hired in the right kind of place, the kind of place that smells of old motor oil and Brylcream, you will spend a good part of the day drinking 1970s office coffee.

The experience will change you forever.

Goodnight and God bless.

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