I've had to get into this dialogue more than a few times in my life
. Even now, the timing of this node will be questioned as to whether it applies to this person or that one. It's funny. Not too long ago I would have whined for this kind of attention, but sometimes I get the impression that people can be self-centered
with just about anything. They will always find a way to see themselves in something I write so that they can say, "Laura will never admit it, but she's talking about me
How many times have I even been guilty of that, of wanting to believe that this person was thinking, writing, painting, singing or speaking with me in mind, with me as the object of reflection? That need to know can suck the life out of you and you wonder where it comes from. Am I starving for attention? Do I have low self esteem? Do I worry too much about what other people think about me? Do I only exist if someone else notes my existence? Or could it be that I just really like this person and want them to like me back?
Some people are addictive. When you meet them, you want to be them, you want to have them all to yourself. But even lovers don't get this, so why would it be expected of friends? Well, it is a high school thing, a childish thing, to want people this way. There aren't many times in adult friendships where you're forced to pick sides, like when you had to be picked for dodgeball in gym in the 8th grade. People are usually bigger people than 8th graders, unless, of course, you break plans with one to spend time with another at the last minute; even I agree that's not a cool thing to do.
I think it's one of the things, aside from realistic planning, why I've never sought to write a book, since my first attempt would likely be about my life, since it's all I seem to be able to write about. And that all the people who got their grubby hands on the book, people I haven't spoken to in years, will call me up and put me on the stand as to whether this is what I really think of them. And it's not that I wouldn't tell them the truth. I am prepared, because of my personal site, to defend myself against anything I've said, if confronted. But just because I write it doesn't mean that having to defend it was my motivation for writing it, that I am always out looking for a confrontation. Sometimes, gee whiz, I just want to write about my life.
Not everything I write is about you, dammit, so stop looking so hard to find it there. And no, Mike this isn't directed to you, sheesh :P.