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I was eighty four years old last week. This anniversary stimulated me to make some conjectures about my sex life. When, if ever, will my need to relate to the opposite sex cease? Never, I hope.

Homosexuality is not for me. At times in my life, girls and women have approached me with sexual intent. My rejections were kindly, but sincere. I need men in my life! I do not need to go to bed with them, but the chemistry that sometimes flows between men and women is an important part of my life. Far Eastern philosophy understands my need. They call it the Yin and the Yang. The two flow together to make a whole and one is not complete without the other.

Chemistry alone can be dangerous. A certain physical type of man really turns me on. He must be tall, dark haired and slender. Currently there are two men in my life who create flutter bugs in my system whenever they come near. Though they do not cross my path often, I love the feelings they engender. I react so much I have difficulty controlling my response lest I embarrass them and myself. I do not seek these men out. The feeling is purely chemical. This would not solve the deeper need I have to relate to men to be a whole person.

As a young person I was afraid of sex. I realize now that I married the man I did because he did not threaten me with his sexuality. Although he performed regularly without the need of Viagra, he needed a mother more than he did a wife. If he had grown up in today’s society, he could have been gay. He was a wonderful person and we had a good life together until our first child was born. With this event, my sexuality awoke and I found a tiger in my tank.

At first I tried to stimulate greater action from my husband. When that failed, I tried adultery. When I found that was wrong, I yearned for death for about ten years before I woke up and looked around for different ways to produce the Yang for my Yin.

I found several men in succession who responded to my chemistry. The sailing years were helpful in this respect. One of the sailors had his boat slipped next to ours. He was in the process of splitting his marriage and actually lived on his boat during the transition. We spent lovely evening hours each sitting on the deck of our own boat and exchanging serious conversation. He was well known among the Tartan sailors for taking lady friends out “skate hunting” with a bow and arrow. We each had VHF radios on our boats and one time he found where we were anchored to celebrate the birthday of one of my grandsons. He joined us in the celebration and I loved every moment of it.

I was well content with such arrangements, but, alas, they had to end. I skippered Aquarius on a race one time. He invited me over to his boat during happy hour after the race. As usual there were several people on his boat. During the course of conversation, he invited me to use his sewing machine he had in his apartment to mend a sail. By then he had settled in an apartment in Annapolis. Of course I did not go. I had learned the hard way that extra-marital intercourse was not for me.

I was ill prepared for what happened to our relationship after that. The next time we had a Tartan raft-up he deliberately sailed straight past our boat and anchored as far away from us as he could! I realized before the evening ended that he was angry with me because I had not accepted his invitation. Well, that made me mad! I had nothing to do with him for the rest of the weekend.

This was not my only “affair.” I needed a succession of men because eventually they realized my goal was not bed. I just needed to be around them from time to time to feel the vibes. When they realized this, they drifted away and I would have to seek another victim. I did not feel guilty about this. They got a lot of vibes from me to spice their lives as well. If they could have only understood, the relationship could have been as valuable to them as it was to me.

When I was teaching one relationship went very deep. I had a student whom I believed was on the verge of suicide. I believe now that this student was a reincarnation of my brother who committed suicide. Through the deep involvement that developed between us I was able to prevent him from doing the same.

Just having a man in my life to bounce chemicals off is still important to me. It is quite difficult, though, because few men who enter my life have the proper chemistry. I prefer duplicate bridge because my rubber bridge friends are all women. At least there are men around duplicate. I do have a good male friend as a regular partner but he is not a Yang. I shall continue to seek, however. If I stop I will be admitting I am dead. In my case I am not a full Yin without a Yang.

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