Whether you're a girl who just got a cute guy's phone number, or a guy who just got a cute girl's phone number, or a guy who just got a cute guy's phone number, or a girl who just got a cute girl's phone number, or a dragon who just got a cute virgin half-elf's phone number, one thing is certain. There are a number of things to consider before you call that cute girl or guy. Or.. whatever.

Let's paint the scene. It's late. You just came back from a social gathering of some kind like a bar hopping scene or a day laying siege upon the nearby village. Still in your mind's eye is a vision of loveliness. Either that or the hangover is kicking in early. You want to call this person. It's not too late you think. That other person is probably home by now. Oh, and by the way from this point on I'm going to write this from my limited heterosexual homophobic perspective because being politically correct is very hard on the keyboard. I'll assume you're male and the other person is female. Please feel free to mentally edit this to apply to your situation whatever it may be.

You sit on your bed. The phone is on the endtable. You're struggling with this dilemma. Do I call her? Do I not call her? What is the question? Perhaps you have been here before and it went well. Probably not. Perhaps you have never been in this situation before. Well let me tell you friend, there's a number of things you really need to consider before you pick up that phone.

  1. Did you get her number?: This may sound like an obvious one if you happen to have a piece of paper where you scribbled it clenched in your fist. However, you'd be surprised how many neglect this important step. Some guys hear the digits that the girl blurted out as she gracefully made an exit, and then they start repeating the number over and over in their head. Then their buddy comes buy talking about how he flunked his math test or how a car with the license plate 327-G81 left their lights on in the parking lot. And all hope is lost. Next time get her to write it down. Then don't lose the napkin or coaster on the way home. That's really important.
  2. Make sure you're sitting down: Before you even take the phone off the cradle, make sure you're on the bed or in a chair. Otherwise you'll be pacing back and forth or doing other silly things with your legs while talking to her. Things she can't see. Your body will be too busy trying to figure out what to do with your free limbs as you struggle to come up with words, and this is too much for a nervous brain to wrangle with. You wanna make sure your brain is focused on the task at hand which is to not sound like an idiot.
  3. Things to have with you: If you're sitting down you don't have to worry about what you're legs are doing but you'll need something to keep the rest of you busy. So be sure to have a pen and paper handy by the end table in case she says something you might want to remember for later like her other phone number which she only gives out to guys after she's talked to them over the phone and they don't sound like an idiot. It's also good for doodling which you want your free hand to do because it helps with getting the mind to grasp abstract concepts and communicate with your mouth. Unlike pacing back and forth, doodling has been scientifically proven to increase mental stability when talking to girls. It's also good to use when pretending to take notes while in class. You will also want to make sure you have a wastepaper basket nearby, or better yet a washable pail, because if you suddenly get so nervous you wanna vomit cuz the butterflies in your stomach turn into velociraptors and demand escape, you'll need to be ready.
  4. Check the time: Is it really a good idea to call at this hour? You've been out all night. So has she. You may have had a little to drink, and you don't want to call her sounding like an idiot. There's also the two day rule to consider. You don't want to sound desperate because that's worse than sounding stupid. Consider putting the phone number in a safe place where you will definitely find it in a day or two and call after you've had a chance to clear your head. She's not going anywhere. Well. Unless she just happens to be heading to the Bahamas for two weeks. Maybe you should call right now. Waiting could be risky.
  5. Figure out what you want to say: Usually the reason why you want to call her is because you'd like to see her again. Remember this point. It should be the guiding force that gets you through the call. Your mission is to set up a time and place that you know you can make, and you hope she can make too. You also want to get to know her better to see if she really is the kinda person who you can hang with. I mean she may look pretty but she might also be a psycho. This is why you have that handy pen and paper handy, besides the doodling. Make some quick notes of things you think would be safe to say or ask. Keep them brief. Start with How are you? then scratch that out and come up with something better. Try "Would you like to go out some time?" or "So tell me about yourself." Be confident with your own choice of words, but try to avoid asking her for sexual favors until at least the second date. For some reason a lot of women are turned off by that. There are some statements you definitely don't want to accidently say during this important conversation. Also try not to say too much about yourself. She might be interested in the same video games, television shows and comic books that you are. She might also think those things are the signs of an idiot. Don't worry about the note taking. She can't see you through the phone. However, as soon as the phone conversation is over be sure to destroy the paper you write on, because you don't want your friends to find it because they will blackmail you and haze you for it for weeks.
  6. Dialing: This is crucial. You don't want to dial the wrong number and get the chinese restaurant down the street because that'll put your nerves into a state of higgledy-piggledy. If you only have a rotary phone, go where there's touch tone dialing because you don't want to make this more difficult than it already is. Look at the buttons on the phone. Look at the phone number on the coaster or napkin. Try to keep the beads of sweat in your palms from smudging the numbers because then you won't be able to read them. Get every number right the first time. Take it slow. Breathe. Don't forget to breathe!
  7. Women ain't stupid: One time I had a girl give me her number. I went home and I called her. I got an automated message saying "This is not a working number. Please try your call again." Turned out she had a phone number memorized that she knew didn't work, just to get rid of geeks like me. So if this happens to you just smile knowingly to yourself and try to avoid the urge to slam your head against the nearest wall repeatedly.
  8. The Answering Machine is your friend: If you get the machine this is good. Don't choke here and hang up. This means you might be able to avoid this uncomfortable situation of being the first to call for a live one-on-one. You have a few seconds before it beeps to gather your strength. Glance at your notes, or just say this into the phone, "Hi. This is {say YOUR name and not what's written here} and it was great talking with you earlier. I thought I'd call and see if you wanna get together some time. My phone number is {say YOUR phone number here}. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye." Then hang up. That's all there is to it. Easy. Now the ball is in her court and she'll have to sweat awhile. Relax. Breathe deeply. Smile. Maybe go get a beer.
  9. She might be screening her calls: You might be halfway through the above and suddenly you hear some clicks and she says something and it's not her on the tape. For the unprepared, this can be the worst moment in any man's life since the time those bullies hung your underwear on the flagpole at school. Again. Don't choke. It's okay. You're prepared. You'll get through this.
  10. Don't hang up for the first five seconds: Here's the scenario. You call the number. It rings. She picks up. You hear "hello?" on the other line, and you immediately hang up. BAD FORM. Not the way to first base. It's simple physics. You must keep the line open so that she can hear you screaming. Uhm, er, I mean so she can hear your voice.
  11. Breathing techniques: Try to avoid the heavy breathing because she'll just think you're an idiot. Try to keep your mouth away from the mouthpiece when you must breathe. Be sure to have enough breath in your lungs to actually speak. Remember to enunciate. Women don't like it when the guy mumbles. Also remember to keep your mouth next to the mouthpiece when you are speaking or otherwise she can't hear you. If you pass out, it means you forgot to breathe.
  12. Talking is like tennis: Try to keep the ball in her court. Hopefully on that piece of paper you came up with phrases that would get her to talk about herself. If you didn't, just try to remember the phrase "So tell me about yourself," because that's a very safe and dependable, well-used phrase that never seems to get old. Go with what works. Most women like to talk about themselves, and if you can pretend to sound interested with occasional "uh-huh"s then you should be fine. Only take notes at this point if she says something that sounds like it's gonna come up again later, like how her father beat up her last boyfriend, or how she still has a boyfriend.
  13. Keep it kinda short: Remember your mission here. You wanna find out 1) if you really like her when you're not trying to avoid staring at her boobs, and 2) if there's a good time and place in the next few days when the two of you could get together for drinks or something. Once you've successfully accomplished both of those two goals, quit while you're ahead. Don't make a weak excuse because women can make out lame excuses over the phone. Just say "It was real nice talking with you. I gotta go."
  14. Don't sound like an idiot: If you find yourself unable to make coherent sounds beyond the five vowels, and she's repeatedly saying something like, "Hello? Who is this? I'm hanging up!" then it's a lost cause. You blew it. Your worst fears have been realized. But guess what? The world still spins and the sun still rises and sets. Whether you like it or not. Just hang up the phone, and give the number to your dog to eat. Move on and try to learn from this experience so that you're better prepared next time.
    NEW! -- These are added during or after May 13th, 2004. Suggested advice by people like you!
  • Jurph had a good thought. Consider the difference between yes and no questions and the kind that let the girl do most of the talking. As Jurph explains it, "yes or no questions are a dead end. This is already nerve-wracking, so other than 'would you like to get together?' and 'Is Friday okay with you?', you should stick to questions that will let her elaborate her answer.
If you have advice you'd like to add to this wu, please feel free to send me a msg and I'll slip it in if I can.

