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NOTHING!

Don't even think about it. You can't get anything for three cents. Sure, French Stewart and Terry Bradshaw can yammer on and on about how much you can get for a dollar, but I'll bet you a dollar that they can't name a thing you can get for three cents!

Here's an example. When I was a small lad, I was playing with my Legos when I heard the ice cream man coming down my street. I immediatly rushed over to my parents and asked them for some ice cream money. They said, "No, you'll spoil your dinner." This from the same parents who tried to think of something to make for dinner stoned out of their minds.

MY MOM: Uhhh, what are we having for dinner?

MY DAD: Uhhh, bananas.

MY MOM: Uhhhh, who's cooking?

MY DAD: Uhhhhhhhhhh, I dunno.

Anyways, I'm rambling. So failing that, I hurried back to my room and rummaged through my toybox looking for spare change. I remembered that I was able to find a whole nickel one time and I got a nice cherry lollipop. But this time all I could find was three cents. The ice cream man was rapidly approaching my street and as this was a particularly fast truck it was imparitive that I catch him before he disappeared for the day. So taking my three cents, I dashed out the door and waved at the ice cream man. He stopped his truck and exited his seat towards the candy rack, which featured many 80's candy fare such as Push Pops, Ring Pops, Hubba Bubba, Willy Wonka Dweebs, etc. I held out my three cents to the man and asked him:

ME: What can I get for three cents?

ICE CREAM MAN: Nothing, kid. Sorry.

And with that he sped off, stopping for some rich brats down the street who could've cleaned out the truck if they wanted to. I fucking hated those kids.

So that just goes to show you that you can search for all the bargains in the world, but you'll never find something for three cents. And if your grandfather tells you that in his day, three cents could buy a full-course steak dinner for two with change left over to catch a buggy ride home, tell him to take those lies and shove 'em up his ass because he's probably a decrepit old coot who doen't even remember what he had for lunch three minutes ago.

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