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I miss my dad

As many of you know my father passed away on November 12, 2004. He had been in poor health and had to undergo many surgeries throughout the last 4 years for various reasons.

I was brought up in  a Christian household, we would attend church faithfully every week. My parents both held a variety of positions in our church. They always taught us that we would go to heaven if we maintained a certain way of life.

I am glad that my father is no longer suffering the horrible pain that he was in, no longer crying out in pain and in hunger. However, that does not make it any easier knowing that he is gone. I thought I had this under control, thought I could just accept the fact that my father is in heaven and be happy for him. I am happy for him do not get me wrong, but, I feel so empty inside right now. I can not sleep at all, I have only slept about 1 hour a day since his passing. I lay awake at night when everybody else is asleep, crying out for my father.

The night of his funeral I was sitting in my bedroom crying and saying "if I only had one more chance to see him, to hug him, to tell him just once more that I love him, then maybe I would feel better". Then I remembered that I had that one more chance and did not take it. My wife and I had visited dad in the hospital that day and had to leave early to go run some errands. On the way home Harmony said "lets go see dad once more before we go home", I said "no I am tired and just want to go home, we will see him tomorrow". This led me to go into a meltdown I guess you could call it. It hit me so hard that I did not and still don't know what to do about it, all I could do is sit and bawl like a little baby.

The one saving grace in all of this is the fact that when my dad was awake one day in the ICU I took the opportunity to tell him that I love him and that I could not have hand picked a better father. I know this made him feel good because as a parent myself, I know I would love to hear that from my children someday.

Another thing that is helping me get through this is the fact that Harmony and my dad became very close due to the fact she helped take care of him when he was bedridden for almost 2 years and she helped get him back into good health again. He told her many times that he thanks God that she was there to help make him better and that she was an angel for doing it.

So that is where I am right now,  wandering aimlessly throughout the day and trying to cope with the heartache at night. I have to be strong for both my wife and my family, but, my wife and family has also been strong for me.

Together I think we will get through all of this, but, that does not make the pain, heartache, loneliness and depression any better. A friend of mine asked me the other day if I could bring dad back would I, my reply was no if it meant that he would be in the pain he was in.

I guess I am just rambling on, but, I had to get some of these emotions out of me... the more I can talk about it, the easier it is to cope.

Thank you for letting me ramble.


My friend Kevin is a newlywed. His bride Esther, is 20 years younger, rather shapely, and here on a green card. She’s a Phlipina.

Now I have nothing against Kevin marrying whomever he will. First of all, it’s his life, not mine. Esther is charming and pretty, if 20 years younger than he. Nor did he marry her because he wants a subservient wifey. Most men who seek foreign brides are seeking a 'housekeeper with benefits". Not Kevin. While his parents have a patriarchal relationship, the women he likes most are the smart, independent type. And I can understand his frustration with ‘American women' even though I don’t share it. After all I wasn’t engaged to a woman who neutered my dog as an act of psychic revenge.

But now he wants to fix me up. The woman in question is petite, curvy, and young enough to be my daughter. According to Esther “She's a simple girl” which seems a philipina phrase used whenever you want to evade a question.

Not that I asked. This is all Kevin's idea. He seems to think that mail order husbandry will help us bond. He volunteered considerable advice on charming a lovely Filipino lady, including that the lady would not be interested in my ideas, politics or possessions. Flowers and flattery are key, just like in the good old days.

Now, even if my primary dating objective were a nice ass that whole description would put me out. I like talking about real things, and cannot imagine spending my life with someone when I'm supposed to dumb it down at home.

The problem is how do you marry someone you never really got to date?

Okay, you can talk on the telephone and exchange letters. And by law a couple must prove they met overseas before the green card comes through. But do you really know if she squeezes her toothpaste from the middle of the tube? Does she really know what your underwear looks like at the end of a long day of work?

I have considered such dating, not with a mail order bride, but women I have met on the net. I had a brief, and very enjoyable affair with one lady when she and I were both recovering from failed relationships. But two weekends of blow-out sex and chat do not a marriage make. Yet people often pick up stakes and move on that basis alone.

I wish Kevin well. Esther is young enough to bear him children, and I know how much he craves them. I’m sure Esther's a good woman and they have a chance. But I see marriage as far too serious to do by mail.

One of the most anticipated films this holiday season...

Twentieth Century Fox Films presents this John Singleton film about winning and defeat, passion and reverence, and all out war!. Coming in December to theaters everywhere is a story about epic conquest and defeat.

This Christmas...

VIN DIESEL is Napoleon in...

A Bone Aparte!

From his obscure Corsican origins to his monumental victories in Italy that won all the hearts in France.

("I will be King of the World!" yells Vin Diesel as Napoleon as he charges his troops forward in a huge, mostly CGI battlefield.)

But he is a conqueror in bed as well as the battle field!Also starring Angelina Jolie as Josephine Beauharnais!

("Wait for me as I defeat Spain!" yells Vin to Angelina as they are sillouetted against a setting sun. "I will not wait forever!" Angelina gasps back).

(Operatic music accompanies battle scene after battle scene with plenty of guns, canons, and sword play. Sequence ends with Vin Diesel raising a sword and bellowing a battle cry as he, in slow motion, gallops toward the screen.)

