What is better than sex?
-- Running your hands under warm water after working outside on a cold day.
-- Chocolate, obviously.
-- Running your hands under cold water after working outside on a hot day.
-- Reading by warm lamplight.
-- Being alone for once.
-- The feel of cool green grass under your toes, on a lawn that finally belongs to you alone.
-- Knowing that you're doing much better than that jerk.
-- Erasing your hated Ex's contact info from your phone.
-- Discarding the furniture that you bought together.
-- Buying a nice new wardrobe for yourself.
-- Telling your ex's friends and relatives that you don't know where your ex is.
-- Escaping the suspicion of the police even after they question you.
-- Planting a rose bush over the newly-tilled earth.
-- Having the covers all to yourself.
-- Having the kitchen all to yourself so nobody notices what you're washing off your hands.
-- Having the bathroom all to yourself so you can wash out some of the more stubborn stains without bothering anyone.
-- Having a furnace to get rid of the clothing that has stains that just won't come out.
-- The stains aren't coming off my hands though.
-- Having the freezer all to yourself so nobody notices what you're putting in there.
-- For some reason the stains still aren't coming off my hands.
-- Having a hallway that doesn't have a vaguely human-shaped apparition in it every other night. I wish I had that.
-- None of the stains have washed out of my clothing either.
-- Having a bed that doesn't get the covers yanked off it every night by unseen hands. It's getting kind of annoying.
-- Marrying again.
-- Having a new spouse who can deal with a vaguely human-shaped apparition in the hall without screaming, thank you very much.
-- Figuring out how to explain the stains on your hands.
-- Having a sink that turns on when you turn the faucet.
-- Having a furnace with fuel that actually lights.
-- Having a hot water heater that actually heats water.
-- Having lamps that actually turn on.
-- Having a freezer that stays cold.
-- Having a rose bush that actually grows.
-- Having a spouse who doesn't keep asking why your hands look bloodstained.
-- Having a spouse who isn't curious.
-- Having a spouse who doesn't go and dig under the rose bush.
-- Having a cell mate who doesn't ask about the bloodstains on your hands.