I've done technical support for a good chunk of my life, and I've begun to see some trends in the type of people who require technical support. Keep in mind that the majority of my tech support career has been for ISPs. In any case, here are my observations.
Mumblers
They
mumble. I think some of these people actually
have the telephone between their
teeth while they're
talking. This also includes the sub-category
Eaters,
who love to
chomp,
chew,
swallow, and
gargle while
they're talking to you, and the
Foreigners, who don't speak a lick
of English and expect you to help them re-configure their foreign-language version of Windows.
Apologizers
I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm
sorry. My computer is
slow. I'm
computer illiterate. I'm typing one-handed.
My fingers are all broken and I'm typing with my toes.
Really, we don't care. As long as you do what we say,
we don't care how long it takes. Now shut up, because you're
ruining my
call averages.
TriggerFingers
They click on EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter where you
tell them to go, they click on something else. They
end up in the
obscure depths of their operating
system, and can't get out. Just... let... go... of...
the... mouse... ma'am...
Explainers
It takes hours to get through calls from these
people. They like to explain the problem in
explicit
detail, and won't shut up, even after you've fixed
their problem. These people love to read off ENTIRE
error messages, including
cryptic error codes that
don't mean a thing to anybody. And ooooh, MAN do they get mad
when you interrupt them!
Know-It-Alls
Out of all caller categories, these are probably the
ones we hate the most. They THINK they know more than
you. People don't understand that we've done what
they're trying to do HUNDEREDS of times, and they're
doing it ONCE. That makes us the experts. Just because
you know some obscure fact about computers doesn't
mean you know everything. This is our job, don't tell
us how to do it. And don't question what we ask you to
do. If we tell you that Fdisk will fix your problems,
then dammit,
FDISK!
The Nerds
People from this category often exibit the same traits as
the Know-It-Alls. Unlike the Know-It-Alls, these guys actually know
what they're talking about. Usually they know more
than we do. Everything would be okay, except that they
never have normal problems. They've already gotten
everything working fine, and now they want to know how
to exploit their service. "Yes, I'm trying to hook up
a peer-to-peer connection so that I may turn on my
next door neighbor's
toaster in the middle of the
night. Can you help me?"
Multiple Personality
These people are very sweet and do what you say and
are generally nice
customers. There's one catch,
though. They have
kids, or a
signifigant other, or a
dog, and they YELL at them. Most of the time, they
forget to pull the
phone away from their faces before
they yell. This gets on our nerves very quickly.
Rednecks
"Uh, I'm tryin' to hook my 'puter up to my hog, and
it just ain't workin!" We find these people funny.
Especially when they tell us that "
the internet
broke". Amazingly enough, this category often overlaps with
The Nerds. The only difference is that The Nerds are trying to
do these things on purpose.
The Psychos
We never really figure out what causes these people's
problems. We just listen to them yell. Usually their
problems involve
fire,
electricity, and melting
things. These are the kind of people who download
viruses just to see what they'll do. Then they expect
us to fix it. Most of the time, they're either
drunk
or stoned while troubleshooting, which makes calls
very interesting and sometimes humorous.
The Oblivious
These are the people that go years without realizing
what the
right mouse button does. A techie friend has
set up their computer so they never have to see the
behind the scenes stuff, and when they finally see
all the settings, sub-menus, and
registry entries,
their brain collapses. It's usually best to not try to
explain what you're doing to these people, just say,
"because that's the way it needs to be -- it's
magic."
Most of the time, the Oblivious are more than happy
with this answer. Many of these calls degenerate into explanations of
"
How the Internet Works".
The Misled
I really do feel sorry for these callers. They've
been told something by a Know-It-All friend who calls
himself the local "
guru". In reality, that Know-It-All
knows NOTHING, and has given his friend very, very bad
information. People from this category often manifest themselves
in the form of
hysterical, crying women.
The Paranoid
They won't let you do
anything to their computer without a full explanation of why you're doing it, because
they think you're setting up
secret government software that lets you
spy on what they're doing on the internet. Most of these
people are just afraid you're going to find out about their 35 gigabyte
porn collection.
The Dependant
These are my personal most hated customers. They do business using their computer. When their software stops working or their internet connection ceases to function, their
fragile world comes tumbling down around them. These people have never called into tech support without shouting their lungs out. It's never
their fault that they didn't back up their hard drive. It's never
their fault that they don't have a second email address in case their first inbox gets corrupted. It's never
their fault that they forgot how to use a FAKKING TELEPHONE. No. Of course not. It's always
our fault. If you're gonna depend on your computer, learn how to use the
damned thing.