display | more...

Once upon a time, God created a rose. A beautiful flower, with lush petals, long stems, and a dazzling variety of colors. And He deemed it good.

Then one day, the rose came home late to dinner, and God asked where it had been, and the rose was all like, "None of your business," and she ended up being grounded for a week, and it was not all that fun to be over at their place, what with all the doors slamming and the endless shrieks about being mature and you know the drill I'm sure.

And then God was going over His cell phone bill, and He saw a number He did not recognize, and decided He would find out who the rose had been talking to all night every night, so He dialed the number, and this guy came on! This total loser guy who was probably stoned right that moment! When the guy asked who was calling, God told Him exactly who was calling, and the guy kinda sobered up, and told God how great the rose was and how he promised to be really good to her, and then God hung up because He had heard all that shit before. God was mightily displeased.

And God went up to the rose's room and banged on it (reminding Himself to get that lock removed ay-sap) and then He just stopped and started yelling through the door that He will not stand for the rose to be hanging out with a "capital-L Loser" (a phrase He'd picked up from "The Hills"), and feeling better, He went off to bed.

The next morning God awoke and He went to apologize to the rose for being so harsh, and of course she was gone, and He called around to all her friends but they didn't know where she was, and the stoner guy wasn't answering. And He waited around all day, trying to keep Himself busy by cleaning the toilets and answering some prayers, and he was polishing up one of His high school cross-country trophies when the door opened, and He tried to be cool but ended up running to it anyway, and there she was.

And she had thorns. Like, ten of them. All over.

"You are sooo getting those removed, young lady," God said, and He pointed His finger at her - that had totally worked with Noah -, but she was not having any of it, she had already packed a bag, she was moving in with B-Ball, and she had just come back to get her toothbrush. And God, being the kind of Dad He is, just said, "Fine," and crossed His arms, and shut the door behind her, kicking Himself for ever inventing free will.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.