A List of Things Not To Do When You're On Your Way To Determining The Inevitable Course Of Events That Will Lead To Your Success Or Failure In Life (as if college were that important...)

1. Do not (and I've tried this myself so I know, ok?) refer to your professor as 'Woogie' 'Lare Bear' 'Professor Keen Bean' 'Buh' 'MonkeyButt' or 'Steviekins' (that is, unless they politely ask you to call them 'Steviekins' in which case I'd suggest you get the hell out of the room)

2. In Bio Classes (or pre-med classes especially), never attack something you're supposed to be studying. Screaming 'Ack! It bit me!' is also a big no-no.

a) 'Eating' things that are supposed to be 'dissected' is frowned upon.

b) Using cadavers as hand puppets is frowned upon.

I. Using cadavers as hand puppets is more difficult than it is worth (Trust me. *Wink*)

c) When 'they' ask you to not wear dangling jewelry when taking apart small animals (or large ones for that matter), trust 'them'. There's hardly anything more embarrasing than having to fish around inside of a corpse for the ring you were given as an infant that you've been wearing as a cock ring.

I. I will not go into detail on how that ring ended up in that cadaver.

3. Do not start a fight with your professor, no matter how much he's asking for it.

Addendum to 3: If he's really, really asking for it, it's okay. Just remember that your gpa may suffer because of it.

2nd Addendum to 3: If your professor is instructing you in any sort of martial art, let him start fights (Your French prof may be asking for it, and sure, you could smack him around a little, but you never want to piss off the guy who teaches a course titled 'Advanced Removal of Major Organs - Barehanded')

4. Do not ask your professor if he/she would like to dance during a lecture, especially if that professor is the same gender as yourself.

Addendum to 4: Also, never do this on the day that you forgot to wear pants to school.

5. Never ask an English teacher if a metric version of the language is due sometime soon. 10 letters would be easier to remember of course, but this rule kind of falls under rule 3 as well.

6. Good luck charms should be easy to hold onto. Nothing disrupts class more than a couple of lucky rubber balls that have gone missing. When there's fifteen minutes left in a timed essay, and someone's agonizing scream of "Ack! Could someone help me find my balls?" floats morosely across the room, you can rest assured that your good luck charms are secured onto your person.

7. If you're stressing over finals, heed these words: Creating a hostage situation does not relieve stress.

8. Do not start a 'Fight Club' unless you're the brawniest motherfucker you've ever met.

Addendum to 8: Do not join a 'Fight Club', it was quite possibly started by the brawniest motherfucker you've ever met.

2nd Addendum to 8: Do not trash the movie 'Fight Club', you'll probably meet the brawniest motherfucker you've ever met.

And he liked it.

9. Do not put lots of pictures of your mom all over your walls. Unless you live by yourself. And never plan on getting sex.

Addendum to 9: This rule applies to everyone in your family. No plastering the wall with any single person who is a member of your immediate family. People like photo albums. I hope you do too. Sicko.

10. One word that will, without fail, ruin you as a student. Monkeypants.

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