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Zap Rowsdower is one of the protagonists of the obscure movie The Final Sacrifice. Beyond being an unwitting hero, or even an unwilling hero, Rowsdower is a drunken oaf who accidentally gets roped into defeating the evil cult master Satoris before he can perform the titular final sacrifice.

After a thrilling chase scene, wherein the other protagonist, Troy McGreggor, outruns the cultists’ crappy pickup truck with his banana-seat bicycle, young Troy finds a different crappy pickup truck and stows away in the back. This happens to be the truck of none other than Zap Rowsdower, Canada’s favorite son. Troy is discovered when the truck breaks down and Rowsdower searches the bed for his solution to any problem, alcohol. Upon returning to civilization, Rowsdower is quick to try to rid himself of the gangly urchin. Apparently unable to sell him for booze money, our hirsute friend heartlessly tricks young Troy into waiting in the Rowsdowermobile while the police are summoned. The goofy cultists arrive first, however, and the dynamic duo makes a hasty getaway.

The movie inexorably continues on in this fashion. Rowsdower is alternately annoyed at Troy, drinking, or fixing his truck. When they meet up with a grizzled miner, Mike Pipper, it is offhandedly explained that Rowsdower was once a member of the cult, and may have killed Troy’s father. This information doesn’t really seem to faze anyone, so the movie plods onward. At some point, Troy falls into Satoris’ clutches, and it is up to Zap to save the day. In a confusingly-edited scene, Zap kills Satoris with what looks to be a crowbar, the ancient claymation city of Ziox rises from the ground, and the movie abruptly ends.

What makes The Final Sacrifice so great/awful is Zap Rowsdower’s utter lack of qualifications to be the protagonist, or even one half of a buddy action/comedy team. He’s got zero charisma, no great physical attributes, no back-story until halfway through the movie. Even then, this back story is instantly and completely forgotten about, mostly because it would lead to serious dialogue, which he and his buddy Troy are incapable of producing. And he’s a drunk, but not in the funny way.

The only thing he brings to the table is the truck (which constantly breaks down), and the ability to fix it (sometimes).

Also, his name is Zap fucking Rowsdower. What the hell is that aboot?

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