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I never understood what was so “Ultra” about Charmin’s new “Charmin Ultra Double Roll.” All it has is the same stupid bear as the rest of Charmin’s products, looking supremely pleased with himself while he wipes his ass. “Our softest, most absorbent!” “Double Roll!” “One Charmin Ultra Double Roll has twice as many sheets per roll as a single roll of Charmin Ultra!” What else do you know of that has double rolls and is soft? Fat old men. Why not “Charmin Old Man?” With “Extra fat!”

Smug-looking bears and soft absorbency do not make a toilet paper “Ultra.” Death robots and barbed wire make a toilet paper “Ultra.” “New! 30 grit!” in large bold lettering on the package makes a toilet paper “Ultra.” The ability to consume dogs and small children makes a toilet paper "Ultra." Free electron lasers make a toilet paper “Ultra.” Military applications for your bum-fodder make a toilet paper “Ultra.”

Not bears. No matter how clean their asses are.


Conceived, believe it or not, on the porcelain throne.

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