I miss my dad
As many of you know my father passed away on November 12, 2004.
He had been in poor health and had to undergo many surgeries throughout the last
4 years for various reasons.
I was brought up in a Christian household, we would attend
church faithfully every week. My parents both held a variety of positions in our
church. They always taught us that we would go to heaven if we maintained a
certain way of life.
I am glad that my father is no longer suffering the horrible pain that he was in, no longer crying out in pain and in hunger. However, that
does not make it any easier knowing that he is gone. I thought I had this under
control, thought I could just accept the fact that my father is in heaven and be
happy for him. I am happy for him do not get me wrong, but, I feel so empty inside right now. I can not sleep at all, I have only slept about 1 hour a day
since his passing. I lay awake at night when everybody else is asleep, crying
out for my father.
The night of his funeral I was sitting in my bedroom crying and
saying "if I only had one more chance to see him, to hug him, to tell him just
once more that I love him, then maybe I would feel better". Then I remembered
that I had that one more chance and did not take it. My wife and I had
visited dad in the hospital that day and had to leave early to go run some
errands. On the way home Harmony said "lets go see dad once more before we go
home", I said "no I am tired and just want to go home, we will see him tomorrow". This led me to go into a meltdown I guess you could call it. It hit
me so hard that I did not and still don't know what to do about it, all I could
do is sit and bawl like a little baby.
The one saving grace in all of this is the fact that when my dad
was awake one day in the ICU I took the opportunity to tell him that I love him and that I could not have
hand picked a better father. I know this made him feel
good because as a parent myself, I know I would love to hear that from my
children someday.
Another thing that is helping me get through this is the fact
that Harmony and my dad became very close due to the fact she helped take care
of him when he was bedridden for almost 2 years and she helped get him back into
good health again. He told her many times that he thanks God that she was there
to help make him better and that she was an angel for doing it.
So that is where I am right now, wandering aimlessly throughout the day and trying to cope with the heartache at night. I have to be
strong for both my wife and my family, but, my wife and family has also been
strong for me.
Together I think we will get through all of this, but, that does
not make the pain, heartache, loneliness and depression any better. A friend of
mine asked me the other day if I could bring dad back would I, my reply was no
if it meant that he would be in the pain he was in.
I guess I am just rambling on, but, I had to get some of these
emotions out of me... the more I can talk about it, the easier it is to cope.
Thank you for letting me ramble.
Dawggy