Hereafter referred to by "TLPCM."

The machine was received with much trepidation on the part of the French people. President Stevens of America claimed he was "merely trying to repay the great gift given to us by the French" referring to the Statue of Liberty. It should have been obvious to the French authorities that the device was certainly of no beneficial nature. The fact that it was being given to them by the same man who pushed through a bill in congress to give funding to his "Pave America" project should have been evidence enough.

There was much fanfare the day of its arrival. Supported by a cargo ship the size of two aircraft carriers it landed on the coast and disembarked its cargo. It was later noted that the American ship left the beach with great haste.

Standing at least 200 stories high and as many wide it truly was something to behold. "It was made by the Americans" the people gathered said, as though to explain its size. The usual pleasantries associated with receiving a gift were performed by various appropriate government officials and then came the time to turn it on.

The French president was guided to a control panel with a large red button. The band struck up full force trumpeting the sounds of the French national anthem. At the climax of the piece the president pushed the button needing the force of both his hands. Nothing first....

The American dignitaries standing by slowly put in ear plugs and smirked to themselves. There came a low rumbling emitting from the machine. A rumbling so low that some found their bowels evacuated for them simply from the sonic force being pushed through the air. One million candle power lights came out of the surface all over the machine and started circling like giant police car lights. The 40 story LCD screen mounted on the front lit up with a fury unknown to any but the stars themselves. It was then that the machine started rolling forward. It ground forward unmercifully crushing those officials still standing near its base. Then the counting began. The advanced gender identification technology used in the construction of the machine whirred into action using the most advanced of technologies to detect any penises around the machine. Once detected a message was sent to the penile counting system computer which would record said penis. While all this happened on the inside those on the outside who weren't blinded by the rotating lights simply saw an enormous 1 appear on the 40 story LCD screen. Followed shortly thereafter by the word "ONE" booming from speakers all over the machine. The sound was so loud that all present immediately had their ear drums shattered, if they weren't killed outright. This was shortly followed by an equally booming "TWO". The machine has yet to stop counting to this day.

It was only in the months after the machine was turned on that its full capability became apparent. The machine moved at an agonizing speed of approximately 23 feet per hour. This figure is impressive when the size of the TLPCM is considered. However, it acts mostly as an agent of fear. The machine is guided by a random number generator which will at seemingly meaningless times completely change the direction of travel the machine is taking. For the person whose house the machine is thundering towards this is their only hope of salvation from annihilation. At 23 feet per hour, this gives the person a long time to consider running or taking the chance of staying in place. To date nothing has stopped the machine's relentless push forward. The military exhausted every option available. Every munition was tried, every fortification, every earthwork attempted. Every attempt failed. The best that could be achieved was a momentary lapse in the machine's endless grinding forward.

Ignoring the cost in buildings and lives the machine destroys in its wake, it is interesting to note the trail of material left behind. While the U.S. government under, now emperor, Stevens is unwilling to divulge the exact mechanics behind the machine the trail of spent nuclear material it leaves behind gives a clear indication of a nuclear power generator being housed inside. The machine also leaves behind a forest of trees made from cigarettes, the tops of which are lit, wherever it passes. The billowing clouds of tobacco smoke and radiation from the waste make for a trail of uninhabitable land left in its wake. A swath of destruction criss-crossing and meandering across the French countryside with seeming reckless abandon.

The machine is also growing. Every bit of metal it passes over is consumed by the machine and manufactured into more armor which attaches itself to the outside of the machine. Our weapons are useless.

The toll the machine has taken on the french people has been immense. It gives off enough light to make the darkest of nights seem noon on a clear day for miles around it. The count of the machine can be heard for miles as well. What was once a number every few minutes has turned into a near endless stream of deafening noise as the machine extols larger and larger numbers:


Most of France has been abandoned save for those few who refused to leave. The rest of Europe hunkers in the shadow of the Leviathan Penile Counting Machine, fearing the day it will randomly turn and drive its self into another country.

In these times of peril most find themselves fearing for a future which cannot be stopped, nor can be predicted.

The Leviathan Penile Counting Machine could simply be cast aside as a mad mans desire to see the world destroyed. But why would Emperor Stevens choose to do so in such an inefficient way? Surely a man who can cover the entire expanse of his land with concrete could devise of a better way to destroy the world. One could argue that the destruction wrought by the machine is simply a by product of its true purpose; the counting of penises. But then one must ask, for what purpose is it counting them? If man fears what he does not know, then this device is truly horrific. It destroys so that it may fulfill its purpose in life, a purpose that has no reason...


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