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I'm a Sleep hater. I hate Sleep. I can't stand it. It is 6:50 AM here in sunny California, and I'm still up avoiding Sleep like the plague. I wish Sleep would go away and leave me alone. Unlike racism or sexism, I believe I'm perfectly justified in my sleepism. Some may say that I'm not with the times, and that I'm committing grave moral sins by preaching my sleepism, but they are all wrong. My Anti-Sleep beliefs are based on the following facts:

1. Studies have shown, that most humans sleep around 8 hours a day. 8 hours? 8 friggin hours? That's 33.33333333% of my whole day! By not sleeping, I immediately get a 50% increase in my day-time hours!

2. Even when I give in and let Sleep steal away 2, 3, or (heaven forbid) 4 hours of my precious time, I still wake up groggy and disoriented. Many times, I wake up feeling worse off than I did when I went to bed. Thus, I conclude that Sleep is a parasite, a health risk, and should be avoided at all costs.

3. We have no place for Sleep in our schools. We need to protect our children from this feeding parasite. We need to know how, where, and when Sleep attacks it's victims, and come up with lasting solutions to either destroy sleep, or at the very least, be able to evade it indefinately.

4. Our feet should be planted firmly in reality. When Sleep invades our bodies, we become delirious and often go on what is very similar to mind-altering drug-induced "trip". This must stop at all costs. We don't want our children to get addicted to sleep, and it's dream-like side effects. If I can save only one child from ever experiencing a nightmare, my life will not have been for naught. I suggest the government sponser a fullout ad campaign and educate the American people on the effects and dangers of Sleep.

5. When people trip on this "Sleep", they become utterly defenseless and oblivious to the world. The sleep addict then cannot defend themselves from attackers, thiefs, or invading martians. I believe that sleep should be considered a threat to our national security, and steps should be taken immediately to insure that a breach in our national security does not happen. Just as every American has the right to bear arms and protect them and their families from danger, the government should also make it a right for the American people to avoid sleep.

Right now, the best weapon we have against the vile Sleep is caffeine. This highly effective substance is the only means by which we can combat Sleep. However, it seems this is only a temparary solution. Also, caffeine in high enough doses have also been recorded as being lethal, resulting in death.

(Death, by the way, is only the final stage in giving into Sleep's grasp.)

I believe that we should immediately fund research to find a permament cure for Sleep. I hope that advances in the field of genetic engineering might occur that will allow us to genetically engineer our immune systems to help aid it in it's continuous battle against Sleep. Perhaps we can engineer the immune system to continuously produce a permament stream of caffiene in our blood streem. Someday, I hope that all people, big and small, will be able to fight Sleep off completely, and that Sleep will go the way of the Small Pox and Polio diseases.

I hope that my plea will be heard, and that it will make some sense to the general public, as I have been fighting Sleep off for many many hours now and I am tired from the battle. I... must... not... give... in...

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