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What is better than sex?

 -- Running your hands under warm water after working outside on a cold day.

 -- Chocolate, obviously.

 -- Running your hands under cold water after working outside on a hot day.

 -- Reading by warm lamplight.

 -- Being alone for once.

 -- The feel of cool green grass under your toes, on a lawn that finally belongs to you alone.

 -- Knowing that you're doing much better than that jerk.

 -- Erasing your hated Ex's contact info from your phone.

 -- Discarding the furniture that you bought together.

 -- Buying a nice new wardrobe for yourself.

 -- Telling your ex's friends and relatives that you don't know where your ex is.

 -- Escaping the suspicion of the police even after they question you.

 -- Planting a rose bush over the newly-tilled earth.

 -- Having the covers all to yourself.

 -- Having the kitchen all to yourself so nobody notices what you're washing off your hands.

 -- Having the bathroom all to yourself so you can wash out some of the more stubborn stains without bothering anyone.

 -- Having a furnace to get rid of the clothing that has stains that just won't come out.

 -- The stains aren't coming off my hands though.

 -- Having the freezer all to yourself so nobody notices what you're putting in there.

 -- For some reason the stains still aren't coming off my hands.

 -- Having a hallway that doesn't have a vaguely human-shaped apparition in it every other night. I wish I had that.

 -- None of the stains have washed out of my clothing either.

 -- Having a bed that doesn't get the covers yanked off it every night by unseen hands. It's getting kind of annoying.

 -- Marrying again.

 -- Having a new spouse who can deal with a vaguely human-shaped apparition in the hall without screaming, thank you very much.

 -- Figuring out how to explain the stains on your hands.

 -- Having a sink that turns on when you turn the faucet.

 -- Having a furnace with fuel that actually lights.

 -- Having a hot water heater that actually heats water.

 -- Having lamps that actually turn on.

 -- Having a freezer that stays cold.

 -- Having a rose bush that actually grows.

 -- Having a spouse who doesn't keep asking why your hands look bloodstained.

 -- Having a spouse who isn't curious.

 -- Having a spouse who doesn't go and dig under the rose bush.

 -- Having a cell mate who doesn't ask about the bloodstains on your hands.

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