Last night I did one of the hardest things I have
ever done in my life. Off and on all day at work the tears flowed down my
cheeks as I told my friends what would happen. I knew that there was no
way I could make it through the night alone. I needed someone I would feel
safe letting go with, someone I could hold and ball my eyes out on, someone
who would hold me and not try to tell me everything was going to be ok.
Because it wasn't. I was about to loose a family member and
it would not be alright.
But my friends were not there... "please boys.. please... where
are you?" I sat and wished all my closest friends did't live in other
states. Why were the people I thought of first the people who couldn't be
with me? The friends whose arms I wanted to curl up and loose myself in
could not be there. And then hamster bong came. Through miles of wires and cable she came, and held me
in her leetle arms. And then I had my wuukiee. As the afternoon came I
saw jared and asked him if he would come. Yes he said. Yes, and he would
bring herbman. I told drunkenmonkey because I knew he and frasier had
formed a bond and he would want to see him one more time. ... I thought
I might be able to hold it together slightly until I called the vet... I
barely made it through the phone call. I wiped the tears from the little
table three times before I left the phone room.
When I came home from work dm was waiting. We went upstairs and let fraiser
lick us and bury his head in our laps. We gave him loving, and I tried to
let him know how much I cared. I was stressed and tired and headachey
from crying. I snapped at ebony when I shouldn't have...
Frasier stared chewing on a rawhide bone and I layed down beside him.
Exhausted, stressed, and just wanting to remember what it was like to lie
beside him I fell asleep waiting for the other boys.
They came and we leashed up frasier and took him for his last car ride.
There was some paperwork and they took him away. It was the Animal Rescue
League and they would do it for free but I couldn't let them. A dog like
frasier would be hard till the end. 140 Lbs. to carry to the freezer, 140
Lbs. to carry to the incinerator. 140 Lbs. of my child. I could not let
him go without letting them know I appreciated their acts. But, they couldn't
take my card, and I was to out of it to bring money or checks... The boys
opened their wallets and handed me cash.
I'm not sure how I handled the transaction... I remember falling into
herbman's arms and just bawling.
We made it home and I spent the next few hours curled up in herbman's
or jared's lap, or snuggled into jared's arms.
I cried a little more, but mostly I just held onto a leg or an arm and
held it close.
I would not have made it though that night without them. I would not
have been sane today. But, they held me, and cared for me. And by the end
of the night there was laughter and smiles.
I don't know how to say thank you for something like that. I don't know
how to show you how much your actions meant to me. Thank you for holding
me. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being there.
This morning I took my shower and came back to bed and curled up with
ebony. I told her I loved her. I told her I cared. I told her how much she
meant to me. And, I told her he wasn't coming back.
When we walked along the Riverway I discovered something amazing. I
discovered how easy, how relaxing, and playful, and enjoyable a walk with
your dog could be. I had no idea I had been carrying around so much stress,
and fear, and worry, constantly on the lookout for other people and dogs,
constantly looking ahead to see what trees I could put the leash around
in case another dog came. "Would there be space to move to the side
if a dog came now? Can I hold him back on this snow? What if a dog came
as I move over this ice?"
There was no pulling at my arm. There was no jerking to the side to
sniff something every ten feet. There was no straining at the end of the
leash. There was no constant need for corrections. There was only walking
with a friend.
Tonight I learned that I had missed out on the past three years of ebony's
life. I only saw them from afar. When I reached for her he would be jealous
and want all the attention. When I sat down he would make sure he was the
one beside me. And ebony, sweet ebony, would quietly walk away and lay down
on the bed.
Tonight we played. Tonight she smiled again. Tonight she pranced again.
Tonight I met my daughter again.