So in summation, here's the things to consider when calling up a girl. Make sure you have her number. Sit on your bed or a chair. The bed is preferable because if things go wrong you wanna be able to lie down quickly. Have paper and pen nearby in case she says something she thinks is important. Have a pail nearby in case you'll need to puke. Make sure this is a good time to call. Figure out what you want to say. Be sure to dial the number correctly. Realize that women are not stupid and this particular woman is probably smarter than you are even and especially if you have a Doctorate in Behavioral Sciences. Once you've dialed the number you can't back out. Stay in the zone. Answering Machines are not The Devil. Remember that breathing is necessary for your bodily functions to work properly during the duration of the phone call. Keep the ball in her court. Get her to talk about herself more than she gets you to talk about yourself. If she gets to say "so tell me about yourself" before you do, you could be screwed. Keep the conversation short. Remember your mission statement. Get in there. Get her to agree with you on a time and place to meet face to face. Get out. Real easy. Like buying gum at the convenience store. And most importantly, and I really can't stress this enough: don't sound like an idiot.

There. If you keep all fourteen or so of those things in mind you'll have a girlfriend in no time. Either that or your head will be in the pail. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. There's other fish in the sea. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Now. Go get'm Tiger!

"You think you helped him there, Zach?"

No way. That guy's hopeless.

More Things to Consider:

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