One of the things I like to do while completely bare-ass naked in a nerdy noder's bed is to read a magazine. I know the sex is going to be lousy (needs to be noded), and probably have some weird facets to it, so I might as well busy myself in a magazine I stole from a nail salon.

I tell you what. The kids over in Squatney are never up to any good. It drives me up a freakin' wall.

There is this thing that is going on with me. I swear, sometimes I have old woman disease or something, but my tits are still balls tight to the wall, so don't make any mistakes about that. It is just some intermittent confusion. Doesn't affect my vagina one bit. I love to get it on with nerdy noders with freaky tattoos of geckos and shit and just get all up on them until they cream their fucking jeans.

Some of you haven't been outside in a while. That is probably for the best. You zitty kids with your cranker jank boxes and your slim jeans just cheese me off anyway. I am at the beach. My tits are out. My tits are out! (needs to be noded)

I met this nerdy-ass dental floss-loving noder back in 2005. We were doing it behind the house at this nodermeet. I had his meat right in my seat, just jackhammering away, and I was impressed. Then I realized that he had fashioned this vibrator machine. It had this dildo on this motor from a model train or some such shit, and he had placed this on his crotch, attached it really, and that was what he was doing me hardcore with. I couldn't believe it. I took the machine home with me and put a bullet in his brain. God bless Julian Hart.

Whenever I go to a party, I bring protection. Usually this takes the form of two well-paid mercenaries who have fought over conflict diamonds and lived to tell about it and a vaginal inhibitor. This makes it difficult to access the vagina (nerds needs a refresher from time to time - remember, vagina is delicious - and that needs to be noded - could be a Halloween Horrorquest kind of groove right there, you know what means, sonny?).

Today is the last day of the previous part of your life. I bet you are glad to hear that. Carry on. Sally forth, laddy.

New technology can be baffling. That is why I keep nerdy noders around. I make them do stuff. I make them do a LOT of stuff. And I promise them things in return but all they get is punishment. Are you coming to Octobering in October: A October Themed Nodermeet?

I would like to go to the movies with some of you one Saturday afternoon. I would be the only one to make it out of there alive. You would be left bleeding out in the sofa-like furniture with soda and vomit just CREASED INTO THE FABRIC FOREVER SOME OF WHICH WILL GO HOME ON YOU WHICH IS ESPECIALLY GROSS IF YOU WEAR SHORT SHORTS OR NO PANTS AT ALL TO THE MOVIES LIKE A FREAK.

Can you imagine living on a man's testicle? Can you imagine what that would be like, floating through space on a freaky-ass testicle that I guess went flying out of a man's scrotum during really, really, really rough sex? That is like some SVU investigation right there. And imagine you are the size of like really tiny shit like micro-fleas or some such shit. Can you imagine?

For now, I will close. There is an important man needs attending to.

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