("Do not go to Waterloo!" Angelina Jolie implores Vin Diesel. "It is all I have left," he whispers back to her.)



and STANLEY TUCCI as Joseph Bonaparte



Attica! Attica!

My grandma is crazy and reluctantly in the nursing home for psychiatric supervision. She walks with a walker she doesn't usually need and she still has good upper body strength. This will be important later in the story.

Today was an unusually bad day for grandma. She decided after noon that she wanted to leave the nursing home and go up to the dollar store. She wants to do that every day, but, this time, she was adamant. She called up my mom (her daughter-in-law) and told her to come bust her out. Mom said she had to be to work in five minutes, so it was too short of notice. Grandma started swearing a shitload and said she may as well be dead instead of having to deal with "you people". And by "you people" she means us bastard relatives who can't leave work to be her taxi service.

So she was in a bad mood and went to the dining hall to sulk. They were setting up the Monday afternoon bingo. Joan the really nice bingo volunteer starts calling numbers, and grandma starts swearing at her to quit talking so fucking much and then lets loose a string of expletitives and accusations at her that would make a sailor blush. This starts a chain reaction of other old people remembering things that also piss them off, and they start complaining. "You always kick me under the table." "You always chew with your mouth open." "The food here is terrible." "That nurse is ugly." Etcetera.

The head nurse comes in with some orderlies to try to calm them down. My grandma, in her feeling-vindicated state, picks up her walker and hurls it at the head nurse, and shouts "Shut up you red-headed slut!"

They may be upping her psychiatric meds soon. Ah, well. The orderlies thought it was great.

(Maybe she's just upset because it's the 41st anniversary of the Kennedy assassination.)
We roll along - shifting between 3rd and 4th, for those of us who do that. We wait, in a long line polluting, patiently ignoring each other. We're all in the same boat.

Suddenly, the thing holding us up breaks and I can flip it into 5th and cruise fast - I'm free! I fly down the highway. The music is loud. The best tracks of the latest Linkin Park, #6 and #9 play over and over again. They always sound good.

I turn off the highway and wait for the light to change. I roll down the road to the office. The grey building itself looks tired - like it didn't want to put the lights on this morning. I turn down the music and listen for a second longer. After a while, I pull out my security pass and open the door.

Given another month, things have become increasingly precarious. For one, I am on the verge of failing one class and having two other classes passed with marginal grades. Low marks are not a good thing at all, but I just don't seem to care all that much. My math class is still the bugger. But much more interesting things have been going on than that stupid thing.

There seems to be a thing about me that many don't understand: I surround myself with women, am straight, and yet I never have a girlfriend. A close friend pointed this out. We've known each other for a little over two years now and in the time since I have met her, I had a, 'girlfriend,' for all of two weeks. I really don't understand it myself, either. I'm lonely enough that one would think I would attempt to get a girlfriend, yet I don't. I don't understand why I don't, but I just don't. Maybe it has been all the advice to never get involved with a girl I'd have to spend a certain set amount of time around doing routines or not to get involved with a girl in the same dorm. Maybe it's that every woman I've met and come to need, I am too afraid of pushing away by asking if they would consider a relationship. Maybe I just need to divorce myself from the friendship thing. I have friends, but the women are so amazingly supportive and nice to me, that to lose even one of them would be a tragedy. I don't even know.

I learned one of those confusing idiosyncracies of college freshmen: The expectance that out late = getting laid. The first time, a month ago, I arrived late to watch Clerks with Megan and Ben. Late late. I was supposed to be there at 9PM and I arrived at 2AM. The first words out of Megan's mouth, "So, how was it?" I was completely confused until they explained that they expected me to be getting laid because I was so late. However, I was simply enjoying brews and burgers. Disappointment was mutual. A couple weeks following that, I was working on The Ridge with a friend on a math test. Megan, again, was the instigator. She had called and heard said friend giggling in the background due to the, "Please excuse me, my pants are ringing, I should answer them," joke I had made a moment earlier. I arrive, about midnight, to the Haven and visit the neighboring stack's television lounge. A whole room of people gave me an expectant look and their leader, Patrick, says, "So, what've you been up to?" I walk out, knowing exactly what he was meaning. Then, the same friend who was the subject of the second incident implied the same when I mentioned I had spent time over at a friend's place till 2 in the morning a few days prior. I am a virgin. I'm getting over it. I shall be thankful, thank you very much, when Thanksgiving rolls around.

Last week was very interesting. I was flooded, the whole week, with hormones, emotions and impulses. Sure, I get my normal testosterone and impulses, but that was nearly impossible to deal with. Every emotion, ranging from bliss to depression to anger, filled each day. Every impulse, violent, sexual, or otherwise, impaired my ability to focus. Thankfully, it has ended. I'm curious as to what might have caused this, but at the same time, I don't much think it will happen any time soon again.

Thanksgiving is a mere few days off. I'm heading south a hundred miles to a little more mild weather for the better part of the week. Of all the things I am grateful for immediately, the two that stand out are 1) Grilled cheese sandwiches will NOT be on the menu at home, EVER AGAIN! and 2) spending time with a very good friend of mine and many even better friends.

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