There is not much I can say
except his eyes have darkened
and in his half-dreams, once familiar
long cold fingers reach out
as if trying to grasp onto something.
Attempting to orient him, I pointed to
a full moon among white clouds, lingering
in a late August sky still blue,
the striation of purple as
the sun disappeared off to the west.
Surrounded by cats, our sons, and me
draping him with a soft blanket
for better or worse
not even the bird feeder full
nor a fire pit warming all of us
could keep his mind from
some imagined invitation
to a party just for him
that he dressed and waited
on the front porch alone,
angry, insistent and distant.
until death do us part
I cannot imagine living without him
and yet, yesterday was such a deep dive
into a world that belongs only to him,
this being the first time I could not
pull him back into the simple blue
sky of a perfect day, outwardly.
forsaking all others
He told the staff today he blamed his family
for his absence at the party, although
by morning he described the night as
one where we nailed him to a cross,
remembering the anger all day until
I told him despite his disease,
he had frightened and upset family
and needed to apologize to those who
love, care, and want him to be safe.
blue skies, nothing but blue skies
After fake tears and a rote apology,
he started in again on the invitation
to the imaginary party, much to my son's surprise
who had thought at 2 am someone was breaking in,
both of us realizing his current reality
has shifted and probably will continue to do so.
Blue days, all of them gone
Nothing but blue days from now on.
excerpts and changes to lyrics by Irving Berlin