Here are some pieces of nanofiction I wrote to use as away messages for AIM. I stole the rules from Andrew Looney, who stole them from Steve Moss, and they are as follows:

Each story must contain:

  • a setting
  • one or more characters
  • conflict
  • a resolution

Also, the body may contain only 55 words or fewer, and the title may contain up to 7.

Some of these bend the rules a little, but I try not to let it come between us. These are too short to node separately, so when I think of more I'll just add them here. Also, they're roughly in order of how good I think they are, so stop reading as soon as you stop liking them.

A Daoist Schizophrenic's Experience in Egocentrism

One time I fell asleep and a butterfly dreamt it was me. We were both pretty confused when we woke up.

And Then It Did

"98...99...100! Done!" exclaimed Stacy, putting her brush into her purse.

Trixie rolled her eyes. "Christ, Stacy, do you have to do that every day? It's not like the universe will explode if you don't."

"Well, technically," began Stacy, "seeing as how I've never missed a day, you don't know that."

And Trixie never slept again.

The Anatomically Correct Thinking Machine

It began as the Romantic Robot, and was later the center of great public confusion and uproar when it was marketed as the Ro-Bot. Rather than change the name back, they just took out the hyphen and slapped an orifice onto all the other robots. Everyone was pretty happy with that.

The Irony Was Not Lost On Them

Being poor but very much in love with Ethel, and knowing how much she loved jewelry, Alister cut off his legs from the knees down and sold them for a beautiful gold ring. Ethel, in a similar situation, cut off her hands and sold them for a stunning pair of leather shoes.

After the Nuclear War

"Jenny, remember when you said that you'd help me repopulate the Earth if we were the only two left alive?"

"Yeah, I lied," replied Jenny, casually plunging a knife into her chest. Adam looked around at the piles of canned food lining the dimly lit shelter, and thought to himself, "well, crap."

Wish I Were a Superhero

Irradiating myself to gain superhuman powers seemed like a great idea at first. It seemed like an even better idea once I started being able to fly and bend iron girders with my bare hands. I changed my mind after discovering that I was riddled with cancer.

Hubris Was Never So Delicious

Having offended the deity of sandwiches with my claim of having created the best sandwich, I'd found myself surrounded by a dour-looking pantheon and a nervous mortal audience as the judges prepared to taste the competing creations....

And, actually, that was the worst part. Afterwards, the only real conclusion we came to was that we should do it more often. Mmm, mmm!

Hitman For Love

"Well, I killed your husband like you asked, now will you marry me?" asked Tony, the sack in his arms falling to the ground with a wet thud. "Of course, darling, nothing can come between our love now," said Alicia, knowing that she had Gunther to fall back on next when this marriage turned sour.

Asteroid the Empath

"What's wrong?" said Asteroid to Liza, who sat crying on a nearby outcrop. "I sense that you're upset."

"Your super power fucking sucks, Asteroid," Liza choked out, in-between sobs.

"Also, you were spurned by a man wearing a coat with decorative buttons. No...cufflinks. They were blue."

Liza stared. "Well, okay, that was pretty good."

The Gun Hidden Behind the Mantelpiece

"Now, Prime Minister," said the nefarious turncoat, reaching towards the mantelpiece behind him, "if you’ll just hand over the deed to the country, you can be on your way, and I can escape to the helipad! Now- what- I could have sworn I put it in there!" And things only went downhill from there.

Grolx, Eater of Planets

I am Grolx, a sentient organism so large that I must consume entire planets for sustenance. Unfortunately, over the course of my lifetime I have consumed many other sentient races, which have evolved to survive in my bowels and give me indigestion out of spite.

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