Once my family gave me 124 packets of varying types of condoms - flavoured, ribbed, ribbed and stripped, dotted, and patterned. Now I always knew my parents were cool in the gang with me having a typical teenager lifestyle, sex, drugs, random mood swings, etc etc but..

.........124 packets of condoms!?!?!

My first reaction was - "How loose does my family think I am????" Sure I've brought a few girls back to my bedroom and they've seen them, but if they think I'm going to get successively through even a small proportion of the 744 condoms anytime soon without dying in the process they're overestimating their cherished son's sexual prowess. Was I not coming up to their expectations or something??! Argh!

Explanation : Thankfully it was nothing so weird, very simply my dad had been renovating a pub, and they had to strip the pub toliets, and of course every pub toilet has a condom machine, you dig? So seeing as it'd be a waste to throw them all away, as it was going to be, he brings them home to me - I wish he brang the whole machine back, it would have been so cool to have a condom dispenser on my bedroom wall, that is as long as I could convince any potential girls not to run out of my room immediately.

Conclusions : Anyway, stuck with all these condoms, I do a thorough "testing" session with my "girlfriend". I even tasted the (unoccupied) flavoured ones personally to make sure I kept the nice tasting ones - which would be to my benefit later on obviously. ;o)

I kept the best ones, ribbed + dotted and chocolate + vanilla, and gave about two-thirds of the rest to all my friends, which is a minor weird thought that maybe I've saved or prevented some lives, like some weird sort of Family-Planning-cum*-Robin Hood dude (*pun intended, sorry).

Condoms don't make good water balloons in my experience either, they're too durable - as they should be i guess in retrospect - they just bounce off people!.

I never really liked the condoms which was a shame, they were too small, but they were fun and I'm hardly going to buy some when I still have tons shoved in every orifice of my life, wallet, bedroom, pockets etc etc.

Statistics? : I've used a lot over time, and only one of the bloody things broke for no reason. So I guess that could have been the 1% failure statistic in action.

"You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican" - Rimmer, in Red Dwarf.

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