In the past year or so I’ve become aware of a certain subset of human being. You've probably seen them, screaming at loved ones in public, standing defiantly and using motions gleaned from TV and movies, carefully practiced and stored internally until needed. People like this are convinced that life must play out like your standard television hour-long drama. Their lives are so fucking empty that they cannot live without constant turmoil to occupy them. If there isn’t any turmoil they’ll make it up, causing arguments and making accusations randomly in order to give their existence worth.

Perhaps I've simply been around the wrong people, but I see this almost daily. It makes me ill to think that millions will go through life constantly attempting to emulate what's on television. Ally McBeal is NOT real life! As much as you would like your days to be fraught with drama, sex, humor, and serious problems that are easily solved within an hour and broken up by regular product endorsements, it ain’t gonna happen! People like you make my teeth try to migrate around to the back of my head in an attempt to eat my brain. You’ve been brainwashed, you’ve lost the ability to perceive correctly. Breathe, think a moment, go lie down, and when you wake up live a normal fucking life, not one prescribed by television.

For posterity and in the name of science I offer an example: My girlfriends roommate could not live without constant drama and turmoil swirling around her. She would argue about anything, taking a contrary position even if said position went against all rational laws of life and science, and common sense. Her friends called her "joyless," and on several occasions they made a joke or said something with improper inflection which caused this girl to yell at them: telling them what horrible people they were, run into her room and slam the door. The friends then had to go through the chore of coaxing her back out again by apologizing for an hour or so. She was even worse to her boyfriend; driving him crazy by analyzing everything he did, whipping it up in her head, and spewing back accusations that made absolutely no sense. Example:
Her: You didn’t say hello to me the other day when I came to visit you.
Him: I'm sorry, but I has helping a customer. Besides I didn’t even see you until you said "hi"
Her:(out-of-the-blue angry) But you didn't even acknowledge me!
Him:(confused) I was working with a customer and I had my back to you. I didn’t even see you!
Her:(extremely angry, yelling) But you didn’t even say hi!!!
Him:(very confused) I didn’t see you!
And on and on and on. Every night she would be on the phone for hours to friends, telling them all the things that happened in her day and crying. It was stuff like this that eventually drove him away. Shortly after they broke up he moved to another city. I hated to see him go, as he was a real nice guy and deserved better.

Remember my earlier point about disagreeing with everything, even if she didn’t really feel that way? Example: My girlfriend wanted to give an extra key to the apartment to her parents in case of an emergency. But this woman "didn't feel comfortable" (her favorite phrase, used very frequently) with my girlfriend's parents having a key. Her counter-suggestion was to leave a key hidden somewhere on the outside of the house instead. She never offered a rationalization for this, and to this day I think she said it just to have an argument. We lived in the city at the time, and I would rather my girlfriend’s parents have a key rather than leave it outside for every thief and rapist to find. What's really ironic is that this roommate was deathly afraid of crime.

Here's another example even more petty: while watching TV I see a commercial that I enjoy (the Kellogg’s corn flakes one with the violent chicken). When I chuckle the roomate asks why. I tell her I like the commercial and think it's funny, and she responds very curtly "Well I don’t!," and then proceeds to explain to me why she feels this commercial is wrong and awful and should be taken off the airwaves. I sit there flabbergasted, and leave soon after she finishes with a huff. I swear I am not making this up.

I seem to have strayed from the point. This woman was very wrapped up in media. She read Glamour religiously (Seven signs he’s not right for YOU) and went so far as to regularly tape re-runs of Judge Judy. She loved any "reality" based TV program, and felt that her life should be as jam packed with happenings as the whining, petulant, corporate creations of The Real World. Since my girlfriend moved out, she has the television all to herself; I'm sure she hasn’t missed one episode of Temptation Island.

I fail to understand what purpose a life such as this serves. Why would anyone want to live like this? Personally, I like it when my life is a bit sedentary. I enjoy stability and the ability to relax without having things jump up and bite me on the ass. I watched this girl for nearly a year, and I believe that she is slowly falling into this life. When she started she was simply manipulative, but now I think she’s gone too far and now truly believes that life must be this way or its not worth living. She—along with all others like her—have no idea how much anger, hurt, and pain they've caused. I'm just happy that I no longer have to live with her.

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