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"Hey, can I have some of -- "

"No."

"I was asking for the cheez-its, Jim."

"You're supposed to get your own box."

"I could, but I only won seven dollars. Meanwhile someone got almost three hundred million, so how about being a little generous, hm?"

"Too late for that. My money's gone."

"What do you mean? We deposited our checks yesterday. Wait, where were you this morning?"

"Craps table. Boy, some lucky skunk managed to win big off me. I guess I shouldn't have kept going double or nothing."

"Are you fucking serious?"

"No, no. I just bought a Super Yacht, that's all."

"We're in the middle of Iowa."

"Yeah so?"

"I think you're still not being serious."

"Look out the window if you don't believe me."

"I am not even going to look out the -- "

TOOOOOOOOOOOOT

"Well I'll be damned. There's a boat in our front yard. And the neighbor's front yard. And the corner house's front yard. And the front yard of the house across the street. How in the sam hill did it get here?"

"Trust me. Once you see what this thing can do you'll understand how it's worth three hundred million dollars. Watch this."

*click*

*POOF*

"Where did you send it?"

"Some place whose water level just rose by a foot. Now I'll just -- woah!"

*clunk*

*CRASH*

"Well, thanks a lot Bob. You broke the key fob."

"I was just trying to get past you into the kitchen!"

"Oh yeah, sure. I'm sure you just accidentally bumped my shoulder. I'm sure you're not at all jealous of my three hundred million dollars."

"The three hundred million you don't have anymore?"

"Well, I mean, I put it all into a solid asset -- "

"And you think I would be stupid enough to deliberately ruin the only means anyone has of moving that solid asset to a properly liquid environment? You think I would be stupid enough to let my frustration with you turn into destructive petty vengeance? You think I would be stupid enough to dash my own hopes of experiencing that boat for myself? I'm not you."

"Yeah? Well I'm not you either. I know how to have fun. And for your information, I wasn't being dumb when I bought the boat. I know exactly what happens to people who win too much too fast in the lottery. They spend it all on vacations and fancy wine and useless junk like gold faucet handles and everyone who knows they got a bunch of money says hey can I have some, why aren't you generous with your wealth, you're a bad friend, and suddenly you have no friends to share with after all. So I shoved all my money into a purchase I could share with everyone at once. Meanwhile, you once won five hundred thousand dollars in the lottery, and you got scammed out of it the very next day because you're a gullible --

"Shut up."

"Don't tell me to shut up when I'm defending myself."

"I mean stop distracting me. I'm trying to search Twitter for breaking news about boats appearing out of nowhere. And here we are. #WTFYacht. #USSAsquith. Yep, everyone's taking photos. The boat went where you said it would."

"Marvelous. I got my money's worth. Now, what do you think the Capitol police are going to do with the damn thing?"

"Turn it over to the feds, I guess."

"Those morons? If they don't stash the boat in a warehouse they'll try to use it against Pakistani civilians."

"How would they -- "

"Let's just say it's not a tame watercraft. Come on. Let's go get our yacht back."

"Oh, now it's our yacht?"

"It was always our yacht, Bob. A boat like that isn't a box of cheez-its. I can't have fun with it if I'm alone."

"Fine. We just have to get the car past the massive boat-shaped crater in the street."

"First hurdle, I guess. I'll go pack us some clothes."

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